Dealing with a cheating spouse?

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Fixing the hole of affairs

July 29, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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If affairs are the solution, then what is the problem? Many times cheaters look to affairs as a way to ‘fix’ a problem in their marriage or their life. In the time leading up to the affair, they often psych themselves out with mantras concerning how the affair will improve some aspect of their lives. Although the affair is touted as an answer, the hard reality is that an affair does not ‘fix’ anything. The cheaters biggest problem is the solution they chose to fix something. Rather than work on the thing that needed fixing, they chose to seek the affair with all the baggage that goes with it.

When you are talking with the cheater, (as opposed to attacking them), if you want to get to the root of the difficulties, it will be important to recognize that the affair was their ‘solution’. Understanding what occured will become clear when you look beyond the affair to what the affair was ‘fixing’, and ‘how’ it fixed it. There are often fantasies about ‘how’ the affair will change things. That is a good place to start. Consider whether the affair did what they wanted it to do. When you begin viewing the affair as their solution, then the real issues will become much clearer. The real issue or root will take you to what the affair sought to ‘fix’.

When thinking about affairs, I am often reminded of a line from an old Beatles song “I’m fixing a hole…” Using an affair to ‘fix’ things is very much like ‘fixing’ the hole that the song addressed.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

“It’s just human nature”

July 25, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

It amazes me how individuals who are determined to have an affair will manufacture any excuse they can. Rather than assume responsibility to their choices and actions, they will blame instincts, urges, human nature, the other person, the situation, anything but themselves. I mention the human nature since the act of having sex with anything that has a skirt or anything with pants is NOT  human nature at all, it is animal nature. When my dog has the urge, he is not selective at all. Anything that has four legs like him will do. This is base animal instinct. Although the word human is thrown in, the mere suggestion that it is ‘human instinct’ (or its gender based variants-”I am a man” or “I am a woman”) indicates that they do not understand what it means to be human. They do not understand what it means to exercise self-control over their urges. They do not understand what it means to be in a marriage relationship. All they understand is how to mate, and live together.

Being human means that we do not have to give into an urge, simply because we experience it. As humans, we have the capacity for self-control.  We have the capacity to say no to someone who happens to catch our attention or arouse us. Animals do not have the capacity to say no to their urges.

So if your spouse gives the excuse that ‘it’s just human nature’, it is just an excuse. They are blaming someone or something else. They are avoiding all responsibility. Rather than succumb to the assumption that they operate on an animal instinct level, hold them accountable to human levels of behavior. Allowing them to get away with such an excuse only allows them to operate blind immature level of relationships.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs, sexual addiction

The Tyranny of ‘Consenting Adults’

July 18, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

One of the most tragic aspects of cheating is that families and lives are destroyed, while those who perpetrated the cheating often gloat and justify their actions by saying it was ‘between consenting adults’. Although the selfish adults who participated in the affair consented, they did not consider how their actions would impact their family, children, parents, job, reputation and community. With each affair that occurs within a family or community, something dies. Some of the strength and hope that once existed is destroyed. Such actions serve to weaken families, communities and churches all in the name of ‘consenting adults’.

The phrase ‘consenting adults’ is often bandied about as if somehow it makes everything right. The phrase somehow makes their selfish acts and the single parent homes left in the wake of their infidelity acceptable to them. They do not consider the pain of family members and friends who carry the scars and have to face the damage of those ‘consenting adults’. The cheaters use the phrase as if it were a ‘get out of jail free card’ that allows them to engage in any kind of behavior they desire without any accountablity or responsibility. They want to be totally irresponsible and expect others to accept them and clean up their mess as if it were ‘no big deal’. Infidelity is a big deal. Dealing with the shame of having a father or mother that sleeps around or is a swinger stays with them for years after the fun of ‘consenting adults’ is over.

Although those using the term ‘consenting adults’ to excuse their behavior as if they were responsible adults, the results often take away choices and freedoms from those around them. The victims of the ‘consenting adults’ often do not have choices concerning how they live their lives. The stigma of what the consenting adults did does not wash off with soap and water.  Some researches have suggested that the impact of such actions may be as long as 80-100 years. History teaches that the hurts associated with infidelities often stretch even further. Long after the ‘consenting adults’ are dead and gone, those left behind find themselves facing the pain and ugliness of the choices that the ‘consenting adults’ refused to face.

The term is used as a type of tyranny that stretches across the generations. The pain does not end when people die. The pain does not end when the affair is over. The pain is passed like the Olympic torch from generation to generation, who each will have to face and struggle with the habits, patterns and reputation of those ‘consenting adults’ that went before.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Understanding Affairs

“How long will it be….”

July 17, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Waiting is never enjoyable. Overcoming infidelity often involves waiting. Waiting for your spouse to come home, waiting for phone calls when they are out of town, waiting for the next possible episode. There are many forms of waiting. No matter what form you find yourself dealing with, it does not make it any easier.

Coping with the waiting is often a challenge. The wait often involves soul searching in terms of where you put your faith. Do you have more faith that your spouse will make a mistake or more faith that your spouse will remain loyal. During the wait, you find out where your faith truly lies. You may say that you hope for the best. Despite all the good rhetoric, when you are waiting you find out where your faith truly lies. When the images replay over and over in your mind, are they of your spouse doing you right or of doing you wrong.

When spouses have had a heavy diet of romance novels or pornography, they often find themselves struggling with their thoughts. Those media forms often weaken self-control of the thoughts. After a heavy diet of them, it is increasingly harder to trust in the best. The thoughts of the worst just come. Too many fantasies make it hard to disipline the mind.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

“Why wasn’t I enough?”

July 16, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

The question “Why wasn’t I enough?” is another one of the queries that often arise in the aftermath of an affair. Let us take a look at the question and responses to it. First it is a “why?” question. Why questions are looking for explanations. By their very nature they put people on the defensive. They have an accusatory tone to them. These questions also focus on the past. They look at what happened and try to find the answers in the past. Even the addition of “wasn’t” is focused on the past. This question puts both the questioner and the questionee under scrutiny. By its very nature, the question is seeking explanations for inadequacy. It already assumes that the party being cheated on was inadequate. Such questions carry the baggage of assumptions with them. In posing such questions to the cheater, you provide an easy out. It assumes something was wrong with you and all they have to do is identify some trait or quality where you were lacking in order to answer the question. It is a question from the language of inadequacy.

The answer may be that nothing was wrong with you. The problem could lie with the cheater and their choices.  A better question would be “What needs to be added to our relationship?” or “What more do you need from me or us?” Since most cheaters often act without thinking through their choices, they probable will not be able to identify the real issues. The cheaters that do think often obsess on a few qualities in order to justify their cheating activities. They also have a highly inflated value on sexual activity and selfishness. It is as if they want to sexually act out and are looking for an excuse. Fault finding is a way to identify and excuse. They use the fault finding like a “get out of jail free card” to avoid the pain of their choices.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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What if they do it again?

July 15, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Many spouses live in fear that what happened could occur again. That fear is so real that they often react emotionally as if it was happening in the ‘here and now’ (e.g. present tense). The tendency to live in the future rather than the present can be a nightmare. Those living in the future often find their lives filled with fear and reactivity. Although planning for the future and living in the future may be good for business, it is not the best choice for relationships. Many times what you are doing and saying now in your relationship is more important than all kinds of promises that you make for the future. The positive intentions have their place. In terms of healing the relationship, spouses will look for what you are doing NOW. They want to know that you love them and are committed to them today. Commitments to the future of the relationships are good, yet doing something now is better.

For those living in the fear of “What if they do it again?”, you will need to shift your question to “”What can I do to prevent it now?”  or “What can I do to improve things now?” or “How can I reduce the possibility that it will happen again?”  These are subtle changes, yet will lead to profound results in terms of reducing the fear and living life in the present.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

Is there any hope for us?

July 13, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

I am often asked “Is there any hope for us?”. When clients ask the question, they often seek a combination of reassurance and fortune telling. They have often spent years tearing down each other and now want an “outsider” to come along and make things better. I often wish it was that simple. The more pressing question is “Have you given up hope?” or “What are you looking for hope from me, when the persons you need to ask are you and your spouse?”

The giving up of hope is often a major turning point in relationships. That juncture is when decide if they want to fight for their relationship or just ‘let it die’. They want a magic answer that  somehow give them the ability to carry on and work through things. Looking to people outside of the relationship for answers is part of what got them into the mess in the first place. Repeating the pattern is not changing the pattern. Instead of repeating the pattern, they need to make changes in how they do things and where they look for answers. Wanting a single person outside of their marriage to change and transform the relationship is the same thinking behind the affair. The person did indeed transform the relationship, although in a manner they were not seeking.

Couples often need the help of a counselor in helping them, although helping is very different than the counselor fixing the relationship.  Seeking outside direction is often helpful. It is when they want the outside sources to ‘take away the pain’ and magically ‘fix’ the relationship that problems worsen. The haunting reality is that they will need to honestly address “Where does your hope lie?” When they find the source of that hope, and take action, then changes will occur.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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When do people cheat?

July 8, 2009 By Jeff Murrah 1 Comment

Researchers of human relationships continue debating what percentage of couples have affairs. Data ranges from 10-40% depending on the study. Surveys in women’s magazines often report higher numbers than when researchers are asking people face to face. Surveys show that even some women and men who hold to values opposed to infidelity have crossed the line and participated in infidelity. With all these conflicting results, it is often difficult to obtain a clear picture of how prevalent it is, and what percentage of men cheat.

When you are faced with having to deal with it, knowing the numbers does not make the pain go away any faster. The numbers do not excuse adultery, nor do they make it more palitable. Despite the limited usefulness of such numbers, people continue wanting to know what the numbers are concerning affairs.

One area that many people have not explored, yet does have ramifications is when an affair occurs. Affairs that occur in the midst of marriage trouble are vastly different than an affair that occurs at the end of a marriage or even after the decision was made to file for divorce.  Each of these require different approaches from situations where the affair occurred and ended years before it was found out. The handling of an ended affair calls for a different approach compared to one where the affair is currently underway. Then there is also how to handle an affair by one spouse after the other spouse likewise had an affair. Although as humans, we want a skeleton key, one size fits all type of answer to such situations, they do not exist.

What does exist is the ability to ask questions. Rather than repeating the “why?” mantra, questions like when did the affair occur?, how did the affair occur? or What do you want the affair to accomplish would provide more useful information and help you make better choices.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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My Daddy never taught me about that

July 6, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Most of the attention in dealing with affairs focuses on top signs that someone is cheating or a variation of that. The focus on catching and avoiding being caught seems to be the major amount of articles and websites on affair. Although that is where there is the highest amount of drama and excitement, it does little to help the couple actually deal with the affair and the needs of the spouses.

Since many of the ways we cope with crises come from our family of origin, the question arises as to “How should I deal with an affair?” Unless there was one in your family of origin or that of a close friend, you may not have the coping skills or knowledge needed to deal with an affair situation. Most parents spend more time focused on teaching their children how to drive a car than on how to deal with a major crisis like an affair. These are areas and situations that can be improved on.

How can parents teach their children to deal with affairs?

1. Through the values and beliefs promoted in the home.

2. Through the role modeling of how to deal with crises and conflicts in the home

3. Through the books and entertainment allowed in the home that provide stimulation and references in dealing with relationship issues.

4. Through the role modeling of what it means to be married, what it means to be a man or what it means to be a woman.

5. Through the family structure of how approachable or unapproachable parents and family members are.

These will provide you with some things to think about and work on in your life and the lives of your children.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

Love Addictions and Affairs

July 6, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Some affairs are the product of love addictions rather than poor decision making, immoral values, sexual addition, poor impulse control or other factors often found underlying affairs. In the case of love addiction-based affairs, the spouse afflicted is seeking stimulation. The need for “love stimulation” becomes the priority. The need for stimulation often over rides their marriage commitment or even family & friends. Those living with a love addict know that the addicts stimulation often means that they are neglected, physically, emotionally or in some other manner. The love addict often overlooks dangerous or unacceptable behaviors from their lover, just in order to stay ‘in the relationship’. This drive to stay in a relationship means that they will do anything to hang onto it. The hanging on means that they can not leave the relationship. Those afflicted with such addictions often stalk, control or manipulate others. There is often excessive calling or texting. Their lovers may complain of feeling smothered.  These individuals often also maintain compulsive contact with former partners or those they previously dated. They are often oblivious to consequences of their choices.

Love addictions, like other addictions is also life threatening and needs to be taken seriously. People may joke about ‘love addictions’ yet those afflicted know that the pain and the desperation are very real and very painful.

If you suspect your spouse has a love addiction, seek professional help. The behavior will not go away on its own. The behavior patters are ingrained and need attention from people who have experience in dealing with such situations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs, sexual addiction
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