In the aftermath of an affair, you may have forgotten how to talk to your spouse. In the midst of your pain, you may have lost the ability to have a civilized conversation with the person who hurt you. The pain can grow so great and so intense that all you do is hurt them when you talk to them, making them feel what you feel. More pain, more hurt, more rejection, more …. Although you continue dumping, confronting and venting, there never seems to be much relief.
You have told the cheater how you felt several times over. You have probably overwhelmed them with your pain. The crazy paradox is you want them to comfort you and reassure you, but you do not even give them a chance to speak. When you have surrounded them with your pain and immobilized them with your complaining, it is clear that the two of you have forgotten how to talk with each other. You know how to complain, but you have forgotten how to talk and how to share.
Rather than dismiss the communication hints and recommendations, you need to put them into practice. Assuming, “I tried this and it didn’t work” is a sure way to sabotage the marriage. Rather than dismiss those items, put them into practice. When a person is seriously injured in an automobile accident, they may have to learn how to walk again. Likewise, you may have to learn how to talk to each other again.
1. Create an atmosphere of safety.
2. Listen more than you talk.
3. Focus on understanding rather than agreement.
4. Ask yourself “Will this bring healing?” before you open your mouth
5. Avoid calling them names and provoking them.
These seem simple, yet they are often neglected in the aftermath of an affair.
I cover these areas and more in a step by step manner in my e-book on surviving your partners affair. Rather than forgetting how to talk to each other, do something about it.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
