How to cope with a cheating spouse

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A commonly asked question that challenges many with its answer is “Can a person be driven to an affair?” In emotionally unhealthy marriages, spouses often find themselves feeling desperate in finding ways to meet their needs. The needs are legitimate. There is nothing wrong with the needs. What becomes problematic is when they see the affair as a way to meet those needs. When spouses can not talk through their issues or do not have the freedom to bring up their issues with their partner, the likelihood of an affair is greater.

This means you need to be approachable. You will need to listen to your spouse. In listening to them, you will need to hear them out, rather than react.  By hearing them out, you are demonstrating your willingness to be open. Spouses often know that “talk is cheap”, and that their partners often promises, but does not deliver. In an effort to be a spouse that delivers on their word, listen to your partner’s concerns. Let them talk WITHOUT correcting them or talking down to them, at least until they have finished telling your their concerns. I have seen many spouses focused more on correcting their partners than listening to them and the results are disasterous.

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In the aftermath of an affair, behaviors are often at the forefront of the arguments/discussions. The reason behaviors are at the front is their visibility. They make easy targets since they are observable. Behaviors can be either denied or admitted to. What is often not discussed is attitudes. It is as if the attitudes are hidden behind the behaviors. Attitudes color the daily interactions of spouses, yet are rarely the focus of attention after an affair. Although we know what it is like to be on the receiving end of an attitude, bringing those attitudes to the attention of one’s spouse is often a challenging matter.

It is important to deal with the attitudes AND the behaviors, rather than just what is easily observable. With attitudes, each spouse will need to assume responsibility for what they have felt, thought and done. It is only when they assume that responsibility that the “look what you made me do” or “you made me feel this way” is going to stop.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Adultery is one of those heinous acts that people often search for who is to blame. The focus on blaming often keeps each of the spouses from taking an honest look at what each can do to improve the marriage. The blaming often takes the form of good person/bad person. A distinct difference is noted between the two spouses. This good person/bad person often takes center stage rather than what each did that contributed to the situation developing or what needs to be done to improve the marriage.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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A question that is often very difficult to handle is “Is it my fault that my spouse had an affair?” Such questions often keep the emotional tension at a high point. There are feelings of guilt, shame, anger and often rage associated with this question. Many times there are mixed answers to the question. There are the the answers you tell yourself, and then there are the gut-level answers that often gnaw at you. Just by asking the question, you are looking for someone or something to blame for what happened. There is a massive search for the donkey to pin the tail on. Since most people have difficulty accepting blame and responsibility, this is a question that seeks to appease the conscience and attach or remove blame. It is a question that few want to look at honestly, yet all need to if they want to repair their relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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One of my sons is a Quintin Tarantino fan, and as such he uses quotes from his movies. One of those quotes concerns revenge. In one movie of the Kill Bill series, revenge is likened to a forest that one often gets lost in. The more I thought about it, I realized there is some truth to it from what I have seen with couples. It is common for one spouse to seek revenge for the affair. Filing for divorce is often a form of revenge. In the case of filing for divorce, the spouse often gets lost in the forest. Divorce lawyers end up costing more than expected.  What should have been a few hundred dollars has turned into several thousand, and you are no closer to final settlement. The deisre to get out or the relationship often turns into a drive to devestate them while devestaring yourself in the process. When this mutual devestation of emotional and financial resources takes place, they have definitely gotten lost in the forest. They forgot what they wanted in the first place. Before you get lost in the forest of revenge, consider what it is that you really want in the aftermath of an affair.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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