How to cope with a cheating spouse

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One of the scars associated with affairs is that some people have been surrounded by unhealthy behavior for so long they do not recognize it. With a great deal of frequency I am asked “Is it normal when…..?” What follows is a description of some aberrant behavior. When spouses pose questions like that, they know that something is not right, although they can not quite put their finger on what it is.

Janie came in and asked is it normal that my husband hides his cell phone and conversations form me. I knew that there was more to her question, and proceeded to ask her to tell me more about the situation. Her husband Pat had been hiding the phone, the credit card statements and the bank statements from her. She did not feel right about it, but since Pat always reacted with such anger to her questions, she thought that she had done something wrong. Janie began doubting herself. She was terrified of Pat’s rages and was scared to let anyone know about them. She did not want to be seen as a ‘bad wife’ so she often kept such fears inside.

In Janie’s case, she began doubting her own feelings and initial reactions to the behavior. When Janie began talking about these items, she made some changes in how she dealt with Pat and how the marriage was working.

You can learn from Janie. When you suspect something is not right, be willing to talk, rather than give in to self-doubt. Fear silences many spouses and prevents the issues needed attention from being addressed.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and normality, affairs and self doubt, cheating and self doubt, Understanding Affairs

Affairs are often the most unfair thing that happens in a persons life. The same standards of behavior do not govern both spouses. In most cases I have seen, the man believes that he has a different standard of expected behavior than does the wife.

Jim had a long history of affairs while he was married. His frequent travels made it easy for him to have one night stands in many cities. Since he was charming, he was often able to persuade local women to enjoy his company. Although he knew what he was doing was not right, he attempted justifying it in terms of ‘human urges’ and since his wife did not know it would not hurt her. For years, he kept this secret side of his life hidden from his wife.

Things continued this way until Denise, his wife started developing a close relationship with another man over the computer. He was always willing to listen, while Jim was away. When Jim discovered the situation, he went into orbit. He raged about how could she do this to him. It did not matter that she did not have physical relations, the mere fact that she talked with another man was a threat to him. He even began invoking religious references to condemn his wife’s actions, which only made her guilt worse.

Situations like Jim and Denise are common.  In order to sort through things, many issues will need to be sorted out and discussed. Situations like this are not fair, not right and not honest.

Honesty was dead long before the spirit of the marriage was.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

double standards with affairs, double standards with cheating, Understanding Affairs

One of the weird aspects of affairs is what I call the “Tamar Effect”.

A story which illustrates this is that of “Wes” and “Charlotte”. Wes had been married. When he met Charlotte, he had to be with her. The intensity of their relationship grew to the point that Charlotte finally  gave into to his advances. Wes claimed that his feelings toward Charlotte would never change and that he loved her. Charlotte chose to enter a relationship with Wes. Soon after they were married, Wes distanced himself from Charlotte. Charlotte wondered what happened. She wondered if she was doing something wrong. Wes seemed more interested in his job and hobbies than in Charlotte.

Finally things came to a head during an argument between Wes and Charlotte. In an angry moment, Wes called Charlotte a “whore” and a “slut”. She was taken aback at his words. How could he say he ‘loves’ me and now he calls me such a name? She sincerely believed him and is now blown away at his statements.   “He told me he loved me, how could he call me a ‘slut’?”

This is what I call the Tamar effect. It occurs when one party is passionate up to the point of consummating the relationship. Upon consummating the relationship, the feelings change and now the passions turn negative. From intense desire, it changes to intense revulsion.

The situation faced by Wes and Charlotte is common, too common with affairs. This is frequent with affairs. Such situations are ugly and painful. The best way out of such situations is to avoid them.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating and revulsion, passion and affairs, revulsion and affairs, Tamar, Understanding Affairs

Although to outsiders, continuing in self-destructive behavior patters is unhealthy, when you are the one caught up in such behaviors, they are not so easy to see. When they are seen, they are often not easy to emotionally leave. Breaking through the denial about such behavior takes work. Working up the courage to take action rather than just admit the truth of the situation to yourself is a challenge.

What are some self-destructive behaviors?

1. Allowing your spouse to steal from you.

2. Allowing your spouse to physically abuse you.

3. Allowing your spouse to emotionally abuse you.

4. Allowing your spouse to exploit you.

5. Allowing your spouse to treat you like a sexual object.

6. Your spouse keeps you held captive at home.

7. Your spouse ridicules you in front of others

8. Your spouse forces you to have non-consensual sex

9. Your spouse treats you as ‘inferior’ to them.

10. Blaming yourself for your spouse’s out of control behaviors.

11. Cutting on yourself or forcing yourself to regurgitate.

In the aftermath of affairs, some spouses are so desperate to keep their wandering spouse, they allow themselves to tolerate and put up with abusive behaviors. When in an emotionally trying situation, decisions are often made on the basis of desperation, rather than what is healthy. Restoring your marriage does not mean you have to accept self-destructive situations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

abuse and affairs, cheating and self destruction, self destruction and affairs, Understanding Affairs

Carol found herself terrified of being abandoned. The very thought of her husband leaving her shook her to her core. She could not imagine him leaving her. She needed him and panicked whenever she thought that he might leave her. She hated the feelings of panic. They made her feel weak. Even when she tried to appear strong on the outside, she was trembling on the inside at even the potential of him leaving her.

Even with the intensity of her fears, she also felt desperate concerning her marriage. She needed someone to talk to her and give her attention. When someone came along who gave her that attention, it was like a whole new world opened up to her. She loved the attention. Even with the excitement of a new relationship, she found herself torn between those fears of abandonment and the desperation she felt about her emotional needs. She did not want to have an affair, and at the same time, she can’t picture being without her husband. Being torn between those extremes was tearing Carol apart.

Some affairs are driven by strong feelings of fear and desperation. There are real hurts that need real answers.  Carol needed answers to help her understand how to heal her marriage and how to heal herself.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

abandonment and affairs, fear of abandonment, feelings of desperation, Understanding Affairs

Lies are part of the lifeblood of affairs. At first the excitement of lust energizes the affair. Shortly after the lust, then the excitement of the ‘cover-up’, sneakiness and lies keep the adrenalin flowing and the relationship exciting. Although the cheater often dismisses their lies as ‘well-intentioned’, those who are on the receiving end look at them differently. The adulterer looks at their own intentions and motivations, while the spouse looks at the wrongness of the lie. The cheater may even use terms like “white lies” and “black lies” to distinguish between those told with good intentions and those told with intentions to deceive.

The cheater often displays the “deer in the headlight” look when they are called a “Liar!” by their spouse. They do not want to be exposed. They are blown away and can not understand how their spouse could feel that way. They see themselves as well-intentioned and giving of all that was expected of them. It is almost as if they expect that their past behaviors will make up for and cancel out the infidelity. While they are maintaining a emotional accounting sheet of their intentions and past good acts, the spurned spouse looks at the lies.

One of the big problems with lies and liars in general is that it is never clear how much they have lied. When you can not trust them in one area, the spurned spouse wonders if they can trust them in other areas. Lying often has a way of not staying within  the limits of a particular area. Lying, like other bad habits, often grows and increases over time. The liars often lie with greater frequency and the lies they tell have larger distortions or denials. The liars often say they have been “misunderstood” or “misrepresented”. They struggle with the idea of admitting that they lied.

When a lie is exceptionally large or the pattern of lies has occurred over a long period of time, the labels of ‘damned lies’ and ‘damned liar’ are used in referring to the prevaricating spouse. When the word ‘damned’ is added, in some cases, it wakes the spouse up to what is going on. Although some spouses wake up and change their ways, there are many who continue with their habit of lying. Since they ‘did not want to hurt anybody’ and ‘they want to avoid conflict/bickering’ they sincerely believe they have done no wrong. The damned liars have often lied so often and their lies have been so large, they are immune to any guilt or remorse over their actions.  They continue seeing their intention as ‘holy’ and honorable. Such people often feel incensed and insulted when they are called a ‘damned liar’. Rather than acknowledging the distortions that have occurred, they feel affronted that someone would besmirch their character (it is not really character, they are hurt that their motives were in question) and react accordingly.

Another angle on liars is the “bald faced lie” and the “bald faced liar”. These terms are often used when the lie being told was so blatant, that there was no mistaking it for anything else. When such lies are repeated over time, the person is known as a ‘bald faced liar’. Since there is little hair hiding facial aspects with a bald face, the bald face liar is someone who has nothing to hide behind with their lies.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating and affairs, cheating and lying, damned lies, liars, Understanding Affairs