How to cope with a cheating spouse

Years ago, I came across the saying “Adultery happens in the head before it happens in the bed”. Over the years of working with couples, I have seen the validity of that statement. In the cases I have worked with, the decision is made to have an affair before it happens physically. The decision to have an affair can be either a conscious choice to do so, or a rejection of one’s partner (e.g. “I’m leaving them”), which often sets the stage for an affair.

There will be signals and signs before an affair occurs. If the person seeking an affair does not actively seek it out, they at least make it easy to happen and often put themselves in potentially compromising situations. Once in the compromising situation, the excuse, “it just happened” is often invoked.

Rather than choose to make yourself vulnerable to an affair, choose instead to love your spouse and remain committed to them.  If you are the resolute spouse, changes in attitude often precede changes in behavior. Once the bahaviors start, they have made a choice to do so. When you see a change in attitude, it is time to act, while they are still deliberating. It is more difficult to change things once the decision to have an affair (or leave the spouse) is decided upon.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, the choices about affairs, the importance of attitude with affairs, Understanding Affairs

In a July 2008 article that appeared in the Daily Mail, a counselor, Sarah Strudwick  posed the question, “Is there an adultery gene?” In the article, she reviews her own family history and its impact on her life.

Adultery does follow familial patterns. In some families the practice of adultery may be found across several generations. Sarah saw this phenomena and posed the question. In considering the question, I will look at the phenomena from two different perspectives.

First, as a family therapist, it is known that families often repeat patterns. The patterns of interaction they grew up with are often repeated. So those growing up in families with such behavior as adultery will be more susceptible to it occurring in their own lives. No, they are not condemened to be the adulterer themselves or even marry one. They can choose to change the pattern, which requires effort on their part. If they go through life on automatic pilot or just ‘going with the flow’ there is a likelihood that the pattern will be repeated.

Family patterns such as those related to affairs are often repeated, either directly or indirectly.  In the case of direct repition, the next generation copies the previous one. In the case of indirect, the next generation changes external behaviors and may not have an affair, yet may end up marrying someone who is prone toward affairs. This way, they do not copy the external behavior. In such cases, they have an attitude similar to the preceding generations adulterers. With a similarity in attitude, they fall into the same interactional pattern without being just like their parent.

In viewing the pattern from the perspective of a clinician, the patterns of stimulation in the brain with affairs is similar to those of substance abusers. After the brain learns the excitement and stimulation of affairs, it craves it. The brain wants to ‘take it to the next level’ or ‘level up’ the amount of stimulation it needs to feel ‘normal’. The adulterer needs the adrenalin rush that often accompanies affairs. From this perspective, the affairs are more about seeking stimulation rather than about love or affection. The problem that develops is that once the brain has been at that higher level of stimulation associated with affairs, it does not want to gear itself back down to the lower level. Life without an affair is seen as boring. The adulterer wants and craves excitement in order to feel alive.

When one generation has an ‘addicted brain’, it increases the likelihood that the next generation will also have an addicted brain. It is known that chemical dependency and alcoholism can pass through generations. In a similar manner, the likelihood of affairs can as well.

So in response to Sarah Strudwick’s question, adultery and its effects do pass through generations. What is not clear is “how” it is transmitted. Is it through learned family dynamics or through chemical processes in the brain. Either way, the effects of infidelity do not stop when the affair is over. The impact of an affair often lasts generations beyond its occurance.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery gene, brain chemistry of adultery, brain patterns of cheating, family patterns of adultery, Sarah Strudwick, Understanding Affairs

Although many religions address the topic of ‘infidelity’, when it comes to marital infidelity, the game changes. Although many religions frown on infidelity, some with the prospect of banishment or death as a consequence for being an ‘infidel’ or turning one’s back on one’s faith, marital infidelity is viewed differently.

When in comes to marriage, although the same word-”infidelity” is used to identify the acts of disloyalty and betrayal. Many men and women change the meaning of the word in both their thinking and behavior. This double-standard is often confusing.  The double standard is one of those items that makes understanding infidelity a daunting task.

There are various strategies used to excuse the infidelity. Some say, they do not have to remain loyal to a spouse who is not ‘of the same faith’, or changing the definition of what constitutes infidelity. They may also claim that if there is no copulation or chance of pregnancy, then there was no infidelity. Some apply the “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach which includes “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” approach to infidelity.

A common mistake is to assume that when one marries a person who is strong in their faith, there will be a reduced likelihood of infidelity. By being strong in their faith, the definition of faith runs the gamut from regular attendance at religious worship to radical adherence to the articles of faith. Those who seriously adhere to their faith are less likely to have affairs than the general public, yet it is not 100% safe. Keep in mind that partners who advocate fidelity to their faith, that same advocacy does not always apply to marital relationships. Even among the pastor, preachers, priests and religious leaders, infidelity is common.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

religion and adultery, religion and cheating, religion and infidelity, religious infidelity and marital infidelity, Understanding Affairs

With the holidays upon us, there is a greater tendency for people to drink. With the increase in the amount of alcohol used comes the danger of affairs, Whether intentional or unintentional, the increased consumption of alcohol also increases the possibility of affairs. It may not necessarily be your spouse that did the heavy alcohol consumption, it could be someone else who did the drinking and makes advances that would not have otherwise been taken.

If you or your spouse will be in places with heavy drinking, there is an elevated risk of affairs occurring. Exercising caution and common sense will help reduce the dangers.

These guidelines will help reduce the likelihood of an affair.

1. Do not drink too much

2. Avoid associating with those that are drinking too much

3. Do not discuss your love life or personal relationships over drinks

4. Do not listen to others discuss their love life or personal relationships over drinks

5. Be aware of the frequent use of double meanings and the sexualizing of language often used by seducers

6. Do not go into places where alcohol is served with a member of the opposite sex

7. Maintain professional boundaries within work associates

8. Maintain mannerly boundaries when socializing in public

9. Do not draw undue attention to yourself through provocative clothing

10. Be aware that after a few drinks, people often behave more like animals. If the drinking becomes heavy, you will need to leave.

Although Christmas is a time for good cheer, giving and celebration, it is also a time of increased dangers.  Taking a few precautionary steps will help make it a safe and affair-free holiday season.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and alcohol, alcohol and cheating, Avoiding affairs, Understanding Affairs

The newspaper in San Luis Obisbo recently ran an article on dealing the Office Christmas Parties. Christmas parties are a prime breeding grounds for infidelity.  Outside of the internet, the office party is one of the more high risk situations when it comes to affairs. The article discusses the reasons why such parties are dangerous and what can be done about them. The highest risk group is the 20-something crowd, which is the most tolerant of cheating behaviors, even over previous generations.

These are two of the more interesting recent articles dealing with infidelity.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

20 somethings and infidelity, cheating at the office party, office Christmas party and infidelity, Understanding Affairs