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Trauma and affairs

October 30, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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When people have suffered traumas, especially sexual traumas, there are some potential risks regarding affairs. Depending on the intensity of the trauma, they may find themselves unable to say “no” or set firm boundaries in response to predators. In such cases, they often want to say no, yet the conditioning associated with the trauma make the action difficult. In such cases, they are like the proverbial ‘sitting ducks’ to sexual predators.

Those who have not been traumatized do not fully comprehend the struggle involved in such circumstances. They often want to yell and scream “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY NO?” or “WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP THEM?”. Spouses quickly want to find who is to blame rather than focus on understanding the needs of their spouse and how such episodes set off triggers where past and present episodes blur.

If you find yourself faced with such a situation, you will need the help of a professional who has experience in dealing with such cases. The typical game of “pin the blame” on the cheater does not apply in this situation like it does in others. Many of the usual rules do not apply. In such situations the dynamics amount to a whole new set of ground rules or another dimension with the associated paradigm shift.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

“What are you here for?”

October 28, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Gary and Jennifer were having problems. A discovered affair now has their marriage in a precarious place. Over the years they drifted apart and now they were face to face with their worst fears. in response, they decided to see a counselor. After the initial introductions, the counselor posed the question “What are you here for?”.  In response, they told the counselor to ‘work on the marriage’. The counselor sat back and posed the question again with persistence. This time, the counselor added, “Are you here for marriage counseling or divorce counseling?”. As the reality of the question sank in, they sat there like deer in the headlights. They had never really thought this one through. The questioned stunned them into considering what they were actually asking the counselor to do with them. They wanted out of the pain, but had never considered about life after the pain. They were now faced with having to be honest with themselves about “What are you here for?” and it scared them.

You may want to consider the question even now. Once you decide what you are ‘here’ for, then you need to consider are you willing to do what it takes?

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship

Halloween Love

October 27, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

The time of year associated with Halloween is connected with threats and tricks. The public often visit haunted houses and events that produce sensations of fear or surprise. There are times that those frightened scream and run off.  Fear, fright, and surprise are part of the package that goes with Halloween. Sadly, there are some couples and families who live those experiences day in and day out. Threats and fear are used to ‘keep people in line’ and maintain order in the family. In such families, love is a frightening thing. To trust is to make oneself vulnerable to guaranteed hurts or exploitation.

In such families, the fear often produces effects beyond what was expected. Rather than scaring the person into staying ‘in relationship’, it can have the opposite effect. The fear can drive them to seek comfort and love in the arms of another. In such families, the threat of divorce or physical hurt are common. After a while the threats loose their effectiveness. The terrorist then resorts to threatening them with community embarrassment or eternal damnation if they do not submit to their fearful ways. When fear dominates the relationship, there is often no room for love. What love survives, is often choked out by the repeated tantrums and threats. Each threat or scream crushes the love in the relationship a little bit more, until one day, there is nothing left. These relationships I call “Halloween Love”, since fear has been substituted for love and terror substituted for affection.

This Halloween shouldn’t you re-evaluate your relationship and remove any Halloween Love?

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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What’s in a name?

October 26, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Politicians and business hucksters have a knack for ‘relabeling’ and renaming items that have negative associations. Much like the Speaker of the House is renaming the ‘public option’ to the ‘competitive option’ in order to make it more palatable, the same kind of ‘renaming’ game is going in in Malaysia with the ‘polygamy club’. The club purports to want to improve the lives of women and make polygamy more acceptable. Here in Texas we used to call such clubs, “meat markets”.  Other terms include ‘slut hut’ , bordellos, cathouse, or a knocking -shop. Granted names like this would make the operation look disreputable.  These days, one has to be alert to the ‘name games’ often played. A ‘gentleman’s club’ is filled with anything but gentlemen in the classic sense of the word. These places know that. In the Houston area, there was once notable men’s club who were known for having a selection of various charge plates used to prevent bosses and wives from identifying where their husband or employees actually spent their time.

If you suspect that your spouse is fooling around, be aware of the name game and how it is often used to hide the true nature of what is going on.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs in the News

Are you treacherous with your spouse?

October 25, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In previous centuries, couples were careful to avoid treachery against their spouse. Words like treachery and treason carried with them a stain to the honor and reputation of anyone who had been called such names.  In colonial America, being associated with treason or treachery was a major concern. In previous generations, the very thought of dealing treacherously against ones spouse was a serious matter.

Just what is”treachery?” Treachery is another word for ‘cheating’ or tricking. It was viewed as a violation of a allegiance or faith. It is a sad statement that many spouses honor their allegiance to the flag and nation more than they honor the allegiance they promised to their spouses.

How does one violate their faith? There are many ways.

1. Giving someone else your affections either emotional or physical).

2. Giving someone else your full attention.

3. Hiding secrets from your spouse

4. Making promises to others ahead of your spouse.

5. Treating your spouse like a child

6. Lying to your spouse

7. Hiding objects or things from your spouse.

8. Not defending yourself from the advances of others.

9. Not valuing your spouses trust.

10. Living your life as if you were single or assuming that it is “your life” and they have nothing to do with it. (e.g. living faithlessly)

11. Telling your spouses secrets to others.

These are just a few of the ways one can be treacherous with their spouse. Although the term treachery is not in common use these days, there are many things we can learn from it. In order to save, preserve or restore your marriage, it is essential that you do not deal treacherously with your spouse.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: History of Affairs

Are you suffocating your spouse?

October 23, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

When couples begin working on their relationship, one of the potential dangers is that of suffocation. By suffocation, I am referring to emotional suffocation. Although the intentions may be honorable, the act of suffocation is always dangerous to relationships. Although there are times those doing the suffocating do not realize what they are doing, there are cases where they do realize what they are doing, although they do not realize how damaging it is.

The suffocation occurs more often than people realize in relationships where there have been affairs. Such couples often go from one extreme to another. They go from ignoring their spouse, to the other extreme of being obsessed with them, to the point of suffocation. Both extremes are dangerous.

In your efforts at reconnecting with your spouse, you may be suffocating them. Some of the signs of emotional suffocation include:

1. Your spouse makes frequent references to ‘needing their space’.

2. You feel that you must always be physically near your spouse out of a fear of loosing them.

3.  You consistently send text messages to them throughout the day, day after day.

4. You are in danger of trouble at work due to being on the phone or cell phone with them all the time.

5. You never let your spouse call you or initiate contact with you.

6. You feel that you must know where your spouse is at all times, along with who they are with.

7. You find yourself doing things out of ‘fear’ rather than out of love.

8. When you can’t reach your spouse you call five or more of their friends or family members in an attempt to reach your spouse on a routine basis.

9. You drive by your spouses work place or residence several times a day.

10. You think in terms of he/she MUST do this because they are my spouse.

If you find yourself routinely doing several of these items, there may be some suffocation going on. You need to find a healthy amount of space in the relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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The importance of small talk

October 22, 2009 By Jeff Murrah 1 Comment

Intimacy is more that an activity that goes on in the bedroom. Establishing closeness with your spouse is often a challenge, especially after an affair (by either you or them). When working with couples that are attempting to heal their relationship, one of the stumbling blocks to overcome is simple, basic, communication. many times couples grow complacent with each other and no longer share how their day went. They often think that their spouse will find such talk boring and of little or no interest. It rarely fails that they make this assumption based on their own thinking rather than something their spouse has told them.

Good communication will start with small talk. Small talk is often how people begin testing the water before moving on to larger items. When couples fail to have small talk or interrupt each other even in little things, such actions send a message that discussing more sensitive issues would be a mistake. The interaction between the two is not safe. When things are not safe, people shut down.

In working to repair your marriage learn how to take turns and improve your ability to engage in small talk. You will be surprised at where the small talk often leads. It was often small talk that led to the affair in the first place.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Stalkers and affairs

October 21, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Jennifer refused the advances of a married man who approached her. He was persistent in his advances, but she remained firm and said “NO”. After the incident, she occasionally saw the man. She tried to be decent with him, but he always managed to twist matters. he often stared at her, which made her feel uncomfortable. As Jennifer put it, “He creeped me out!”

Jennifer then began to avoid him. He began stalking her by getting to know her friends, making malicious posts on social network sites and generally making her look like a slut. He often drove by her work place and home, he seemed to be everywhere.

Jennifer wanted him to go away, but did not want to draw any more attention to the situation. She felt trapped by him and his behavior.

Jennifer needed to say no. Do not return his text messages, do not return his e-mails, do not give him rides, do not go someplace and talk, … do not provide any openings for such people.

Situations like Jennifer’s happen quite often. Dealing with such situations requires strength and determination. It also requires firm boundaries. Although it was good of our parents to teach us to play nice, there are times, that one has to be firm, like this situation.  Some women just give into the threats hoping that it will shut the man up and make him leave them alone. It does not happen like that. Giving into them often emboldens them to be even more daring.

Dealing with stalkers is never easy, especially when they involve affair situations. In those situations, setting firm boundaries is essential.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Reducing the Risk

Pain and Hope

October 20, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

One of the areas that surprised me in working with couples are the STRONG reactions I often encounter when addressing preventative measures. In my logic, knowing what steps to take in order to prevent affairs should be common sense and be welcomed, they are often the most emotionally charged items. It seems that addressing areas that would improve the strength of the marriage are deemed ‘controversial’ because I have to take stands and make recommendations for or in some cases against some relationship situations.

When the crisis of an affair occurs, then they are willing to address those very same issues, although dealing with them after the crisis is always more challenging than dealing with them before the crisis. When the crisis is in full swing, couples are finally willing to address those painful items that they avoided before. It seems that the pain of the affair outweighs the pain of ‘controversial’ items.

Some couples see early warning signs and take action before major damage has occurred. Although some do this, the majority ignore the early warning signs and continue full speed into the crisis.  Some of those who continued full speed seem to thrive on crises. With those couples, they often go from crisis to crisis, only changing the players but never the patterns. Other couples use the crisis as a wake-up call to save their marriage. Although I would like to help them all, some relationships have inflicted more damage than can be imagined. I have seen some marriages that looked hopeful, but somehow could not pull it together. I have seen others that seem beyond hope, yet the two spouses manage to pull together and salvage their relationship in ways I had never imagined.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Reducing the Risk, Understanding Affairs

What is your heart fixed to?

October 19, 2009 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In going through a book of poetry, I found reference to a person’s heart being ‘fixed’ to something. On doing some research on the term, it refers to the object of one’s affection. It is a reference to the foundation on which one’s heart is attached. I realized quickly that this does have a bearing on affairs and recovery from them. A hurt spouse will sense whether or not your heart is firmly attached to them and to the relationship. When the heart is attached to one’s personal peace or ‘peace of mind’, the spouse senses that and oftentimes reacts. They will sense when apologizes are aimed at ‘keeping the peace’ rather than those focused on resolving the issues.

In order to resolve the issues, you heart will need to be fixed on them and seeing the situation from their perspective. You will trying to understand what they are telling you. When the majority of your time is spent either defending your position, ‘correcting’ your spouse or pointing out their faults, your heart is NOT fixed on them or the relationship. In such situations, your heart is focused on you.

It is important that before any reconciliation take place, that your heart be fixed on them.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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