When you find yourself saying that your marriage is ‘down the tubes’ you may be recognizing some truths that you did not realize. Your marriage may be caught in a downward spiral of bitterness and resentment. Yes, your spouse disappointed you, and in all likelihood, you disappointed them as well. You wanted wholeness in your marriage, but somehow found that it was missing. It could be that the cheater was looking for that as well when they ended up in the affair.
On finding out about the affair, your situation became more desperate since you were not whole in the marriage anyway and the most recent disappointment and let down by your spouse made it worse. With them letting you down, you found yourself more desperate than before since they were your last hope. You need self-worth, and it could be that you were expecting it from your spouse and when they let you down, your world shattered. You began that downward spiral of bitterness and resentment. You resented what they did and your own neediness for them.
You are now faced with some serious choices. You can dump your spouse, thinking that will remove the pain or you can begin working on your issues. Dumping your spouse will not remove or change your needs. Divorce does not fix your self-worth. It never has. If anything, it will make it worse. You need to be loved and accepted. Rejecting and blaming is not the way to obtain love and affirmation (or affairmation, like your cheating spouse did).
If you are in that downward spiral. Stop it! Break the cycle, NOW. The problem was not the affair, it was where you were looking to get your needs met and how you expected your spouse to be more than human.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
