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The Other Side of Sexual Addiction

June 30, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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The topic of sexual addiction is one of the issues that people are now willing to discuss in relation to infidelity. Even though couples are willing to look at sex addictions, the other side of sexual addiction and its impact on affairs is not addressed as frequently. The other side of sexual addiction is sexual anorexia. Rather than a compulsive drive to have sex, this is when there is a compulsive desire to avoid sexual relations. In many situations where one member of the couple has a sexual addiction, there is often a sexual anorexia pattern at work as well.

Will sexual anorexia lead to an affair? In terms of the dynamics, it will increase the possiblity of an affair. Since it is more indirect, the issue of sexual anorexia is often avoided or not addressed at all. Since the sexual anorexic did not “act out” they can assume the role of the victim, even though their avoidant behavior may have been a major issue in the development of the affair when the spouse was seeking relationship and connection with someone else. The anorexia is about selfishness and self-focus, yet often goes unnoticed by those outside of the couple. So rather than quickly blame the spouse who acted out and let the other off the hook, in dealing with the affair, one has to honestly deal with how each of the addictions interacted and fed into each other.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: sexual addiction

“Is there any hope for my marriage?”

June 29, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

“Is there any hope for my marriage?” is a common question that a spouse asks. In asking the question, the suffering spouse is seeking reassurances that things will work out. They often want to know the answer to a question like this rather than repair the relationship and work on improving things. Although it is natural to ask for reassurances, many spouses seek the reassurance rather than do what they need to do. Like many in the public, they want promises, reassurances and hope. Such things are necessary, yet they are no substitute for work on the relationship. When assurances and promises are sought after more than change and commitment, problems will soon arrive. Many spouses are already tired of the talk and false hopes, they want results, they want observable change.

I am reminded of the episode in Dante’s inferno when the author describes the entrance of the underworld with the caption, “Abandon hope all ye who enter”. Although some may debate which comes first, the hades experience or the abandonment of hope, the reality is, there is tough going ahead. When a spouse visits a lawyer and papers are served, “There is tough going ahead”.  Like college students who wait until the night before a paper is due to work on it, many couples wait until the papers are served before they finally decide to get serious and get to work on the relationship. In such cases, I would love to give them hope, but it is not a time for promises, it is a time for serious work, which should have been done months or years before.

I address this topic, because relationships with affairs have a high correlation with divorce and filing for divorce.  If you have had an affair, you need to get to work before the lawyer is called and papers delivered.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

Does an affair make me an SOB?

June 25, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

With the recent disclosure of Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina having an affair, the media is looking at the topic again. Although some commentators view his situation as a possible “honey pot” situation where he was set up, the reality remains…he had an affair. He knew that his actions were wrong, otherwise he would not have been unavailable for a period of time. It is true that some affairs are set-ups or even police stings. Although such explanations may ease the pain, the reality remains…they either had or were willing to have an affair. Trying to justify one’s actions based on whether or not it is in the public eye only makes the poison go down smoother. The affair still does its damage. Those involved were being selfish SOB/bitches who were only thinking about themselves and not the consequences of their actions. They were thinking in terms of getting their rocks off, rather than what it would bring. Affairs always have consequences. The short-term immediate gratification mindset does not have room to consider the impact of their acts on parents, children, friends, reputation, or business. It is selfish self-gratification. Excuses like I was lonely, I was desperate, I could not resist, I wasn’t thinking, etc. are only attempts to make what happened palatable. No matter how palatable they make it, when the spouse and family members find out, they will still feel sick to their stomachs and want to throw up.

Does an affair make me a selfish SOB/bitch? YES with no reservations. It may be that you were only that way temporarily. Even if it was a temporary state, you did it. It will inflict damage on those around you. The emotional hand grenade youset off will not limit its damage to only the cheater. The damage hurts those closest to you.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs in the News, Understanding Affairs

Is the lover the problem?

June 24, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

One of the false assumptions concerning affairs is that the lover is all the problem. Many couples assume that by removing the lover from the picture, all the problems are solved. The lover was the infidels solution to the problem. The problem that existed before the affair still exists. The only thing that changed was who was selected as the solution of the problem. If you are seriously interested in solving the problem, recognize that it does not lie with the lover. The lover is only the symptom of deeper relationship or personal problems. With this in mind, when you are looking for answers and solutions, the place to start is with the relationship and in the hearts of the couple.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship

Affairs, paranoia and friends

June 18, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

On reading a recent article that discusses Alec Bladwin’s initial reaction after a private voicemail recording was released and subsequent suicidal thoughts. He knew that the conversation would be used against him. In the aftermath of an affair, it is common for their to be suspicious thoughts and even paranoia. Such feelings worsen when there are any kind of legal proceedings filed. It is during such times that spouses are unsure of who to trust and who they can’t trust. During those times, spouses even become suspicious of their own children, family and friends. It is during such times that you need someone that you can talk with in an honest straightforward manner rather than keep the pain and uneasiness bottled up inside.

When legal proceedings are filed, it is as if you see a whole different woman or man than you thought you married. Phone calls and visits turn from innocuous conversations to potential material that may show up in court. When there is such an upheavel in close relationships, it is not clear who you can trust or what you can believe. One way to navigate through the confusion is to find friends who are honest with you and have your best interest at heart. Not someone who secretly wants your spouse behind your back or is only interested in your money, or wants to get you in the sack. You need people that are interested in helping you make the best choices, both in the short term and the long term. In some cases, you may need to develop not just one friendship, but a whole support network to help you through such times. You do not need someone who sides with you just to validate your perceptions, those kind of trained monkeys and parrots you can find at a pet store. You need a friend, who can tell you the truth and is not afraid of how you might react.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs in the News, Understanding Affairs

Meddling Parents

June 17, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Although the thought of parental meddling seems odd concerning an affair, the threat is very real. When affairs occur, many adult children still consult with their parents at some time during the ordeal. Although the parents were likely a part of the wedding ceremony and signed the guest book, they soon forget what that meant. By signing the guest register, and being part of the ceremony, they are agreeing to help keep the couple together. Some parents forget what that means. Rather than help the couple stay together through the crisis, they work toward separating them. Some parents do this in an overt manner, while others are sneaky and do their work covertly. Although the parents claim that their children have no respect for the institution of marriage, they themselves disregard the institution when they work toward splitting the couple apart.

It is common that parents will side with their children, yet they have an obligation to work for restoration rather than steer the children to the divorce court. This may involve confrontation of unacceptable behaviors, keeping their peace at times and forgiving rather than taking up offenses.

In cases where parents forget their obligations, steps may need to be taken that will establish clear boundaries in the situation.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Understanding Affairs

Who did they have an affair with?

June 15, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Although the question is often asked “Who did you have the affair with?”. It is rare that the cheater gives a gut-level honest answer. Yes, they can tell you the person who they were with, but oftentimes, the emotional attachment is to the fantasies they have about the person more than the person themselves. The images in their head about the lover is often more telling than the person they select.

I have seen cheaters who love the avatar of their lover more than the lover themselves. When this occurs, it makes it challenging to sort out what is going on in the relationship. If you ever wondered ‘What does he/she see in him/her?’ , the gut-level honest answer is that they are having an affair with the avatar  more than the lover themselves. When this is understood, many affairs that previously did not make sense, now make much more sense. Consider the affairs that occur in Second Life. These are often between the avatars, since the people have not actually met.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

The existential problem of infidelity

June 14, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Although morals often change with the times and fashions, infidelity remains one of those areas that people know is wrong. Many types of misbehavior can be rationalized and excused.  Even when people try to excuse affairs, they find that the excuse may sound plausible to the lover when they are in the midst of the affair, yet when they are face to face with their spouse, the excuse does not sound so good.

Ironically, affairsmay begin as an escape from reality, and through that force everyone to face reality. People around the world intensically know that sleeping with another persons spouse is inherently not acceptable. ( I have posted articles from news sources in Asia, Australia, Africa, Europe and other locations indicative of the unacceptability of infidelity) The idea of using or taking what is not righfully theirs to enjoy is unacceptable. Many kinds of excuses can be made for “free love”, yet in the divorce court, many infidels discover that “free love” can be very expensive.

Before talking yourself into having an affair, consider that it will be more difficult and more expensive in tems of emotions and money than you can imagine.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

The need for relationship

June 12, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

As humans, we all need to be in relationship. Part of being ‘in relationship’ is feeling connected to people who are important to us. This need for being ‘in relationship’ is part of the natural process of being human. Anyone who grows up healthy and functional has this need. In functional marriages, this need is often satisfied in the relationship between the spouses. Problems arise when the relationship with the spouse does not satisfy the need to be connected to others. Often those struggling through those times develop attachments to substitutes. These substitutes may be hobbies, religious activities, or even socially oriented activities. The substitutions, like all substitutions only temporarily address the needs. Being that they only temporarily address the needs, the person with the needs may continue feeling empty and unconnected despite being active and involved. In such cases, they are vulnerable to affairs. They are so hungry for a sense of connectedness and relationship that in an act of desperation, they use the relationship with the other person as a way to satisfy their needs for relationship. The danger lies in that affair relationships by their very nature can not meet the need that the person seeking them is after. Relationships are chosen that leave them feeling more alienated and unconnected than they did at first.

In attempting to understand the “why” behind affairs, there are often basic needs that were not being addressed or satisfied in the marriage. One of these basic needs is the need to be ‘in relationship’. This need is often confused with sex, since people often use sex as a means to connect, without realizing that the need was for the relationship, not the sex.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

Affairs: An issue for courts or churches?

June 11, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

When struggling through affairs, one of the challenging questions concerns whether it is a matter for the church or the courts. Each body has its own remedies and procedures. When seeking a remedy for an affair, it is important to know what each can do and what they can not do. There are benefits and drawbacks to each option. A ruling by the Texas Supreme Court a few years ago underscores the difference. In the ruling, the court supported the pastor who informed the church elders about a woman’s affair. The court refused to intervene, citing it was a ‘church matter’. The ruling is a reminder that if you choose the church route, you have to play by church rules. If you choose the courts, you must play by the courts rules.  People often get themselves in trouble when they confuse the two and try to mix their expectations of each.

If you want confidentiality, go to a counselor, if you want legal remedy go to the courts, and if you want to want a pastor’s guidance, go to the church.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs
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