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Helping too much

February 27, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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Many people run to their churches, synagogues and other faith-based institutions after the occurrence of an affair. At these places, they often find comfort and support. When these churches, synagogues and other faith-based institutions go beyond the call of duty in responding to hurt spouses, they start to become part of a bigger problem. In the natural flow of events, spouses struggle through the pain associated with an affair. The pain is part of what often brings them back to each other and motivates them to work through their problems. When the churches and church groups begin taking away the pain, and comforting too much, then the hurting spouse is no longer hurting. The hurt spouse finds that their needs and hurts are dealt with better at the church than in the home. When this happens, the church with its support systems has actually contributed to the breakdown of the marriage rather than to its repair. The motivations for providing the comfort are often well placed since no one wants to see others hurt. The danger lies in relieving hurt too fast, being the wrong person to relieve the hurt or relieving the hurt in the wrong manner. Pain and hurt are part of the healing process. It is often important to go through these experiences rather than taking short cuts.

I have seen marriages and couples break-up due to the type and kind of support their received. There are times that the support groups are too helpful, and actually contribute to masking over the problem. There were issues in the marriage that contributed to the affair. When support services are provided which do not deal with the issues, they are often whitewashed and not dealt with at all. With the issues unresolved, the cycle of dysfucntion continues into future relationships those people may have.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

Reframing Family History

February 26, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In the aftermath of an affair, parents often do many things which they think will help with adjustment to what went down. Many times the motives for the actions they take are noble. The actions taken often have good intentions. Although the intentions are good, the impact is often disastrous. Some parents remove or reduce the children from contact with the adulterer thinking that what they did was contagious. They rationalize their actions, claiming that it was ‘for the good of the children’. In the aftermath of the affair, the adulterer often needs contact with their children and others. The children also need contact with their parents. The child may not approve of what the parent did, but it is still their parent.

Another area where I have seen damage done concerns ‘reframing’. In reframing, the parents attempt constructing a new family. The manufacture of the ‘new family’ often involves retelling the history of the family and changing many parts of it. The reframing may lead to alienating the children from their parent. Some people are written out of the family history. It is as if the family wants to deny their existence. Children growing up under such conditions find themselves struggling with confusion. They remember growing up one way, yet the ‘approved’ history of the family is different. When these descrepencies arise, they often begin doubing themselves rather than question the accepted or ‘reframed’ history of the family. Rather than deal with the reality that some bad choices were made, the children are led to believe a fantasy about a family that never existed. Reframing brings with it a danger. The danger is that the children often begin doubting themselves, rather than trust themselves and their own gut reactions. They are led to accept the ‘party line’ or accepted version of the affair rather than workign through the factual events and persons.  Although the intentions may be good, the impact is not. Such reframing often destoys self confidence in ways that are often not visible until years later.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Parent Alienation Syndrome, Rebuilding the relationship

Values Crisis

February 25, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In dealing with affairs, I have realized that there are often three major scars of damage inflicted  in the course of an affair. The first scar or damage is that inflicted by the affair itself. The second occurs in conjunction with the discovery and hiding of the affair. The third concerns how the family deals with the affair. Since there have been many postings on topics related to the first and second scars, I will address the values crisis associated with the third scar.

The family reaction to an affair presents a values crisis for many reasons. it becomes a crisis since what occurred with the affair and its cover-up are often at odds with the values held by the family. There is often a massive difference between what is espoused in terms of stated beliefs and what is practiced in terms of behaviors shown. There is a dissonance between what is done and what was said. Although the family may say that lying, cheating, breaking promises and threatening is not acceptable, when an affair occurs, such behaviors are often readily dsiplayed.  In some cases, the values of openness, love and acceptance are challenged by the betrayal and lies surrounding the affair. The children see how the parents respond to the situation. In viewing their parents responses, they see which value system their parents actually live by, rather than what is preached. Upon seeing this descrepency, they often loose faith with either their parents, their religion or both. In some cases, they try rationalizing it thinking that somehow their parents are special exceptions to the values crisis. The idea of thinking that the rules somehow do not apply to them creates an unstable foundation for moral and social development. Social development hinges on people doing what they say they will do. Thinking that one is an exception to that foundational truth presents many problems.

The parents often falsely assume that once the affair is over and exposed, the damage is over with. They are sadly mistaken. The damage done in how they responded to the affair is often like a cracked foundation, which initially appears to be alright although the reality is that the whole structure has been weakened by it. It is during this time that some parents begin the process of alienating their children from the adulterer or in some cases the resolute spouse. Rather than working out their issues directly, the parents begin fighting through the children. In such occurances, both parents end up losing since the children learn they can not trust either one.

When dealing with affairs, it is important to deal with not only the affairs, but also how the family responds to the affair and the adulterer.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Parent Alienation Syndrome

Isn’t it time to put that behind you?

February 24, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

One of the blow-off lines often used by family members to silence discussions about affairs and their impact is the question, “Isn’t it time to put that behind you?” By using this technique the adulterers avoid serious discussion of the issues related to the affair. I have seen this technique used for years to put off dealing with the affair and its related issues.  Although there is some face validity to the question, it ignores the point that there is no statute of limitations on hurt and pain. If affairs were “acceptable” and not wrong, then why do they inflict so much pain over so many generations.

Although nations like England are telling parents to avoid giving morality lessons in an effort to avoid such issues, all this will do is prolong the pain. When the issues are not dealt with, they are not resolved. Some of the issues that need attention are the lies, betrayal, trust, loyalty, abuse of power, guilt and shame. Adulterers may use many types of mental sumersaults to rationalize and excuse the affair, like “I deserve happiness”, “It is between adults”, “No one was hurt”, and other lines. They put off dealing with the pain, but do nothing to bring healing to the hurts. Although the English ministers claim that they do not know what is right and what is wrong, answers can be found. It does not take an advanced degree to know that lies, betrayal, deceit, disloyalty and cheating are wrong. Such approaches are a close cousin to the strategies used by infidels in putting off discussions of the affair for years hoping that it will all ‘just go away’. It does not just go away, for the resolute spouse, for the children, for the parents, for anyone. Instead of being time to put it behind, it may be time to finally get honest and discuss the issues with their associated hurts and find ways to live with the choices made and heal the pain.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

Affairs have consequences

February 23, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

The affair between Chandra Levy and Congressman Gary Condit was big news after her murdered body was found. The cloud of suspicion that hung over the Congressman associated with the affair was enough to force him to retire from office and find a new life selling ice cream in Arizona. Although the Congressman had nothing to do with her death, the shame of the affair was enough to raise suspicions. He has since been cleared, but the shame remains.

Congressman Condit’s story has a lesson that applies to all affairs. That lesson is that the shame and cloud of suspicion hangs around long after the affair is over. Even when something as tragic as a murder occurs, those involved in the affair will be suspected. Condit could not overcome the shame, even with all his power. If the Congressman could not, what makes an everyday adulterer think that they can?

Violating your marriage vows or cheating on your partner still brings consequences. Marriage and commitment are still important to people. Cheating against your spouse or partner has consequences. Even when you try to rationalize it, you can not out run those consequences. You may mentally excuse the affair with all sort of rationalizations, but you can’t overcome them. . Even if you listen to professors who vilify marriage and commitments cheating against them (spouses and partners) bring serious consequences.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs in the News

“I hate holidays”

February 22, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Statements such as “I hate holidays!” is common in families that have been touched by affairs. Affairs have a way of turning holidays into times of conflict and pain. The old loyalties to family members are fragmented.  The children find themselves having to accept people and situations they may not like. Since they love their parents, they find themselves torn between their feelings to each of them. Since families often find themselves together over the holidays, when there has been an affair, they are brought face to face with the pain and shame of the affair. It is akin to taking a dog and rubbing their nose in their own feces. Dogs don’t like it, nor do family members like it either. The dislike of the holidays will show up in the form of comments and resistance to attending the family events. Your children may not be misbehaving, they may be having normal reactions to misbehavior by the parents. Before taking your child to the therapist to ‘fix them’, you may need to consider how the affair contributes to things first. Hating holidays and family gatherings is an indication that something is going on, and that the something is painful.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Understanding Affairs

“Who are these people?”

February 19, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Affairs often force children into situations that they would have never chosen. When affairs are underway, the circumstances often force children into awkward meetings with the lover and their family. Although the adulterer often entertains fantasies about how smoothly their children will adjust, and how they will fit in, the reality is often very different from the fantasy. Children often want to ‘keep the peace’ and not say all that they feel or think. It is a wrong assumption to think that just because they are not saying much, that they are accepting or approving of the situation. The child has just been thrown into a new social world. Not only are they thrown into this new world, they are also having a moral system thrust upon them by the situation which is not of their choosing. Although the adulterer has accepted the situation, it does not mean the children will. Just because your child carries part of your DNA, it does not mean that they will think, accept, respond and be alright with the situations that the adulterer is.

Inside the child’s mind are questions like “Who are these people?”, “What happened to my parent?” or some variant. The adjustment to the new family is often more difficult for an adult child than for a younger one. It is a false assumption to think that just because they are adults, that they will accept the situation. If you children are grown, with young children, they may be forced to wrestle with value decisions that the adulterer made for them. They are forced to accept a situation, just because it is their parent. Some parents exploit this relationship by forcing their children to accept their ‘choice’ in lovers. It is as if they are taking their children hostage in terms of values and morals. The child often feels trapped by such situations.

If you are having an affair, it is important to be aware that just because you enjoy your lover and their family, it does not immediately mean that your children will also.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children

“It’s between adults”

February 17, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

A common phrase used to dismiss the concerns of children and others who express disapproval of affairs is “It’s between adults”. Yes the affair does occur between people who are physically adults. What is often not seen is how the affair will impact the children and those other people who make up the social world of the adulterer. They often see the blind spots that the adulterer does not see. They often see through the lover and the affair situation.

Although the phrase “It’s between adults” is used to dismiss concerns, this type of response is far from being mature. Mature persons consider the impact of their actions on others. Mature decisions take into consideration the various ripples produced by one’s actions. More often, the adulterer seeks the gratification of their urges over the needs of their family members, or the reputation of the family which often suffers when affair occur. They do not realize that their children will have to live under the shadow of the actions of their parents. Although phrases like “Son of a bitch!” or “Son of a whore!” are deemed offensive, they are true statements of what is occurring. It is not by chance that some of the most offensive name calling that occurs concerns the sexual proclivities of the parents. One reason they are so offensive is that the reality of the situation stings. No adulterer wants to face the cold hard truth concerning what transpired “between adults” for what it was and what their children will have to live with. The people around them see what is actually taking place. Before dismissing the concerns of family or friends when they express resistance to a relationship, try to look at it through their eyes. You may be very surprised at what you learn and see.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Understanding Affairs

“They will understand”

February 16, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

When people have affairs, they often do not consider the impact it will have on their children, their parents, and even their grand children.  The impact is often minimized and rationalized with such comments as “They will understand”. When such comments are used, the purpose is to excuse the guilt. Although the adulterer tells themselves such a comment it does little to ‘fix’ the situation or help their family members (parents, siblings or children) to truly understand.

For the sake of argument, assuming that family members ‘understand’, what is it that they are understanding? Do they understand that you cheated? Do they understand that you are not trying to work things out with your spouse? Do they understand that you can’t resist temptation and keep your knickers up? Do they understand that you do not have the self-control and the moral gumption to say “No”?  What is it that you want them to understand? Although the word understand is often used, the application of the term is often one of acceptance. They want the family members to excuse and accept what they are doing. Acceptance is not understanding. Understanding involves having an awareness of what occurred and the motives for it. They may fully understand and comprehend what you have done (or are doing). What is often missing is their approval or condoning what was done. They may clearly see what is happening better than the adulterer does. Conflicts often start when the family member refuses to condone or approve of the affair. The adulterer fires back—-”YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” They do understand, they just don’t approve. By misusing words like understand instead of acceptance or approval, any discussion of the affair often turns into a confusing fight. Since the meanings of the words become twisted, it is difficult to sort out the events, from motives, from diapproval of what they did. Family may still accept the adulterer but not the adultery. Acceptance of the person is NOT the same as approval of what occurred. You actions and your who you are as a person are two distinctly different entities.

In workign through an affair, it is important to not confuse the meanings of words. The confusion of the emotions is bad enough without complicating matters by changing meanings.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

Where is your heart on Valentine’s Day?

February 12, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Valentine’s Day is a day that can be a boon or a bane to lovers.  The day offers opportunities to make up and restore the relationship with your spouse. Spouses are often more open to reconciliation on Valentine’s Day than many other days, unless it has some negative associations with it. Although most people have down the association of the heart with love, it also has other connotations. In terms of symbolism, the heart is also the center of the soul or an expression of what is most important to you. Giving your spouse a heart symbolizes that they are the centre of your life. They are the focus of your emotions.

The importance of the heart is ancient. In ancient Egypt, the heart was the only organ left within the person being mummified, since it was essential to the afterlife. The heart even to this day is essential for physical and emotional life. Ancients considered the heart, the centre of a person’s being. Whatever your heart focused on was seen as the main focus of one’s life.

Valentine’s Day provides a time to consider what is at the center of your being? Is it yourself, your spouse, your family or your lover?  Valentine’s Day provides an opportunity to express your love or to quench your love, if you are inclinded to forget or ignore expressing your affections. This day provides the opportunity to draw close or to alienate.

Valentine’s Day and the days approaching it also provide opportunites to uncover affairs. Since there are many associations with Valentine’s Day, lovers often have expectations of the adulterer to show their love on that day. If you supsect your spouse of unfaithfulness, the lead up to Valentine’s Day is one of the windows of opportunity to discover where their heart truly lies.

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs
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