Paul Simon’s song “50 ways to leave your lover” touched on a topic that pains many people. Leaving a lover is never easy.
Leaving a spouse is not so easy either. Affairs are often easier to start than they are to end. The beginning of one relationship means that another one will need to be left behind. In the case of affairs, there is one type of affair where the cheater uses the relationship to leave the marriage.
Rather than face their spouse in a responsible manner, they use the affair as part of their exit strategy. Such situations are termed “exit affairs”. In exit affairs, the cheater is counting on their spouse to terminate the marriage.
The threat of divorce has little to no effect on such cheaters in this type of affair. The reason is that divorce is what they want. Threatening someone with what they want is ineffective.
The threat of a divorce is their long term goal. Rather than face the problems in their marriage, they find it easier to set the stage for them to be thrown out.
In provoking the dissolution of your marriage, they are intentionally inflammatory. They say and do things they know will trigger you. They know that if you file for divorce, they avoid the negative reputation of being the one who initiated the divorce.
If you find yourself ‘losing it’ most of the time with them, you could be dealing with an exit affair. When their behavior is extreme and inflammatory you’re definitely dealing with an exit affair.
If you find that the cheater is acting like they are acting out a script and seem impervious to the possibility of losing a relationship, it could very well be that you are dealing with an exit affair also. With these situations, they avoid the risk of ‘being real’ by scripting out and rehearsing their words and actions.
The affair amounts to an act of indirect sabotage to the relationship. In such situations, the cheater uses each relationship as tools.
One of the problems with exit affairs is that they can leave you in a state of Affair Trauma. If you find yourself in that situation, you’ll want the video “Dealing With Affair Trauma” which leads you out of that ‘stuck’ frame of mind that comes with the trauma.
It could be what’s making you sick has more to do with the trauma than anything else.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
Hi. My husband says he was unhappy since I wrote this letter over a year ago how I was unhappy. I found out about his affair recently and he says he’s felt that way ever since the the letter. Even though after the letter we planned to have a baby and he’s now 9 months old. A couple months ago I found out about the affair and was angry and upset about everything. I instantly wanted a divorce. I really don’t and I just want my husband back but he wants a divorce. He signed a 3-month lease with this girl but hes about to leave for work and do training in another state. I was begging him and threatening him to come back but that obviously didn’t work. I completely have been just kind when he hits me up only about or son and I don’t text or call otherwise. I lost myself in the relationship and became bitter. this is a wake up call for me to get my shit together! hes very passive and hates confrontation and he had a rough year with getting injured and just a stressful time. I’m worried he’s going to take this other girl when he moves and leave my son and I behind. What do you think? It’s now May but he won’t be finalized until September. Is the relationship completely done? or could we reconcile?
D.
Your situation is filled with twists and hurts. In reading your comment, I felt my stomach twist up in pain. In terms of what I think, first, letters present dangers. They may be a way for you to express yourself, yet when they are read and re-read over and over, they have a way of hurting the reader again and again. Like stomping on their heart repeatedly, letters filled with hurt spread more hurt. Getting past that kind of hurt will require some RADICAL changes in how you and your husband do things.
The going back and forth on the divorce question makes the whole situation unstable. It is hard to build a relationship on such an unstable foundation. As long as you are going back and forth or it appears that you are going back and forth, there is no solid foundation to build a relationship on. He may view your wanting a divorce as a rejection of both him and the marriage. That will have to be neutralized in order to move forward.
So you will have to neutralize the divorce talk, and show a commitment to the marriage. He will test your commitment to see if he can believe you and what you say. At this point, the instability makes trust a risky gamble. You can’t build a solid relationship when the risks are too big. If he is all in, there is no assurance that you are. That will need to be fixed.
You need to make some radical changes in how you are doing things to improve the possibilities of reconciliation.