Dealing with a cheating spouse?

September 3, 2010

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Who are they having the affair with?

February 22, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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One of the weird things that I have encountered with affairs is the strong similarities between the infidels spouse and the lover. Although they may deny it, the choice in lover often reveals hidden needs. When the lover look like the spouse, though perhaps a younger, sexier version, the choice indicates that they really do love their spouse, although they have trouble loving the present day version of the spouse. Making close observations of the lover can tell you more than you ever imagined, when you know what to look for.  Most of the time, the spouse reacts strongly to the lover out of an “it’s not me!” mentality, even though on closer observation, it is a version of ‘me’. Spouses often have to ask someone close to them to make observations, since they are too close to see such similarities.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

Affairs and Torn Loyalties

February 19, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In dealing with affairs, I often encounter those who insist that their swapping and polyamorous lifestyles are healthy and ‘natural’. They espouse the reasons for their positions, and justify their choices. Although the discussions are often lively, when they get honest, those lifestyles are often filled with confusion, torn loyalties, emotional binges, and insecurities. The emotional price tag for such choices has many large costs that are often hidden from the public. The simple truth is that ‘infidelity is infidelity’ pure and simple. No matter how it is packaged and relabeled, one cannot escape the consequences of such choices. The insecurity, emotional turmoil, torn loyalties risk of health issues and lies that go with such choices can not be escaped. The jealous and angry reactions still arise when spouses devote time and attention to others despite all the claims about the ‘openness’ of the relationship. The wild party eventually comes to an end and someone has to clean up and live with the messes it produces.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

Is there any hope?

February 17, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Many couples wait until the damage is massive before they decide to work on their marriage. After the spirit of oneness and tenderness is destroyed, they wonder if they can ever get that back. They delay taking action until the pain reaches a level which they can no longer tolerate. The time to take action is when there is distance in the relationship, not when the pain becomes unbearable. The choice of using pain as their barometer of action rather than distance in their relationship is a fatal one. It is important in responding to the issues to respond when there are changes in the distance rather than after people take action like an affair to make that distance permanent.

Typically when people ask “Is there any hope?”, they have waited until the pain is intense and unbearable. They are wanting a magic cure that will ‘zap’ their marriage back to the earlier days. Deciding to wait until the pain became unbearable is part of the problem that got them to where they are at. Rather than asking such questions, they need to be at work correcting how they relate to their spouse.

Rather than ask the question-TAKE ACTION! Do something to improve your marriage now!

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship

When stalkers turn violent

February 16, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

One of the potential dangers with affairs is that of stalkers. There are many people who are pleasant enough on the outside, yet once their passions are stimulated become a monster. The monster may be the lover, spouse of a lover, or a wandering spouse. What starts as an obsession soon escalates to controlling. The controlling escalates to stalking. They believe that they must have you, know where you are and who you are talking to. When questioned, they will profess love, caring and protection, even though you know it as smothering and controlling. When left unchecked, the stalking can escalate to violence. The violence may be directed against you, your property, your family, or something important to you.

When faced with such situations, what do you do?

1. Leave the situation. If you can’t leave, begin setting firm boundaries.

2. Create an island of safety. This may be a room, a place you visit or a friends. You will need a place to gather your thoughts. Since they often say things that create confusion, you will need a place to sort things out.

3. Pray.

4. Begin making choices to take care of yourself, rather than avoid irritating the stalker.

There are more steps to take. These will start you on your way to freedom.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

Google Buzz: Friend or Foe?

February 15, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Google has introduced another product that is sure to impact relationships. Google Buzz (which is their social network service) allows people to snoop on private gmail accounts by seeing who people write to the most. The service launched on February 9, yet its release was surrounded by controversy. Buzz connects you automatically with anyone who you have sent gmail to. Any secret or anonymous messages are no longer hidden from prying eyes. People will know who you wrote to and how often. The initial version allowed people to automatically follow and connect without being asked. Google has since made some adjustments to allow for more privacy. The service immediately had massive traffic, and many prying eyes looking into others affairs.

For the suspicious spouse, the service if a boon. For those hiding affairs or desiring discreet communication, the service is a MAJOR threat. Bear in mind that Google’s CEO, considers privacy an evil thing. (“If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.“). This attitude is potentially dangerous. If you are hiding from a jealous spouse or a stalking spouse,  or rapist these threats to privacy are a threat to your security as well. If you are secretly preparing to leave a dangerous person, you will not be able to as easily as in previous years.

Google Buzz is a powerful, yet dangerous tool. It can hurt those who use it in ways they may have never imagined. Knowing of its existence and potential dangers is important in dealing with the many issues associated with affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Filed Under: Reducing the Risk, Resources

The Wrong Questions

February 15, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

When an affair is suspected or found out, many couples ask the wrong questions. Rather than asking “What can I do to save my marriage?” , “What will save my marriage?” or “What is my marriage worth?” they instead quibble about “What does a counselor cost?”, “What does a private eye cost?” or “How much does a divorce attorney cost?”. By asking the wrong questions, they find misleading and distracting answers and little is done for the marriage. Couples often spend more on their cars than on improving their marriage. The relationship with the person who you pledged your life to share together receives less attention than the brand names of the clothes in the closet or the quality of automobile in the garage. Such poor choices go back to the poor questions that are being asked.

If your marriage is in trouble-you need to do something NOW. If you suspect that your spouse is having an affair, you need to do something NOW! If your spouse is distant from you, something needs to be done NOW! When the air conditioner or heater breaks, service is often called immediately, since your physical comfort or health is at risk. When your emotional/relational health is at risk, or breaks, and your physical health is endanger (from stress), rather than taking action, people delay. They dicker over price, convenience, or deny that any problems exists, when they need to be taking action. They show less alarm over a broken relationship than they do over a broken car or air conditioner.

Part of the reason for the wrong questions, besides denial goes back to misplaced priorities. When the priorities are misplaced, the relationship choices will also be distorted and warped by those priorities.

Part of getting the relationship back, will be having the right priorities in your life. “To love honor and cherish until death do us part” are not meaningless words unless you make them that way.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship

Keeping your head on straight

February 12, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In the aftermath of an affair, it is common to experience self-doubt. After the shock of the news hits you, the world is suddenly different. You may wonder about what is ‘really’ true’ and what else is a lie. There is an unreal sense of everything around you. You may even find yourself questioning your own judgments and perceptions. The world that you were once able to make sense out of is now ‘unknowable’.

Such reactions are common. Your emotions may be running hot and cold. When you talk to your spouse, they may say and do things that leave you questioning your own sanity. What you once knew for sure, there are now many doubts about. What you thought you knew about your spouse, your life and your marriage are now all suddenly in confusion.  During such times, it will be important to take life one day at a time. Rather than trying to make sense of tomorrow or next week, you will be better off making sense of today and making it through the day.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

Gentlemen’s Clubs

February 11, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

One of the misnomers in society is “gentleman’s clubs”. Such establishments are not oriented toward traditional gentlemen (one having manners, morals and good character) by any means. The atmosphere is often filled with activity which masks the loneliness that many patrons are seeking to overcome.

The environment is one that encourages gratification of sensual desires. The temptations present are often beyond what many men and some women can resist. The whole environment is designed to arouse and stimulate. Even the ‘fancier’ clubs, with the brass fixtures make it look like a reputable place, yet the damage done to marriages in such places is often staggering. The stimulation encourages people to be aroused by sexuality rather than by enjoying their spouse’s company. Such clubs often damage the spirit of the marriage, even when people are not aware of what they have done.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Filed Under: Reducing the Risk

He’s cute!

February 10, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Many times the definition of cute changes under the influence of alcohol. People that were considered ‘cute’ have a way of changing. With the consumption of alcohol, the meaning of ‘cute’ changes into “I’ld be willing to sleep with him/her”. Alcohol and drugs have a way of changing perception and lowering inhibitions. Although it may not be fun saying no to that additional drink, the pain and poor judgment that comes with it may make it the most expensive drink that you have ever consumed.

Although many people enter a bar or tavern without any intention of infidelity, under the influence of alcohol, the situation changes. Although there are jokes about ‘beer goggles’, and how attractiveness changes toward closing time, the clarity of judgment also changes. If you are a person whose inhibitions drop with alcohol, consider avoiding or minimizing the likelihood that you put yourself in a compromising situation.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Relational consequences of affairs

February 9, 2010 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Knowing the price tag of an item before one purchases it often helps in determining whether or not one is obtaining a ‘good deal’.  There are even groups like Consumer Reports and Underwriters Laboratories which provide information to consumers to help them make good choices. Although these services are available for products, there are no such services for the relational consequences of affairs. There is no sticker on the window to let you know the full price of that ‘must have’ affair.  The price of an affair is never cheap, no matter where you shop.

Among the relational consequences of affairs (which is part of the total price) are: emotional distancing, distrust, loss of reputation, guilt, desire for revenge, insecurity, and loss of self-respect. These consequences occur in the spouse to spouse relationship along with the relationship between the cheater and their children.  There may also be some alienation in the relationship between the cheater and their parents as a result of the affair.  Having a lover with a good personality, plenty of money or attractiveness may take some of the pain out of the situation, but there is no way to cheat your way out of the consequences. You just happen to have someone to go through the pain of those consequences with you. In some cases, they resent having to go through such experiences. They may be supportive, yet even that relationship will not go unscathed in the aftermath of an affair.

When the relationships become alienated, there are higher risks that other issues may develop. Resentments and grudges may develop in such an atmosphere of alienation. Alienated relationship are the breeding grounds of many problems. Remember that no one makes accusations of Parental Alienation Syndrome when the relationships are healthy. It is when there is alienation, distance, anger and avoidance that such accusations occur.

What makes it worse is that the pain does not end when the divorce is final. The pain continues well beyond any court settlements. The courts do not settle emotional and relationship issues, they only address the legal relationships.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey D. Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children, Parent Alienation Syndrome, Understanding Affairs
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