Commitment is a sensitive issue in the aftermath of an affair. The resolute partner often questions whether or not the adulterous partner is actually serious about their relationship. There may be a series of ‘testing’ that occurs. The testing is about discovering if the partner is all talk or is there a serious commitment to working things out. It is only in relationships where there is a firm commitment that couples can begin to confront and work through issues. If someone is not committed to us, we often do not value what they have to say to us. it is only those people who have shown commitment that we are apt to trust and seriously consider what they are telling us. Since talk is often cheap, there needs to be a commitment shown in order to show that one is not all talk.

Questions often arise when I mention the ‘testing’ that occurs with commitment issues. The number and duration of the testing have a lot to do with the seriousness of the affair and believability of the partner. When the damage done is egregious, expect a battery of tests that occur on an on-going basis. Sometimes the tests are simple tasks that examine, “Can I trust what they say?”. The tests can become more elaborate, even to the point of someone making a pass at the adulterous spouse to see if they ‘take the bait’ or if they are going to remain loyal. I do not advocate such extreme tests.

Depending on how things go with the tests, with each successfully completed trial, some trust begins being restored. As you go through the tests, you may need to remind yourself that this is “only a test”. A spurned spouse can often become vengeful and may use testing as a way to punish the spouse for what occurred. These are also tests that you can not study for or cheat to obtain the desired results.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!