If you have had the misfortune of either being in a relationship with a habitual adulterer or if you are a habitual adulterer, you will find that that changing the pattern is not easy. When behaviors are repeated often enough, they become ingrained in the person and their support system. In the case of cheating, when one decides to change that pattern, there is tremendous resistance to any change being made. Besides resisting change, such systems also support and encourage affairs. The system does so by making excuses for the cheater, allowing them off the hook easy, turning away from what occurred, and assorted other behaviors that make it comfortable for the cheater to continue cheating. Although it sounds bizarre, in such systems, there is a payoff to keeping the cheater cheating. It keeps people from being honest, keeps them in a routine, allows them to act out without remorse, and it keeps a familiar pattern going.
When confronting a system that allows cheating, it is important to recognize what you are up against. When overcoming the cheating patterns, your enemy is not only the cheating but also the attitudes in that system that allows it to continue. If you put your spouse back into such a system, it will only be a matter of time before it happens again. The system may be their family, their workplace, or their friends. Before you can have victor, you need to recognize the enemy. The enemy is the thinking and attitude that allows the affair to occur and continue. Although it is difficult to change the pattern, it is worth the effort.
Changing the pattern will mean that you need to have new, healthier patterns. This means they may have to change their attitude toward members of the opposite sex, their attitudes toward marriage, their attitudes toward morals, and what they consider “fun” . The mindset of affairs is one of selfishness, secrets, immediate gratification, not thinking, and wanting some ‘action’. Changing that means changing each aspect of the pattern.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
