Previous generations often used the term “Shame! Shame!” or “Shame on you!” as a way to confront some behaviors. On hearing those comments, the receiver was doused with emotional remorse. Unfortunately, the overuse of the term shame lent itself to confusion with guilt. The confusion of shame and guilt is where we need to start. In order to have ‘true’ guilt, there had to be a wrong doing or a violation of a law or person. If there has been no wrong, then there will be no guilt. Separating out shame and guilt is important, because each requires different solutions. In the case of guilt, accept responsibility for what was done, admit what was done and then take steps to repair the damage that was done.
In the case of shame, an attempt is being made to cast negative associations on a person. In most cases, the negative association arises due to being associated with someone who actually did a wrong. With affairs, your spouse may have done the wrong, but the resolute spouse often has to deal with the shame. Although it is not ‘fair’ that the party who did no wrong has to endure painful emotions or negative associations with the affair, that is part of the damage inflicted by an affair. Defending oneself will only make you look guilty. When you are struggling with affair related shame, it is important to not succumb to the temptation to argue or defend. Do what is right concerning your treatment of others and your spouse. Taking such a course is often unpleasant, but necessary if reconcilliation is your goal. If you are wanting to end the marriage or inflict pain, or stay in the midst of negative feelings, then you can defend, argue, condemn, attack and run down people all you like. Taking that course will often turn the tables to where the adulterer looks like the innocent party becasue “who could live with someone like you?”
These are not easy options, by any means.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
