How to cope with a cheating spouse

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When we go through struggles, as the struggle intensifies, the question of ‘giving up’ or quitting is either suggested to us or crosses our mind. Even when it is just a fantasy, there are those thoughts of “I’ll just walk away”. There are several problems with quitting. 1) Quitting does not solve anything. All it accomplishes it take the struggles and heartache to a different playing field. When there are children, the pains only intensify. Even when there are not children, you are someone else’s child and your parents have to deal with seeing you in pain. 2) Quitting one situation makes it easier to quit the next difficult situation. Quitting has a way of perpetuating itself. The more you quit, the easier it is to quit. This is one of the weaknesses of second marriages. Each of the spouses keep in the back of their heads that they can always walk away from the situation. Just in maintaining those thoughts, there is a weakening of the marriage. Granted, if your physical safety is in danger, then leaving is a recommended option. Leaving a relationship for physical danger is a far cry from leaving one due to emotional tension and conflict. Leaving due to a safety concern carries with it a different mindset than those who leave due to inconvenience or to pursue a fantasy life.

Before calling it quits, consider what it will solve and whether it will actually improve things. If quitting is a pattern for you, rethink what you are considering.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, cheating, infidelity, Understanding Affairs

Once an affair ends and things settle down to routines an assumption is made that it is over. Since affairs are so secretive and intense, things that remind you of the affair can trigger reactions in both the infidel and the resolute spouse. The reminders of the affair can set off some very intense emotions. This is one of the difficulties associated with trying to keep the whole affair secret. The reminders will serve as testimonies of what happened.

In dealing with these reminders, it will be important to accept the truth about what occurred. Face the reminder and change the meaning of it. You cannot change the past, but you can change the meanings associated with it.  When those reminders pop up, change the meanings associated with them.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Understanding Affairs

One of the roadblocks to improving the marriage after an affair is grievances. Those who have suffered or been the victims of some wrong often hold onto the incident in such a way it becomes an obstacle. When the grievance is used as a ‘justification’ for not forgiving or for not working things out, it becomes and obstacle. Yes the pain is real. Yes it is not fair. Very little about what happened was fair. By holding onto the past hurts, you are not allowing things to be worked out now. The past hurts are preventing the relationship from being healed.

If you want the relationship to experience healing you will have to let go of the grievance. Yes, you can talk about the pain. What needs to stop is using the pain to hurt others and keep them from getting close to you. You will need to dismantle or take apart the painful episodes rather than use them for ammunition. Fighting off hurt with more hurt makes people want to avoid you rather than draw closer to you. Grievances are what feed revenge and addictions. It is not worth holding onto such grievances being that you want reconciliation.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, affair, cheating, grievences, infidelity, Understanding Affairs, unforgiveness

After a previous post on modern trends, I realized that I had not addressed the topic of swinging at any length. The swingers lifestyle is like entering another world. swinging can occur on many levels. From neighbors or ‘friends’ making an agreement to the elaborate swingers clubs. With the swingers clubs, one typically has to be ‘screened’ first. This occurs through a website portal or through connections. After being screened, the couples are told which club to go to and when to be there. Typically, it is on a Friday evening. The couple then looks forward to their night out, where they play dress up. Once at the club, there is usually a minimum number of required drink purchases. Once the requirement is met, people begin to mingle and there is often a party that starts after the dancing, meeting and talking at the club. The party is typically at an exotic locale, which adds a surreal aspect to everything. The locale may be a private residence or yacht. Some of the parties last over the weekend, to where one night turns into a full-blown outing.

The cycle continues either on a weekly, bi-weekly or monthly basis. In the cases where the couple has alternating visitation weekends, they may arrange for the kids to be out of town while the couple ‘plays’ with their friends.

The lavish settings, alcohol and drugs make it an unreal experience. The guilt is often avoided by getting deeper and deeper into the lifestyle. Once a person is in the lifestyle, you begin finding out more and more about local socialites and the secrets add excitement, but also keep one locked into a way of life that continues drawing them further and further into it. Since some of those who are in the lifestyle are in the local community, one is often reminded of the what they have done.

This lifestyle, like any addiction process can be ended. The whole lifestyle is like an extended affair on steroids. If you want to leave the lifestyle, there is hope. Pulling out of such a lifestyle requires commitment from both the husband and wife to make their marriage work. It will also require honesty concerning what has happened and how it changed each of them. They will have to learn to develop monogamous intimacy. Since the ‘herd’ mindset is hard to break, leaving the swinging lifestyle is challenging, but doable.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating, infidelity, swinging and affairs, swinging lifestyle, Understanding Affairs

When people deny our reality and experiences it creates an unsettling feeling. We clearly know what we saw and what happened. In the context of an affair, there are times when a spouse denies what we saw and what happened. When this occurs, it leaves the person feeling bewildered. In therapy circles, this is often known as “crazy making”.  The name certainly fits how it leaves one feeling. It is as if your whole sense of reality is turned around and twisted into something unrecognizable. Through our spouses denial and twisting, we begin to doubt ourselves. The situation becomes even more intense if similar behaviors occurred in your family of origin. In that case, it echoes back to unsettling events in your childhood as well. It leaves you questioning a whole plethora of experiences. After all, if you can not trust your own mind and heart, what can you trust?

How does one deal with such situations? To start with, tell yourself the truth. It is not beyond an infidel to lie, cheat, deceive and avoid dealing with reality about themselves, their affair and your marriage. If they say they never loved you, check your reality. If there are many gifts, love letters and photos, and tokens of their love, they did love you. Such statements can be devastating because they change the reality and meaning of the whole relationship. It rocks the relationship to its foundation, and it is a lie. Infidels often surround themselves with lies in creating their own ‘nirvana’ out of the new affair relationship. In constructing this nirvana, they often want to rewrite their past history to change the importance of their relationship to you. It is important to realize that this is what is occurring. In order for them to stay in the affair and avoid cognitive dissonance, they have to rewrite their past.

(Cognitive dissonance occurs when who we are and who we think we are do not line up. The tension produced mentally and emotionally is often referred to as cognitive dissonance. This often occurs in affairs, where those involved are caught up in the fantasy and create a fantasy persona rather than deal with the reality of their lives).

It will be important to not fall for their twisting of reality.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affair, cheating, cognitive dissonance, crazy making, infidelity, Infidelity and lies, Understanding Affairs