How to cope with a cheating spouse

If you think the consequences of cheating are intense and painful, consider how they are magnified in a small town. In small towns, people often know each others business, including who is sleeping with who. Typically, this is one of the factors that often keeps people from cheating. Problems often arise when someone from the ‘big city’ arrives with either a lot of money or prestige. The new arrival thinks that they are smart enough, clever enough or rich enough to be irresponsible and not get caught. Although those tactics work in the big cities, when affairs occur in a small town, there are fewer places to hide, and fewer places to go on dates to.  The fewer rendezvous points coupled with the talkativeness of small towns often creates a volatile atmosphere. The offended parties do know where you live, they go to the same schools, stores, post offices and churches. There is no escape from ones peccadilloes in a  small town.

Recovery from such an episode is often more painful, since one has to face the issues rather than run from them. Months or years after the event, there are often people who remember what happened, which means your reputation follows you around. That in some ways is a blessing in disguise, since the parties often feel the pressure to forgive more intensely as well. The best advice is don’t do it. If you have been involved, resolve the issues as quickly as possible, since the close encounters with your neighbors will worsen if it is not dealt with.

As an added issue, I have also observed that professionals in small communities often have a more difficult time with this than other groups. The professionals often assume that because they are a professional they can get away with it. When such situations occur in a small town, the bigger the person is, the harder they fall. Reputations suffer far more in a small town than in a large metropolitan area.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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A question that often bothers me in dealing with affairs is “Did I do everything I could do?”. This is a perplexing question in that you are dealing with a relationship, not capturing a wild animal. When you are dealing with an animal, techniques that focus on capturing and trapping are often used. In dealing with relationships, it is important to recognize that you are not dealing with a wild animal, nor are you dealing with a piece of property. Instead you are dealing with a fellow human being. In repairing the relationship, you are attempting to create an environment where there is caring, communication, respect and love. If you are forcing someone to be with you, you have a hostage, NOT a spouse. When you trap someone either physically, emotionally or financially, you are not dealing with someone who wants to be with you out of desire, but rather someone who can not function outside of that relationship.

There is a danger to trophy spouses, in that they are treated like property rather than as the person they are. In overcoming affairs it is important to recognize that you are dealing with a voluntary relationship. You can not demand that they have a ‘duty’ to service you and expect them then to want to be with you. A relationship is not about making demands or using guilt to motivate. A relationship that people remain in out of choice, not coercion. Keeping this in mind, when you consider doing everything that you could do to save one, there are limits as to what can be done. Consider whether or not you did everything you could to love your spouse and make them want to be with you, to make yourself lovable and desirable. If you have done all those things, you may need to add time to the mix. Time is important in the healing of relationships. Much like a broken bone needs time to heal, so do relationships.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

doing everything for the relationship, repairing relationships after an affair, repairing relationships after cheating, Understanding Affairs

One of the dangers of the ‘Playboy’ mentality is the demeaning it does of women. Women are no longer looked at as wives, but rather as playmates or pets. Those infected with the playboy mentality have new playthings to enjoy themselves each month. Such a mentality weakens marriages. Spouses are not viewed as equals, adults or even partners. They are viewed as less than partners. They are viewed as ‘toys’. With spouses viewed as toys, the other spouse not only plays with them, but also plays with their feelings. They do not take the relationship or the emotions serious. Since the wife is a toy, they are treated as a ‘toy’.

The toy is taken out and played with. After playtime, the toy is returned to the shelf until it is playtime again. Making a marriage work requires 24 hour effort. Putting aside one’s spouse on the shelf does not provide the foundation needed. When wives are viewed as playthings, if the husband tires of one toy, he selects another one without any guilt or remorse. The playboy mentality encourages irresponsibility without accountability. When one toy wears out, they merely select another one to feed their appetites. Some women have even gone along with it so far as to refer to themselves as “boy toys”. Time spent with other male companions is referred to as ‘play time’.

If you find yourself caught up in the playground mentality, this is a wake up call to take action. Marriage is for adults. Relationships are for adults. Granted, adults need some time to enjoy each other, and enjoy life. It is when the enjoyment has slipped into the playboy attitude when one party does not take the other seriously, when self-gratification is the main rule of the day, when women are treated as inferiors that a wake up call is needed.

As with all exploitative relationships, one party can not hold down the other, without it demeaning themselves as well. It is not the wife only who is devalued. The husband devalues himself in being a part of this mindset. Playing house is the game of the day rather than ‘being in relationship’ with someone you love.

Since affairs start in the heart and in the mind, addressing the attitude underlying affair/cheating is important. When the playboy mentality rules the day, it is only a matter of time before the devaluing begins.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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The therapist Carl Rogers is credited with many things. One of those is the importance of ‘unconditional love’. I think the PC term is “unconditional positive regard”.  He viewed this quality as essential to healthy relationships. In considering his ideas, it occurred to me that affairs are just the opposite. They are ‘conditional’ relationships. These relationships often have many strings attached. Even the ones that say “no strings” have strings (This reminds me of how my wife and I used to joke about how many wires are needed for wireless computer set ups). The strings (conditions) are always there, whether they are tangible or intangible. If you truly believe there are no strings, try returning to the way you were living prior to the affair and see if there are not some reactions. Granted the lover may hide their reactions from you. Rest assured that affairs are conditional relationships. Those conditions, like legal fine print are always part of the deal. Assuming that they do not exist is a self-deception. Some of those strings may be ‘time capsules’ where they come back later and say, “you owe me”, but rest assured they exist. Only foolish soldiers place traps out in the open where they are easily seen.

Given that the nature of affairs is that of conditional relationships, it follows that they will be unhealthy. Unhealthy for you and the lover. If unconditional love is needed for emotional health, then the conditional love in the affair relationship is one sure way to ruin your emotional, mental and psychological health.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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One of the leading anthropologist researchers made that observation that “language influences how we think”. In his studies of cultures, he found that there is more to language that just the sounds coming out of out mouths.  His observations also have applications concerning affairs and cheating. There will often be changes in thinking and language prior to an affair taking place. Many times, spouses either ignore or dismiss these changes in language. Had the spouses picked up on those changes, they could have prevented some major events.

In terms of changes to look for, it is necessary to listen carefully to what spouses say. Listen for changes in how they use ‘personal pronouns’. The pronouns to attend to are the ones used in referring to the couple. Where there was once frequent use of ‘we’ , ‘us’ and ‘ours’, the words and tense change to ‘yours’, ‘mine’, ‘she/he’, ‘hers’,  and ‘his’.

Listen for changes in references of love to past tense. Have they moved from loving you to loved you? Although these are subtle changes, they also reflect changes in thier thinking. Changes like these do not automatically mean that an affair will occur. They do indicate that change is underway in your spouse’s thinking. Such changes need to be checked out. Paying attention to such changes can give you an early warning to change underway rather than the spouse being the last to know.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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