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Infidelity hurts. The pain infects a wide circle of people. On top of the original wound, there is the pain of being ignored, the pain of having to wait, the struggle of having to cope with the pain. It becomes layer on top of layer of painful and hurtful feelings. When going through such pain it is often difficult to tell the difference between when you inform you spouse about the depth of your hurt and you start inflicting pain on your spouse. The line between the two blurs and any discussion about the affair becomes an opportunity to hurt your spouse again. It is when this line is crossed that the adulterous spouse takes action to block or numb the pain. After you communicate your point and the depth of your pain, it is important to stop. Hurting your spouse more and more is not going to make them want to love you again. When you choose not to forgive, but instead punish them over and over again, the actions loose their effectiveness. Even in terms of the psychology, once the pain reaches a certain level, the defense mechanisms and natural numbing out processes kick in and block out any further pain. When the pain becomes sadistic, it has gone too far. What your spouse did was wrong, and it will be important for you not to do them wrong just to make them suffer.  You may want to ask yourself , “Am I communicating or transferring my hurt?”. Such a question will help you keep your focus.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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