White lies and daydreams

What do white lies and daydreams have in common? Both come across as innocent and well intended, yet are destructive beyond measure.

Lies are called ‘white’ when they bend a few details or had good intentions behind them. By calling them ‘white’ the liar is removing the negative aspects of their lies.

Cheaters use “white lies” in excusing giving out untruths, and “daydreams” in hiding the fantasies they have regarding their lovers. You know first hand how painful each of these can be.

No matter how the cheater excuses their actions, it does little to take away the pain of what they have done. Somehow calling them such innocent terms makes them more palatable.

Both are bitter to those they are served to. Lies hurt, whether well intentioned or not. The cheater leaving your company, and alienating their affections by fantasizing about their lover is a deep wounding.

They can call it daydreaming or “musing”. No matter how fancy the label, it still hurts and damages your relationship. When you call daydreams what they truly are, which is fantasies, you cut through the delusions.

You know when your spouse’s heart isn’t with you. They can minimize it, excuse it or package it in pretty paper, but no matter how it is packaged, they have still abandoned you and violated the promises they made before God and man. Their heart isn’t with you and you know it.

Part of the damage done by white lies and daydreams is the erosion of trust. When trust, which is the foundation of your marriage is damaged, your whole marriage suffers.

In the video “How Can I Trust Him Again?“, you can have the tools needed in rebuilding trust in your marriage.

Best Regards,

Jeff

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5 Responses

  1. It sure does hurt, even if your spouse is now committed to the marriage and urging you to do the same. Even if he has ended it with the OW, the fact that he fell in love with someone else, fantasized about a life with her, and about ending it with me is something I cannot seem to get past. He was married to me all the while, lying to me and deceiving me. What do I do with that? I will look up the Affair Recovery Group.

  2. It hurts to be deceived and lied to. When your spouse has done that to you, there are two choices. You can choose to protect yourself from any future hurt and never let them close to you again, or you can choose to allow them to get close, be in relationship and risk being hurt again. Put simply, it is a choice of being safe and lonely or in relationship and at risk of being hurt. This is not a fun choice, although it is as simple as it gets.

    Being honest with yourself about your options and what is going on is a good place to start.

  3. I think what I am afraid of is that if I stay and repair the relationship, then he will not respect me or my feelings, and that will make it easy for him to hurt me again.

  4. Anytime we choose to be ‘in relationship’ with someone we risk getting hurt. In terms of respecting feelings, that comes with changes in the level of trust, commitment and time.

  5. I had not thought about the fact that my perspective is coming from a place of fear and lack of trust. It’s interesting to look at it in a different light. But I think it will be a long time before my feelings change.

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