When you do wrong, you will experience guilt. When cheaters do wrong, they often experience guilt as well. Rather than deal with the guilt, they often attempt to cover it up or deaden it.
One of the main tools used in covering up guilt is anger. Anger is often the WD-40 of the emotional world. It is used to cover up, force or fix emotional situations. It is easier to lash out at the mere mention of the cheating rather than deal with the guilt. In such cases, the anger intensifies, the closer you come to the guilt itself. It is not by accident that St. Paul posed the question “Do I become your enemy because I tell you the truth?”
Cheaters do not like to hear the truth. Truth means they have to deal with the pain of their own guilt. Since they are struggling with their own guilt, they are not emotionally available to help you with your pain, your anger or your anguish. They are so caught up in their own emotions and situation that they are not available for you.
They may choose to dull their senses with alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling or some other activity to ‘block out’ the guilt. No matter how they try to block it out, it remains. It gnaws at them. They may not admit it to you, but that does not mean it is not there.
Some cheaters may find ways to ‘rationalize’ their actions. They may say that they ‘deserve’ to be happy, that “God does not want them to be miserable” or that ‘That is what a man does’. In their mind, they have to find a way to excuse what they did. They will have to find a way to ‘balance’ out or ‘negate’ the tremendous burden of guilt they experience. In their emotional ledger, they have to balance the books and find an excuse that will counter the guilt of the cheating. In looking for excuses, they may play up their ‘victimhood‘ and exaggerate what you do (or didn’t do) in order to balance the books.
Another favorite behind anger is ‘blame’. Cheaters often use blame as a way to deflect any guilt they may be experiencing. What I have seen is that the more guilt they experience, the more blaming they do. So when the cheater goes into the blaming, their actions are telling you that they feel guilt and are working hard to avoid feeling what they are feeling.
Such actions are used to hide the guilt. Although hidden, it cannot be rationalized away. A wrong has been done that needs correction.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
