How to cope with a cheating spouse

Some couples while recovering from affairs find themselves dealing with ‘ghost affairs’. A ‘ghost affair’ is the term I use in referring to the residual image or afterglow of an affair.  What often happens is that the infidel reminisces about the affair relationship. These reminisces often take on a romanticizing of the events and persons involved. When engaged in the ghost affair, the person is mentally and emotionally reliving the events of the affair. Physically they may be in the home, yet the other parts of their being are still engaged and connected to the adulterous party.

When ghost affairs are occurring, there is often an emotional reaction from the resolute spouse. It is as if there is an instant replay of the affair all over again. Marriage relationships do not work well with three or more people caught in a drama triangle. The marriage relationship works best with two people loyally committed to one another. The entrance of a third party either physically or through ‘ghost affairs’ often has emotional repercussions.

Ghost affairs can also occur with widowers and widows as well when they are emotionally reliving their previous marriage with their now dead spouse.

Ghost affairs, like all other infidelities needs to be discussed and worked through. Although the person in the midst of such a relationship will deny that there is any relationship going on, the resolute spouse senses what is going on. The emotional pain will still need to be addressed.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery and ghost affairs, infidelity and ghost affairs, overcoming infidelity, reliving affairs, Understanding Affairs

A major part of affairs concerns fantasy. In some ways, an affair shares similarities with a connect the dots game, except with affairs, many of the dots you want to connect are missing. One area where they are missing regards the ‘other woman’ (or other man). Although the infidel reports being in love with them, oftentimes they know very little about that person. They know how they feel when they are with that person, and those internal sensations often over ride common sense and keep them from seeing what is actually going on. While in the midst of the fantasy, the other person is viewed as ‘the person who completes them’ or ‘the love of my life’ or ‘my ideal woman’. Even in the language used to describe the other women, there are themes of incompleteness that will only be satiated when they are with their lover. The lover in many ways becomes an idol which the infidel views as all their hopes, their salvation, their purpose, their completion. What they do not see is that their fantasy lover is a figment of their imagination. They do not see the other woman for who she is. They do not see where the relationship with the lover will actually take them. They often do not know much about that person’s past.

When things really get out of control, they marry their lover, only to be surprised when their lover has an affair on them. At that point, they wonder who it was that they married. They ask themselves questions like “How could she do this to me?”. When such situations occur I often want to remind them that they are being true to their nature. They were not loyal to their first spouse, they disregarded your previous marriage, so what made you think they would change? The person did not get to know the lover for who they really were.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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At a conference I attended, the presenter made a remark which has stuck with me over the years. He said, “No one leaves a good lover except a sex addict”.  This is one of those statements that has more meaning as I meditate on his statement. One of the truths that I have realized is that when a spouse is content with their partner, they do not look elsewhere for their needs. When the needs are being met at home, there is no reason to look elsewhere.

One of the fallacies concerning affairs is the belief that “something is wrong and an affair will fix it.” Affairs seldom solve anything. Cheating only serves to distract and create other problems. The affair only serves to change the battlefield and who the antagonists are in their struggle in facing reality and needs for intimacy.

When a cheater leaves their spouse, assuming that their sex life was healthy, the possibility of a sexual addiction is something to seriously consider.

The hard part of the saying involves getting honest with oneself and ones spouse concerning whether or not they were a ‘good lover’ and what it means to be a good lover. The definition of a good lover often changes between your twenties and your forties. It will also be important for you and your spouse to share a common definition of what a good lover is and how each of you want and need to be loved.

Here’s to good lovers.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheaters and good lovers, good lovers and affairs, infidelity, leaving your spouse for a lover, Understanding Affairs

Contrary to the excuses made concerning affairs, they don’t ‘just happen’. When a cheating spouse is found out, they may come across as sincere in their bewilderment as to how such a thing could have happened. The offending spouse may have been totally unaware of the events leading up to the infidelity and when they tell you that it ‘just happened’ they mean what they say.

Prior to an an act of infidelity, there is a build-up leading to the affair. The build-up is often internal. The soon to be offending spouse often distances themselves from their spouse physically or emotionally prior to an affair. (In some cases, they do the opposite just for the sake of throwing things off). Whether they do their distancing by either drawing further away of becoming overly close, these are signals that something is up. The soon to be offending spouse has likely entertained the fantasy of an affair and often has to work up their nerve and courage before carrying out their fantasy. Vocations which involve high levels of entertaining, high cash flow and large amounts of unstructured time are particularly at risk.

It is during that build up that the last opportunity exists to prevent an affair from taking place. The infidel to be in some cases takes on a ‘glazed’ look which is another indicator that something is about to unfold.

There are many other early warning signals to look for. These signals often vary from person to person. What is clear is that there are often signals being sent out that broadcast their actions, if the resolute spouse is alert and saavy enough to pick up on them.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

build up to an affair, dealing with early warning signs of an affair, do affairs just happen?, signals that an affair is about to happen, Understanding Affairs

One of the questions often asked of affairs is ‘why?’ Although the question is often asked, not many couples seek a full understanding of dynamics. Most often they want to find someone to blame or something to blame. The why question is asked only to ascertain whose fault it is. When questions are asked only to discover where the blame lies, the couple miss out on understanding the situation and themselves.

Some affairs are malicious in nature. Some spouses engage in adultery for paybacks, to send a message or inflict some type of pain. In many cases, the affairs are not malicious. They often start off with legitimate needs. Needs for affection, attention, or admiration. There are needs that had not been satisfied in the marriage. Even in the case of sexual addiction, the affairs are not about being malicious and hurting, but are driven by needs.  The needs themselves are not the problem. What does become problematic are HOW the spouses address those needs. Their solutions to the problems often cause more problems than the original needs themselves. They make poor choices in meeting their needs. Obtaining an understanding of what the needs of your spouse are, and how did they view the affair as meeting those needs are the kinds of questions that provide understanding rather than blaming. Finding answers to these types of questions take the couple in a healthier direction.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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