How to cope with a cheating spouse

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Years ago, the prophet Moses stated “Be sure your sins will find you out”. I was reminded of this over the Thanksgiving holidays.  During this time, I reviewed photo albums. I was surprised at how revealing that photos were. Family conflicts and crises can not be hidden. Photos capture our non-verbal gestures which often give away underlying issues. With an uncanny accuracy, marriages that were in danger could clearly be identified by the non-verbal gestures captures on film.

Although people often attempt to dismiss the non-verbal gestures, tics and slips, they often reveal a reality of unment needs and desires. It is as if they reveal a hidden language. In some of the family get-togethers over the holiday, I saw many warning signs of problems. I often wonder, “Can’t they see this?” “It is so obvious!”. The reality is many people do not see the signals or either do not want to see them. This is especially true with infidelity or cheating. The signals are there, yet couples (and family members) often ignore, dismiss or joke about the signals rather than deal with them. Although the details of events may be a well-kept secret, the prescence of the affair is not.

Cues that involve eye contact, hand gestures, jokes, behavior sequences, and distance are some of the signals that provide clues as to what is going on in their psychic world. The cheater may act like everything is normal, yet the body reveals the truth of their existence.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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One of the issues that complicates recovery from an affair, is when there are other issues with recovery. When a person is struggling with addiction to alcohol or drugs, the pain of an affair is even more difficult to deal with. In such populations, the agenda is often one of avoiding pain, rather than facing it.

The avoidance of pain for such populations becomes a way of life. With any crisis, including the affair, the standard method of coping is to drug/drink. Recovery from addiction is hard enough without having to deal with an affair. Resorting to the bottle or pills may numb the pain, but it does nothing in terms of helping one get through the pain or what caused the pain in the first place.

Learn to work through the pain. Although it may seem overwhelming, it will need to be faced and overcome. When a position or attitude of hopelessness sets in, there is a loss of motivation that occurs. It is important to keep up hope and work through the pain rather than giving in to it. Avoiding issues and pain is what led to the affair in the first place. Using the same technique as a way to cope with the affair is an excercise in futility.

Keep a clear head, you will need it for the days ahead.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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One of the dangers of the internet, and especially social network sites is that many people use them to stalk others. This feature brings an element of danger to any affair, whether it is virtual or otherwise. The ability to stalk means that the spurned lover may hunt down your partner or even the resolute spouse during and after the affair. This feature also poses a danger for the lover. The lover can also be stalked by an anger or obsessed spouse.

Getting involved in an affair is often akin to Russian Roulette in that the unsuspecting spouse may not have considered the psychological make up of the person they selected to have an affair with (or who had an affair with them). When you can get into another person’s pants, the likelihood is that there are some self-control issues at work. Those same poor self-control that made it easy to score, makes that person dangerous. The easy score may also have limited self-control when it comes to revenge or respecting boundaries.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Although jokes are made that it does not hurt to look, when it comes to affairs, looking can be dangerous. Consider for example, that in most major purchases, the first action is the look. Whether it is a car, home, or other major purchase, it all begins with a look.  If the look was limited to observation alone, it would be one thing. What often occurs is that a ‘look’ is accompanied by fantasies about “what if?”. These fantasies about “what if?” often occurs in conjunction with a growing dissatisfaction with one’s current marriage. So while the looking is going on with the eyes, in the mind, fantasies are making the other person look better and one’s spouse look worse.  Although some people can limit their actions to ‘observation alone’, many people can not. When they look, they look again, and begin wanting. It is the fantasies and wanting associated with the looking that leads to trouble.

Many things begin with ‘a look’. If you are a person inclined to be ‘looking’, you may want to consider where it will lead. Although in your fantasies, it will lead to bliss, the reality is that it will lead to hurt and pain. Consider the hurt and pain as part of the price tag of the object you are admiring. When you look at what it will cost you, then you can make better choices.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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A common phrase heard in dealing with cheating and affairs is “You make me sick!”.  Sensations associated with nausea and gastric disturbances are commonly associated with affairs. One of the reasons is that such sensations are often associated with the keeping, betrayal and revealing of secrets. Since cheating and secrets often go with each other, the nausea is also part of the package.

These sensations also occur when the body has taken something in which it now wants to eject or remove from the body. With the affair, the spouse often wants to remove or eject what they had once believed about themselves or their partner.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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One of the hallmarks of cheating behavior is deception. People may refer to this deception as lies or delusions, although those are nothing more than close cousins of deception. The whole cheating relationship begins with deception. The deceptions may be from one party or both. It may also be either self-deception or acting to deceive the other person involved.

Putting it plainly, it begins with disguises. The parties may disguise their motives, their marital status, or their identities. Once in their disguise, the parties engage in the fantasy at the root of the affair. As long as the fantasy lives, the affair can be rekindled. It is important in dealing with affairs, that those involved be honest about who they are, what their marital status is, and their intentions. In the attempts to rationalize what happened, people often make the affair sound good or well intentioned. Since the emotions confuse the facts, the whole reality of the situatation becomes muddled. Honesty is the only way out of it. Once there is honesty, then interventions can be done to sever the bonds that were created under false pretenses.

Even in legal circles, agreements made under false pretenses are no valid. In affairs, the relationship begins with false pretenses (deception). The relationship begins with a lie. Although people start the relationship, there is no intention to commit to it. Decisions are then made based those pretenses. The deceptions add to the confusion of the situation.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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