How to cope with a cheating spouse

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In going through the blogs and sites concerning infidelity, I always obtain an education. Today, I was struck by a question posed by Lanie Peterson at her site. Her question was, “Does Jesus Love Homewreckers?” My answer to that is a resounding yes. The Bible has the examples of King David, King Saul, and Rahab. Each of these persons were responsible for breaking up marriages in one way or another. Despite the actions taken by each of them, the adultery and cheating were not the thing that did them in. Rahab totally changed her ways. David ended up involved in a murder plot after his adultery, and Saul ended up alienating his family and David’s with his home wrecking by forcing his daughter , the wife of David to wed another man.

Each of their lives was filled with painful choices, but the homewrecking was not the end of any of their lives.

My experience is that sometimes the homewrecker was lied to about the marital status. That is not always true, but I have seen some cases. By the time they wake up to what is going on, they are in too deep. The pain of ending any relationship is painful. One of the main problems with affairs is that there is no graceful way to end them. I see the real challenge for the home wrecker being that once they know what is actually going on, how do they handle it? How they handle it often determines whether they will find themselves plagued with guilt and shame or not.

A travesty that often goes hand-in-hand with affairs is that people get objectified. They are treated as objects, whether objects for sexual gratification or for punishment purposes. Either type of objectification is wrong. When we objectify people, we loose some of our own humanity in the process.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, affair, infidelity, King David, King Saul, Lanie Petersen, objectification, Rahab, Understanding Affairs

When the upheaval erupts after an affair is disclosed, there is often emotional distance between the spouses. During this time, pain becomes a powerful motivator, forcing the spouses to honestly consider what is going on and what they need to do about it. This is also a dangerous time, in that those people who offer to help or who are sought out for help many times do more to impede progress than help it. How does this happen? It happens when the helpers intervene and help those hurting out of pain before they have dealt with what needs to be dealt with . Pain is often a sensation we experience to protect us from some greater danger. Like the other skin sensations, it warns us of an impending danger, whether that is an external danger or internal one. Likewise emotional pain also warns us of things.

The hurt spouses often seek people out to talk with. The spouses need to be honest with themselves during this time. In seeking someone to talk to, are you wanting them to listen, or to validate what your side of the story is. There is a big difference between validation and hearing someone out. This kind of situations often lead to larger problems if they are not handled well.

To sum up what I am saying, pain is a warning sign. Learn to listen to it and identify what it is telling you. When in pain, be careful when talking about your marital problems with others. Be honest with them concerning whether you want someone to listen to you or validate you. Learning how to handle pain and work through it is going to be key in overcoming the affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, affairs, cheating, dealing with pain, infidelilty, Understanding Affairs