How to cope with a cheating spouse

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Affairs and cheating represent one of the areas of human behavior that is surrounded by more distortions than political campaigns. When affairs happen, there is often a distortion of the events, and the sequence of them. The distortion occurs with the infidel and the resolute spouse. These distortions make it hard to understand what actually happened and also what can be done about the event. The distortions make it difficult to solve the problems in the relationship. It does this by creating an emotional mirage that misleads the parties involved as to what is the real issue that needs attention.

When spouses share what they think happened with others, the possibility of disotrtion increases exponentially.

When you are serious about improving your relationship, it is imperative to address the distortions. The distortions also reveal a great deal about the needs and thinking of the person who is distorting. Some of the distortions are part of the intial reactions to what happened, yet not all of it. Recognize that distortion exists, and that it may take weeks if not months before you have an accuate accounting of what happened.

Best Regard,

Jeff Murrah

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Although it is an unpleasant prospect, many spouses drive their partners off. Many times it is easier to condemn the infidel for their unfaithfulness rather than question one’s own loyalties prior to the affair. A common pattern that I have seen is when the spouse places children, job or hobbies ahead of their spouse. Since relationships need attention and nurturing, spouses often seek where their needs can be met. I often use the metaphor of a favorite gas station. When that station is out of gas, what do you do? Most people go to the next station. Likewise, when spouses are neglected and ignored, they often find ways to meet their needs in another relationship. It is important to remember that no one ever leaves a good lover (except sex addicts). If your spouse is leaving you, it may help to consider whether or not you are the great lover you thought you were.  (Note: When I talk about being a good lover, I am not referring to pharmaceutical performance enhancers. I am referring to attention, adoration, time and kind words).

Before you start making accusations about ‘hussies’ and ‘skirt chasers’, consider the part you have played in what has occurred.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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One of the many surprises I encounter when couples come for counseling is how little spouses know about each other. When they keep financial and health information from each other it lets me know that there are problems. When information is kept from the spouse, it sets the stage for secrets to develop. When secrets develop, they often lead to hidden sides of their lives that are kept hush hush.

Knowing the financial and health information is not an immediate guarantee of removing the cheating threat, although it helps. The smaller the hidden area, the smaller the likelihood of secrets developing.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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One of the painful realities concerning cheating and infidelity is when the resolute spouse recognizes that they missed many early warning signs. Many times they knew something was not right “in their gut” but they ignored it. They sensed that things were not what they should be and dismissed it. The early warning signs are not to be dismissed. When your spouse distances themselves from you, or there is a sudden change in their talkativeness, or the usual patterns of behavior are changed it is not the time to dismiss it. When your gut tells you something, then is the time to take action and ask, rather than ignore it to your own detriment. Learn to trust your gut rather than ignore it.

Many people of the world operate on the principle that it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Sadly, they apply this to affairs as well. Since that is a prominent pattern, it is better to ask and be wrong than to ignore and be right.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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