How to cope with a cheating spouse

Although the question “What’s so bad about sleeping around?” is viewed as a “duh?” type of question in some parts of the county, I recognize that there are many people who actually do not see problems with the practice. There are also some spouses that are caught up in swinging to the point they see it as acceptable. There are some parts of the country that view a counselor working to save marriages from affairs as a novelty. So for the sake of those people, I will spell out the answer to this question.

Affairs (sleeping around) are destructive to marriages. Contrary to the advice of Ashely Madison and others, they do not enhance the marriage.

1. It creates an environment of distrust.

2. It creates potential exposure to disease.

3. It creates emotional confusion.

4. It weakens the bonds of the marriage relationship.

5. It weakens the bonds of the parent-child relationship.

6. It creates spiritual and emotional dissonance.

7. It damages reputations.

8. It creates an environment conducive to lying.

9. It creates a massive double standard in many areas of the persons life.

10. It creates exposure to blackmail.

11. It creates unnatural bonding and emotional attachments.

12.  It is financially expensive

13. It enlarges legal exposure.

14. It lends itself to creating an atmosphere of gratification without responsibility.

15. It is often life threatening.

These are some of the major concerns involved in what is so bad about sleeping around. You can do something about it though. Obtain a copy of the Affair Recovery System and begin the process of healing your marriage. Each day you do not heal or strengthen your marriage, you weaken it.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

recovery from an affair, recovery from cheating, recovery from swinging, swingers, Understanding Affairs

When in the midst of an affair, those involved often excuse their behavior. They use any report, claim, suggestion or advice they find to support their actions. During this time, they play up their happiness, even going so far as to say they have a right to be happy. If they were honest, it would be they are determined to have sex with whomever they please. They often idealize the relationship, and at the same time demonize their present marriage. Somehow they believe if they make their present marriage look bad, it will somehow make the affair acceptable.

If you ask them, they will tell you that yes, an affair is a good thing. If you ask the spouse or the children, they will often tell you otherwise. Affairs have long tails. The impact of the decision to have an affair often stretches across years, decades and generations. The mention of an affair besmirches the reputation. The rejection and betrayal involved often shape how that generation is viewed and evaluated. In the future, they will not say, He/She deserved some happiness, or that they made the right decision. No, their reputation will be stained. Those involved with affairs rarely consider the future and the long term impact of their choices. The only choice that often matters to them are “Who they are with tonight?”.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

cheating, excusing affairs, good affairs, infidelity, Understanding Affairs

Recently I was asked whether married women have affairs. The answer is yes, some do have affairs. The questioner also wanted to know “What percentage of married women have affairs?”.  This is a difficult question to provide a concrete answer to. The studies that have been done have reported a wide range of answers. In looking at those studies, the number of people involved was not large enough for me to put much faith in any of their findings.

What I do know is that some do have affairs. The numbers do seem to be increasing, yet not as quickly as for the husbands. The number of married women who admit to issues related to sexual addictions is also increasing. The numbers concerning sexual addiction also seems to be cutting across value and belief systems as well. These are trends that concern me and should concern every couple around the world. Even though the values of your nation or religion may have serious penalties for infidelity, it does not mean that such behavior does not occur or that sexual addictions are not present.

In my work with couples, there are also the usual issues of “What do you consider an affair?” Although some people draw the line at coitus, others draw the line at sexual stimulation, and some draw the line at emotional involvement with people.

There is also the issue of swingers and open marriages. When a person does not believe an affair is wrong, should it be considered an “affair?” Some wives are under the dominion of their spouses to the degree that they do not have the freedom to discuss affairs of either their husband or themselves.

Although affairs do happen with married women, we do not know the full numbers of the phenomena. There are still many emotional issues associated with even discussing affairs and coming to an agreement about what constitutes and affair. What is clear is that ignoring the issue will not make it go away. If you suspect an affair or know of one, there is help. The Affair Recovery System will provide you with information and direction concerning how to deal with the situation. You may also want to call a marriage counselor to address the issue. If there are none available in your area or none you feel comfortable with consider telephone counseling as an option to address the issues present in your marriage. Married women do have affairs and you can take steps to help the situation.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

infidelity and counseling, marriage counseling, married women and affairs, open marriages, swingers and affairs, Understanding Affairs

In dealing with the traumatic damage often inflicted by affairs, spouses often have to face the question “What is my marriage worth?”. Put another way, “What is my spouse worth?”.  Although those struggling with the affair may put off facing the question, sooner or later, it must be answered. If not answered at the time of the affair, it is often answered in family law courts when a judge makes and arbitrary decision concerning what your marriage is worth. When the judge makes the decision, it is often too late to make any changes or modifications.

Although some couples allow the judge or lawyers to decide the question by default, it is when you are suddenly faced with an affair, that the amount is more affordable. Taking action such as purchasing the “Affair Recovery System” or attending counseling is a way to repair the relationship, before the alienation and distancing become permanent. Often times the cost of helpful resources and or counseling along with the time involved are more affordable than divorce court. The longer one waits to intervene, the larger the alienation grows and the more expensive any solution will be.

If you are faced with an affair, it is time you considered, “What is your marriage worth?”.  The next question to consider is “When are you going to do something about it?”. These two questions will make a difference between restoration or divorce.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Understanding Affairs

When a young child turns to their parent and with tear filled eyes asks “Why did mommy leave us?” it leaves parents stunned.  Although affairs hurt the spouses, the damage it inflicts on families and children often last longer than many parents can imagine. Being abandoned by a parent leaves scars. It hurts even worse in that the child trusts the parent. They often depend on that parent for protection, love, encouragement and nurturing. One of the people they fully trust now shows that they are not trust-worthy. The parent betrays the trust of the child, along with the trust of the spouse. Although the child may forgive the parent, the pain of betrayal often lingers, making it difficult to trust others in the future. The child may also build a wall around their heart surrounded by barbed wire in order to keep out those who could hurt them.

Betrayal by family members often hurts deeper and lasts longer than other betrayals. It hurts worse in that these are people who know you. These are people you depend upon. These are the people you look to for direction. Instead of providing direction, they provide disappointment and  betrayal. Rather than just stumbling through such crises, consider “The Affair Recovery System” or other resources to help the family through the situation rather than counting on the hurt bandaging the wounds and tending the scars of the other wounded.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Best Regards

cheating and family betrayal, family betrayal of affairs, infidelity, Understanding Affairs

Obsessions and affairs often found in each others company. It is common for a spouse to obsesses and fantasize about an affair prior to one happening. In many cases, they have to obsess as a way to work up the nerve to initiate the affair. In those cases, there is a discomfort about the affair and hence the need to work up their nerve. In some ways it operates like a selfish role play. Eventually after several obsessive episodes, they see the opportunity and initiate the affair.

Obsession does stop once the affair occurs. While the affair is ongoing, the obsessions focus on the object of the thoughts. In many cases, the obsessive fantasy drives them deeper into the relationship. What may have been a one night stand has turned into something more engulfing. Those who are the objects of the obsessions may initially mistake the obsessive behavior as someone who is just enamored with them. It is a mistake to think that the attention being given them is love. Obsession is about control, not love. The obsessive driven relationship is often one where those involved report feeling crowded, smothered or overwhelmed. The obsessive behavior can easily turn into stalking, whether by phone, computer or actual drive by’s.

The obsession driven relationship often has disastrous consequences. Even when relationships are supposed to be over, the obsessive does everything in their power to keep them alive. They hold onto what is gone in a ghoulish fashion, hoping that the dead relationship comes back to life. In many ways, the obsessions may have stifled the relationship or killed it outright. The fears of loosing the relationship often leads them to take actions that push the desired relationship further away from them.

If you find your self either in the role of the person suffering from the obsession or the object of the obsession, you may need professional help in severing the relationship or accepting the severing that has already occurred. Accepting the reality of “what is” is often hard for obsessives.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

obsessions and affairs, obsessions and cheating, obsessive adultery, obsessive behavior and affairs, Understanding Affairs