Besides secrets, anger, and lies, another of the qualities that are part of the package deal you receive with cheating is …blaming. Blaming often starts even before the cheating occurs or is found out. Blaming is actually at work in the days leading up to the cheating.
The cheater often prepares themselves for the cheating before it happens. Part of the preparations requires blaming. They must have something or someone to blame in order to justify having the affair in the first place. The blame is often used to prevent and neutralize the guilt.
When the cheater has someone to blame, they do not feel the pangs of guilt that would have normally kept them from doing what they are doing. This is the answer to the question, “How could they do this?” They were able to do this because they short-circuited any possible guilt by having something to blame it on. Somehow the magic ‘blame object’ makes everything all right in their mind. They use excuses like “I deserve this!” The more pain associated with the blame object, the more extreme they can be. Whatever they choose to blame it on, rest assured the impact of it has been enhanced by exaggeration. There is often more enhancement to their ‘perceived injury’ being used to blame it on than used by a Las Vegas show girl.
Once the cheating is out in the open, the blaming does not end. The habit of blaming often continues after the news is out. The blame serves to distort root reasons for the behavior, and avoid responsibility for their actions. The blaming is an ‘easy out’ for them. If you are serious about stopping the cheating and transforming your marriage, it is essential that you do not fall for their blaming. They may blame you, their childhood, or something else. It is important that you do not accept the blame when it being used as a ploy to avoid responsibility for their actions.
Hold the cheater accountable!
Confront the blaming!
Blaming amounts to a lie in different clothes with a sliver of truth attached to it.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
For more in-depth answers on bouncing back from the cheating, consider my seminar on “Sure-Fire Secrets to Restore Your Marriage After an Affair”.
