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“Are you pushing your spouse away?”

May 28, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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When news of an affair comes out, there are often strong reactions from the resolute spouse.  At that time, it is common to hear “That is my wife! (or husband)”. “How could they do that with MY WIFE?” and other statements conveying a sense of shock, bewilderment or anger. The resolute spouse then makes frequent comments about their commitment to their spouse. In many ways, it has been uncanny how those spouses who proclaim that “That is MY WIFE” the loudest are often guilty of not taking care of that wife in the years or months leading up to the affair. Although they use the term ‘wife’ or ‘husband’ with special emphasis, when the proclamation is not supported by action, those proclamations ring hollow.

Most spouses are stunned when their partner has an affair which is expected. What is unexpected is that in many (but not all) situations, the resolute spouse, who is now loudly proclaiming that it is “their wife” had pushed away their partner. When their spouse wanted to be held, or talked to or spend time with them, they often rebuffed them with “why?” or some question concerning the reason for wanting a display of affection or support. After years of not sending them cards or letting them know that they are special, the resolute spouse then expresses a sense of disbelief when the affair happens. In such situations I often think to myself, “Well, what did you expect?”. These couples forget that there are laws of cause and effect.  When the spouse is ignored or not appreciated, they will search for attention somewhere. If you are too busy for your spouse, they will find the attention somewhere.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

The institution of marriage

May 26, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In a recent conversation about affairs with a peer, the subject of ‘the institution of marriage’ came up. He conveyed an experience he had when a man from another country commented that ‘many Americans do not understand the institution of marriage’. He went on to state that rather than recognize that upon deciding to marry, they are entering a special relationship, a special commitment. Americans often view marriage as nothing more than a passageway to obtain sexual gratification’. My friend and I discussed these comments and its application to affairs. With many affairs, the parties involved are still looking to gratify sexual desires with a total disregard to who or what institutions they may hurt. The whole idea of the institution of marriage has lost its significance to a majority of the public. Although the term us often used, most people do not appreciate the significance of entering an ‘institution’ and respecting it. Like entering someone’s home, it needs to be respected and treated in a good manner. Instead it is treated roughly. Rather than appreciate the surroundings and where they are at, they treat it like a drinking hall that they run through on their motorcycles and in their dirty boots.

The story of the institution of marriage and the images associated with it helped give me new appreciation for marriage and what it is about. When it is not appreciated it is easily violated.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

Observations on affairs

May 25, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In assembling material for another book on dealing with affairs, I have come across some thought provoking observations. One is that there is often a greater emphasis on understanding whether or not an affair is taking place than on ways of coping with the affair. There are plenty of top 10 signs that your spouse is cheating, but there are few top 10 signs of How to cope with affairs. There are even fewer top 10 lists of How to know when the affair is over, or the top 10 signs that your marriage is healing after an affair.

In terms of what to make of it, I am not sure. I suspect that many people want to know about whether or not an affair is occurring, yet they do not always want to recover from the affair. People also do not want information on how to break up affairs either, which puzzles me. It seems to me that people should be interested in signs that the affair is over, which is something I would be interested in.

I will share more of the observations and discoveries along the way as I assemble the material for what promises to be a fascinating book dealing the the most common concerns about affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Uncategorized, Understanding Affairs

Making room for excuses

May 22, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

One of the best ways to keep from being taken by hucksters is to avoid them. Likewise one of the best ways to keep being taken (snowed, lied to, snookered, etc.) by a lying spouse is to avoid the opportunities for ‘making excuses’. In the aftermath of an affair, the pain levels are high. During this time of high pain, people often want to reduce their pain and do so quickly. While they are in the midst of the pain, they often grab at the first way to reduce their pain presented to them. Rather than seeking after ‘truth’ the hurting spouse accepts what is ‘plausible’ even though it may be an excuse. Since they want to believe their spouse, they accept the reasons given for the affair, even though the ‘reasons’ are flimsy excuses.

After swallowing the excuse, they often regret having done so.  Statements of self-regret such as “why did I do that?”, “How could I have believed them?”, “Was I really that dumb?” are often heard as they finally wake up to what happened.

In order to avoid hucksters, one must avoid them and avoid the ‘get rich quick’ mentality that often sets people up for their scam. With excuses, a person must not accept the excuses and avoid the ‘get out of pain quick’ mentality that sets them up for the emotional scam as well.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

An affair on steroids

May 17, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In everyday culture, a common phrase used when something is taken to the extremes is that it is “on steroids”. When an affair is taken to extremes, their is a “double life”. The most blatant example of a ‘double life’ is that of Brian Myerson, who maintained two households and even went on vacations with his ‘second family’ and lover. After all the details came out, his marriage is now pending in a British divorce court. Brian was not only living large, his divorce is very large as well. Initially, the 50-year old was ordered to pay 11 million Pounds to his wife as part of the settlement.

The average person often does not have the funds to  maintain an extensive second life. Even though the average Joe or Jane does not have the funds, they often find themselves torn between two worlds. The world of their marriage and the one of the affair. Like an international business broker they shuttle between the two lives while trying to maintain their sanity in the process. Eventually such double lives are found out and it is never a pretty picture.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs in the News

Is it my fault?

May 16, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In the aftermath of an affair, many couples find themselves stuck in a cycle of conflict. Part of the conflict involves the questions they ask themselves and each other. One of those destructive questions is “Is it my fault?” By posing such questions, people are looking for someone to blame. They are looking for a donkey to pin things on. Blaming and affixing blame does little to solve the problems or improve the marriage. Blaming only serves to reduce or increase guilt.  Just in posing the question, they are fault-finding, rather than problem-solving. What the marriage needs in the aftermath of an affair is more problem-solving.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

Signs of Trouble

May 13, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

There are a number of behaviors that serve as clear indications that a marriage is in trouble. Although to some the list may be redundant, there are some readers who have never seen such a list. These are my ten signs that your relationship is in trouble.

1. Your partners visits a lawyer and does not want to talk about it.

2. Your partner opens their own post office box.

3. Your partner and you maintain seperate checking accounts.

4. Your partner maintains health insurance seperate from yours.

5. Your partner has been making sure that their car and health are in top shape within a short period of time.

6. Your partner wants copies of all your income tax records.

7. Your partner is secretive about their cellphone.

8. Your partner protects their email accounts with passwords.

9. Your partner travels a lot without contacting you during their travels.

10. Your partner is secretive about their activities.

These are some of the basic indications that things are not going well in a relationship. They are also signals that someone is close to bailing on a relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

Mother’s Day and Infidelity

May 7, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Although mother’s day and infidelity are not often seen to go hand in hand. Given that 69% of children do not know who their father is, there is a strong possibility that many children were borne from an affair. With Mother’s Day approaching, children remember their parents, or lack thereof. When children were borne out of infidelity, Mother’s Day can be a painful time of recollection.

Mothers will also use the time to reflect on their children and the importance of those children in their lives. It is a great time for reconcilliation, and a terrible time for conflicts. It is one of the worst times to discover an affair. In the past few days, I have addressed topics releated to the pain of affairs. One area of pain that goes with motherhood is that affairs strip away the meaning and hope that once existed in a marriage. It steals away security and intimacy. An affair is more than stealing a kiss, it is stealing a person’s life and purpose. It is stealing their sense of security and peace of mind.

Although some lovers deserve the title of “home wrecker”, some do not. There are some lovers who are caught up believing lies they have been told by a wayward spouse. Had they known that they were part of of such an event, they would not have participated. Mother’s Day is not a time for home wrecking, it is a time for rebuilding, remembering and returning to those values and traditions that provide us with hope, structure and meaning.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children

“Too Painful”

May 6, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In any given week, there are multiple stories concerning adultery and affairs. This week Amy Winehouse and Elizabeth Edwards are both in the news concerning adultery. The pain of adultery is real. Money does not prevent it from occurring nor does it keep those touched by adultery away from the pain. Even when people in the media like Oprah are forbidden to mention the names of those illicit lovers, it does not keep the pain away.

The consequences of adultery are very real as well. In Iran, people are still stoned to death for it.  In Georgia the court considers adultery as serious enough to change a murder charge to voluntary manslaughter.Besides the external pain, there is also the internal pain. In a recent Australian case, Patrizia Rolls attempted suicide on discovering that her husband, Aaron Rolls was having an affair with Mirvat Slieman. What makes this case even more convoluted was that there is strong evidence that the husband and his lover were making plans to murder the wife.  The husband admitted to having several affairs and now the pain of the Rolls marriage is under public scrutiny. The pain associated with affairs rarely stays in bedrooms or offices. The pain has a way of making itself seen in public. It makes a spectacle of the the events.

One of the more tragic stories concerns a French woman named Karen Bach. She married a local DJ. When the couple was down on their finances, they decided to do porn together. Their relationship soon deteriorated, and adultery ran amok first with him and later with her. What started out small soon spun out of control. The husband left her. Several years later, she committed suicide in her Paris apartment.  Her suicide note simply stated “too painful“. Although some may say that such an account is ‘over the top’.  The sad truth is that many times spouses have talked their partners into ‘swapping’ or porn which often turns into an ugly monster beyond what was ever imagined. When affairs and sexual addictions mix together the result is especially painful.

Not only is adultery painful, the ways it spins out of control with suicide, more affairs, illegitimate children, beatings, lies and murder. What starts off as a small pain, does not stay small.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs in the News, Understanding Affairs, sexual addiction

Infidelity Hurts!

May 5, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Although the mind of the infidel often excuses the affair with such phrases as “I deserve to be happy!”, “It makes me happy!”, “He/She makes me _______ (laugh, feel young again, horny, etc.)”. When in the midst of the affair, the infidel does not consider that infidelity hurts those around them. It destroys trust. It destroys reputations. It destroys the spirit of the marriage. What makes infidelity even worse is that the hurt goes on for generations. Although the infidel does not see how people can still be bothered by their actions, the adultery leaves a stain that tarnishes the family reputation and the persons reputation. Long after the passion associated with the affair is gone, the shame and guilt surrounding the events remain casting their shadow across the family.

The children learn that they can not trust the parent involved in the affair. Even years later there is a hesitancy about trusting the infidel parent.

The children often have to live with the shame created by the parent for years. Being known as the “son of that whore down the street” or “the whore’s daughter” are painful labels for anyone to have to face. They carry that shame to school, little league and any other social outlet. The shame also impacts the parents who often feel like they have failed when their child engages in an affair.

The pain of infidelity is often accompanied by rage. Murder, assault, battery and suicide are often connected with affairs. Not everyone who has an affair nor their families are doomed to engage in such acts, yet the odds of those events occuring are higher in families with affairs than in families without affairs.

Although there are excuses used to justify affairs, in the years after an affair, people often do not recall the excuses, but rather the pain of what occurred. Every time holidays or special days such as mother’s day comes around, the families are reminded of the hurt and the choices that were made.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Understanding Affairs
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