How to cope with a cheating spouse

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In coping with the pain of an affair, it is common for some people to go about gaining all the details and information about what happened. Before going on a hunt for the sordid details, you need to be honest with yourself. What is your reason for wanting the details? What will having the details fix? If your actions do not fix or improve things, then it is likely doing just the opposite. It sets up a strange twist where you find yourself angry at your spouse for violating trust, when you have also just violated trust by seeking out all the sordid details. Once you have the details, it often becomes a nightmare that will not go away, but rather comes back day after day in living Technicolor due to the details you have embellished it with.

What is often going down is the substituting of information for intimacy. if it is intimacy that you actually crave, seek that. Substituting information for intimacy will still leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled, but now with a nightmare to boot. This substitution is like settling for pudding when you really want strawberry short cake. The pudding is sweet, it tastes good, but it will not satisfy the longing for strawberry short cake. If you crave strawberry short cake, that is what you need to be looking for.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, pain of cheating, Understanding Affairs

When faced with the pain of an affair, it often seems that one is faced with a bottomless pit of pain. The hurt is deep and seems to go on in a never ending manner. The more one finds out about what happened, the more hurts there are. It seems like a nightmare that never ends. On top of that it is a lonely pain. It is a burden that you have to carry by yourself.

Although the pain seems endless, like other hurts, it will fade. The pit is not bottomless. When in pain, time seems to slow down and the hurt goes on forever. This bottomless, endless aspect is an illusion. It will fade, but in order to get out of that trap, one needs to have focus and stay active. Focus and activity are two of the tools that will the nightmare aspects the of pain away. Yes there will still be some pain, but the “bottomless pit experience’ will begin to fade.

This and other ways of reducing the pain and dealing with the situation are in my program on dealing with affairs. If you have had the heartbreak of an affair, it will help you move past the pain.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, pain, Understanding Affairs

During the aftermath of an affair, it often seems as if ‘fear’ and the ‘unknown’ become your constant companions. Besides the fear that you have lost your spouse, there is a sense of feeling lost or bewildered. Although there are many people who will tell you to “do this” or “do that”, they are like scarecrows pointing directions, but are not there to go through those things with you.

Part of what makes this happen is that the knowledge of an affair triggers an emotional fight or flight type of reaction. It turns the focus of your life onto your own pain and inadequacies. One way to escape the fear is to acknowledge your inadequacies rather than run from them. Fear increases the more we run away from something. So quit running away and be honest with yourself about yourself. Once you reduce the fear, then you will more clearly see what action steps are needed to deal with your situation. When fear clouds the thinking, people often take steps that they assume will reduce the fear first, before they work on surviving the affair. It is important to stop running, be honest, accept who you are and then deal with surviving the affair. Just like fear may have kept you from dating or going out with someone who you really wanted to go out with, it will keep you from taking the actions that need to be taken.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, affairs, cheating, fear in relationships, infidelity, Understanding Affairs

A major challenge in the aftermath of an affair is keeping ones head clear and heart calm. When news of the affair is realized, there is often a sense of helplessness. Some have compared the initial reaction to the experience of drowning. It contains elements of feeling overwhelmed and sinking. It is during this time, that you will need your wits about you.

In your mind turn the situation into a problem that needs solving. Think in terms of what is the problem? Where is the pain coming from? What are my options? What are the pluses and minuses of each of those options? Making this kind of shift in thinking will help you see things that you did not see before.

Clear thinking in the chaos will make the difference in how well you survive the situation.  My program on surviving an affair contains even more of these kind of action items to help a person through the trauma of an affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, Understanding Affairs

Affairs, unlike other acts, stir strong reactions in people. Those around you will make judgments about what occurred and whether or not it was deserved. Without knowing the facts, decisions will be made within their minds. Since they make these choices based on their experiences and values, those around you will often not be objective in responding to you and your needs.

Affairs bring out projection and fantasies more than muggings or assault crimes ever could. People can listen to you and provide support for those crimes, yet affairs have a way of blurring the lines. What were once clear cut rules and boundaries are blurred. Many times those around us can’t see objectively because they would have to be honest with themselves about their actions and past history. Rather than face the pain associated with honesty, it is easier to either avoid it or blame someone else for the affair.

There are also times that you may be in so much pain, that you can not receive support even if it were available to you. The pain of affairs goes deep. The depth of such pain makes it difficult for you or those around you to discuss and comfort you. The pain, although intense will not last forever. It will fade through time if you let it.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, cheating, infidelity, support after an affair, Understanding Affairs

In a Kentucky court case, a husband (Stephen Malmer) sued to obtain the e-mails of his wife accused of adultery, who was a state employee. The court ruled that the State of Kentucky had to release the e-mails between her and her reported paramour. This is a new precedent on privacy. The resolute spouse claimed the state was in the wrong by keeping th e-mails from him. This ruling sets the stage for many spouses to discover potential infidelities at work that had previously been kept away from them.  The workplace affair is no longer a matter of what they do not know won’t hurt them.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, affairs, affairs at work, cheating, Frankfort Kentucky, infidelity, Stephen Malmer, Understanding Affairs

Infidelity is a hurt that never seems to go away. The pain will subside for a few days and then a song, or driving past a particular location and “Wham!” the pain returns. Like many sin-based behaviors, there are often patterns associated with Infidelity and its pain. You may find that when you return to the times of year that the infidelity occurred or the place where it occurred, the pain is revived. Although many wrongs can be fixed, this one is like a stain that never goes away. It is like a tell-tale stain that even though faded reminds its victims that it happened.

Knowing that the pain of infidelity often follows patterns, when you discover the pattern, take steps to change that pattern. Go somewhere different. Change your routine. Create new meanings for the time of year that the infidelity occurred or when you remember it. These changes will not fully take the pain away, but it will allow you to feel more in control in dealing with it.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, affairs, cheating, infidelity, relationships, Understanding Affairs