How to cope with a cheating spouse

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I was struck by a question posed at a site I frequent. The question was asked, “What is the worst kind of cheating?”. The simple answer is the one that happens to you. Since sex is such a personal matter, when a spouse is sexually unfaithful, it is often taken as a personal attack.

There are many types of cheating which I have encountered. Each type of cheating has its own horror and pain associated with it. There are situations of forced cheating/sex and its cousin, blackmail cheating. There is cheating done under religious pretenses, so that God can be invoked and people do not speak out for fear of eternal damnation. There is the horror of cheating with a family member, which stirs up issues on many levels. The story of Oedipus only begins to scratch the horror and pain associated with familiar cheating.

A particularly painful form of cheating is cheating with the neighbor. The pain grows in proportion to how close the neighbor lives to the cheater. There are the illicit cheating situations where the cheating occurs with someone who is under age. There are the power play cheaters, who use their professional role as a way to exploit people (teachers, police officers, etc.).

All cheating carries with it the risk that someone may kill someone. It may be the lover, the resolute spouse or the cheater. The risk is very real for all parties involved. It may be murder or suicide, but the risk is there. Cheating with the possibility of death is always a bad kind of cheating.

Each of these situations has its own pain. Trying to rank order them in terms of which is worst, is like considering what portion of your body would be worst to loose or feel pain in. In a similar manner, some of these situations can be coped with easier than others, but that does not mean that the pain is less or that it is less worse.

The worst kind of  response to cheating is to wait in dealing with it. You need to take action now, before you grow numb to the situation. Waiting or putting off dealing with it  is a sure way to weaken or loose your marriage. Take action by purchasing my ebook and start doing something about cheating now, rather than wait for the next available appointment.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

One question frequently asked in the wake of an affair is “Can my marriage be saved?” That question should actually be reworded, since those asking it are actually wanting to know “Do I have to loose my marriage?” or ” Does an affair mean my marriage is dead?” .  One of the realities about affairs is that the spouses often do love each other, despite the affair. In many cases the love never died, what changed was the affair. It is as if they wanted their marriage plus a little bit more. They wanted the marriage and an additional relationship.

Whether one calls it greed, ego, insecurity or a host of other labels, it can be summed up with the statement that “they wanted MORE”. That additional MORE factor is what then endangers their marriage.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

loosing my marriage

Today I decided to deal with some questions and answers about affairs.

Q: Does having an affair make you a bad person?

A: No, having an affair does not make you a ‘bad’ person. The choices we make are different from who we are. Good people can make poor choices. Having an affair is never a ‘good’ choice. Our choices may shape our future, but it does not condemn us to that future either. The issues that arise with affairs can be dealt with.

Q: Does an affair mean my marriage is over?

A: An affair does not automatically mean the marriage is over. How the couple chooses to respond to the affair has more to do with the marriage being over than the affair. An affair damages, but does not usually kill a relationship, although some people have used affairs to severely damage their marriage.

Q: Are all affairs the same?

A: No. Each one is different. The circumstances and choices associated with the affair make each one different and also change the ways people respond to them.

Q: Can a person be trapped into an affair?

A: Yes. Some affairs have occurred in an entrapment situation. People have been known to start a relationship with another person while key information regarding the marital status of one of the parties has been kept from the other.

If you have questions about affairs, feel free to post a response or call.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

In dealing with affairs, one of the questions to consider is which is more important, the beginning or the end? Although ending the affair is most crucial to surviving the ordeal, many couples focus more of their time and attention on the beginning. The segment of the affair one devotes their attention to will have more significance, just by being the focus of the attention. That portion of the relationship that receives the focus will have the power.

It is always easier to start a relationship than to end one. It is also easier to focus one’s attention on how it started than on how it ended. Is it any wonder that couples who continue struggling with overcoming the affair had spent most of their time on how it began. Had they focused their attention on ‘ending’ the affair, they may also find that the struggling comes to an end as well. Endings and talking about endings are not easy, but they are necessary. Even if there is no satisfactory closure, the affair needs to end.

It is also worth considering that what we focus on, has power over us. It would make more sense to focus on ending that speculate on the beginning.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah