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In AA, there is a saying that “If you keep doing what you have always been doing, you will keep getting what you have always got”. This statement has applications regarding affairs. When you wait too long before dealing with an affair after it has been discovered, you may find yourself repeating the mistakes that lead up to it in the first place.  To keep this ‘instant replay’ from happening you need an understanding of what happened.

Understanding your spouse and yourself helps in understanding how the affair happened. When you understand the affair as well as your spouse, then you are able to sort through this issue and you can move on. Understanding the affair is more than knowing the facts of what happened and developing a time line of critical events leading up to it.

Understanding involves knowing what needs the affair met. Look at the affair as if it were the solution to a problem. What problem did it address? What needs did it meet for your spouse? you? and the paramour? When the affair is understood in terms of the needs, then alternate ways of meeting those needs can be looked at. Rather than repeating the same problems in a different package, recognize that there are many perspectives on the affair besides your own. Many of us have trouble looking at situations from another persons perspective. Being able to look at the affair from varied perspectives is critical in surviving it. Many times, the affair was a bad choice in terms of meeting legitimate needs. There is nothing wrong with the needs, although the way they chose to meet those needs is questionable.The affair will need to examined in terms of what meanings are attached to it.

You cannot change what happened. You can change the meanings associated with the affair.In order to change the meaning, you first have to develop the ability to see the situation from the various perspectives. The better you are at seeing the situation from the various perspectives, the sooner you will be able to heal. Keep in mind that seeing the affair from your spouse’s perspective does not mean you are wrong and they are right or vice versa, it only means that you understand it. It does not mean you approve or agree with it. Agreement and approval are two separate items.

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