How to cope with a cheating spouse

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A sad reality of human nature is that there are some people who will actively work toward the destruction of your marriage. Many of these persons present themselves as well intentioned, but their advice and actions are focused on the destruction of the marriage. During the aftermath of an affair we are very vulnerable. These ‘exploiters’ take advantage of those vulnerabilities and exploit them. The exploiters can even be family members or the people at church.

One way to discern if you have an exploiter on your hands is whether or not they ‘fan the flames’. By fanning the flames, are they drawing attention to the problems and faults, without any intention of reconciliation or healing? If they are ‘fault-finding’ without seeking a solution to the marital crisis, then they are exploiting matters. Sometimes they come across as if they are “just interested in your welfare”. They “just don’t want to see you hurt”.  This kind of thinking sounds altruistic, although it based on selfishness. Selfish thinking created much of the problem you are faced with. Trying to stop the effects of selfish thinking with more selfish thinking and actions is not a ‘true solution’ to the issues. Such selfish thinking will view the dissolution of the marriage as the way to make everything right again. When such persons are ‘fanning the flames’ there is often a hidden agenda. Some parents may want to secure their access to your children. Some single adults may be wanting you for themselves (or your spouse).

Heat is the element that naturally brings about changes. When the emotional heat is on, it is not time to fan the flames, but rather let the heat bring about the changes and transformations that are needed in your relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

If you have been following this series of posts, I have been addressing what I have observed in working with some infidels. In the last post on the topic, I mentioned the danger of a passive mind. In reading further on the topic in some material by Eric Fromm, he notes that this passivity of mind is often a by-product of boredom. The boredom eventually turns to a form of hatred. When I apply this to the infidel, it paints a picture that the infidel grows bored with the relationship or their daily life. When the boredom turns to hatred, they look for ways to ‘spice things up’, or ‘make them feel alive’. It is during this stage that they often report feeling dead, or numbed out. (On another note, I am curious if many of the ED cases are actually those men who are bored, and resort to using chemicals to change themselves rather than change their thinking or behavior). When a person in in this state of hatred, then have been known to pursue destructive choices focused on lashing out at what they perceive as the cause of the boredom. In the case of the infidel, they make choices that lash out at their marriage and or partner. Although this idea sounds far fetched, it is surprising how many infidels do things with the intention of getting caught. It is as if they are intentionally trying to sabotage their marriages and their lives.  Such behavior will eliminate the boredom, but the idea of replacing the boredom with destructive drama does not seem like a good trade off to me.

The question then arises, “what can I do to prevent this?”. The answer is to engage your spouse. Get them to engage in activities that require effort and exertion, rather than passive acts. Discourage television watching. Take steps to eliminate the current fad of ‘multi-tasking’. (When in multi-tasking mode, we are often just reacting and not actively thinking). Change up your routine. These are things that will help break the power of the passive mind.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Since I have commented on the similarities between trance states and the state of mind of an infidel, there are a few more basics that need attention. Since a passive mindset is associated with trance states, it is important to engage their mind in active thinking. This can be done by asking questions that require problem solving or thinking creatively. You will want to get them out of ‘auto pilot’ mode. That ‘auto pilot’ mode is one of the hallmarks of passive thinking. When a person i sjust going through the motions, they are often not engaging their mind. To break the influence of ‘the affair trance’, you will need to get them out of ‘auto pilot’. It is not by coincidence that many of the old romantic songs talk about ‘spells’ or having someone under their power. These songs are often talking about the trance like state that the infidel is in. When they are in the state, the passive mindset allows them to just follow suggestions given to them by the ‘other person’. The power of the trance is strengthened by the affair itself. When the couple engaging in the affair begin sexual activity, the power of the trance increases. Those persons who engage in S&M know about the power behind the sexual acts. The more extreme the sexual act, the more power it has over the passive infidel.  This power can be broken, although it requires some significant effort to do so.

This will give you some understanding, without bogging you down in details as to what you are up against.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

In some of the research done on trance states, some interesting findings occur. It seems that while in the trance state, the person is able to engage in activities like answer the phone, take messages and other mundane tasks, yet while in that state does not recall having done those things or even having done them. The person in the trance remains so focused on the object of their mind they are oblivious to other actions.

When I have talked with couples, this same kind of phenomena often occurs. The infidel does the mundane tasks, but always seems ‘a bit out of it’. This is initially dismissed. The infidel may be doing the daily activities of life, but their mind is elsewhere. While in this state, they are also willing to engage in sexual acts they would not normally do. It is as if they are now in a type of bondage to the person they are in the affair with. Some of the writing concerning people in bondage describe this mindset of subservience as part of what occurs. I suspect that this mindset is not so much about enjoying the bondage, but is more about being in a trance-like state regarding the affair.

If your partner is in a trance, do not dismiss it. Get them to pull out of it. Talk to them about things that require engaging the mind. Do not continue in the mindless existence of everyday routine.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

This is the first in a series of posts exploring the thinking and behavior of the infidel (the wandering spouse).  Since there are many types of infidel behavior, this will not explain all types. There are some that are driven by sexual issues such as addiction, and there are some that have unresolved sexual abuse issues.  Those two types will need to be dealt with in a different manner on another day.

What I am dealing with today is the “trance” like state of being that the infidel gets in during the affair. After working with couples for a period of time, I have seen strong similarities between the infidel state of mind and trance states. The comments used to describe the infidel , “He’s another person”, “She’s somewhere else”,   often convey that that the spouse is not engaging. Their mind and heart seem distant and focused elsewhere. When I talk with the infidels, they describe being obsessed with the affair. They use terms that talk about how it takes over their lives and their thinking. They operate as if on automatic pilot, often making wreckless and impulsive choices. When I discussed what I was suspecting with a colleague, they  commented that “All relationships are about hypnosis”. At first the statement took me aback, but as I explored it, there were strong similarities between hypnotic states and the state the infidel is in. It is as if they are hypnotized into the relationship, loosing conscious decision making abilities.

The connection between the affair mindset and hypnosis led me to read papers by Milton Erickson on the topic. In the research, the same type of patterns exist for the person in a trance and the affair mindset. What is not clear to me is how such a trance occurs? What type of people are susceptible to the trance? What does it take to come out of the trance?  I will be exploring these issues in future posts as well.

So my conclusion is that with some people, they are in a trance-state during the time of an affair.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

The mindset of someone wanting an affair or in the middle of an affair is very trance-like. While in that state of mind, they are not processing information correctly, they are not thinking straight. It reminds me of the mindset when an addict is “jones-ing” or “seeking the drug”. They affair seeker is looking for reasons and excuses to justify their actions. While in this mindset anything will serve as a reason for an affair. When your spouse is in this mindset, it is important to not give them even tacit approval of an affair. Although you may be frustrated and want to say “Just go see who will have you!”, those kind of comments will end up being seen as giving ‘permission’ to the affair seeking spouse. This is not the time for sarcastic comments or jokes about affairs. They will be taken out of context. You will have to filter what you say so that it expresses your thoughts and can not be misconstrued. In other words you have to consider not only your expression, but how your spouse might interpret your comment as well.

I am considering doing a series of posts on the ‘mindset of an infidel’ in the coming weeks. I believe these will help the resolute spouse understand and make it through the survival stage.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah