It is hard trusting a liar, especially when it’s your spouse. What’s even tougher is when the liar believes the lies they are telling you.
When they actually believe the story they’ve constructed, it’s challenging finding common ground. You’re left with the choice of either enter their “world” or choose to not communicate.
They leave you with no other options. When they’re in the ‘affair fog‘, they don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. They only know what sounds ‘plausible’.
At times it may be what you would accept as plausible and at other times it’s what they consider plausible in their own minds. The more self-centered they are, the more self-delusional they are.
Getting close to a self-delusional person who lies is like entering another strange world. You may find yourself feeling disoriented and confused. These are sure signs that you have taken some steps into their world.
So where do you start in dealing with these people? You start by telling yourself the truth.
You will need to tell yourself the truth about what’s going on, about you and about your thinking. You’ll need to do this until there is no doubt about what is the truth.
Cheaters who lie have ways of making you believe things that you may have some doubts about. You will need to be doubt-free. If you have any fears or doubts, you are vulnerable to their lies.
It’s like they plant doubt seeds in your brain and heart. You find yourself doubting even areas you were once secure in.
In the video “How Can I Trust You Again?“, you can gain further insights as to what’s needed in rebuilding trust.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
i found your blog and have been reading through the archives. my husband and i are going through a divorce — we had many problems for many years, he was verbally and emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive, and spent years in counseling. he agreed to go when i said i had had enough. but he never made an effort beyond showing up for our sessions, and on occasion he stormed out, declared things over, threatened me with divorce. a year ago, i found out he had been cheating on me in a crass way, not even at the level of “falling for someone else”. i have no idea how long he was doing this. i only know that he only admits to the timelines that i can confirm with the evidence i found.
my kids are doing better since he moved out. he was and is an angry man. i am grieving but doing better since he moved out. my question to you — seeking validation, you know? — is how do you truly know when to give up? we were together for almost 20 years, and i love him. i always believed we fit together as well as any couple could, and every time he turned on me or betrayed me it has been confusing and heart-breaking. he shows no desire to reconcile. i keep thinking if i could do or say the right thing, we could work it out. magical thinking…
he lies to himself, and rationalizes his behavior and makes it all my fault. yes, we had problems (mostly resulting from his anger issues and low self-esteem), but he chose to do what he did, right? i tried whatever i could try without sacrificing my own self more than i already had done to make it work. and it didn’t. i can see where we would be incompatible, or where who i am makes him feel worse about who he is. it made no difference what i said or did, he found something wrong with me, with it, with us. i think it is a hopeless situation really, but i want our “us” back, and my heart is beaten and broken.
i guess i am looking to someone for permission to let this go. or permission to hang on for dear life. i think my kids will resent me for the latter — they are living in a more peaceful loving home now.
i am looking for hope.
thank you.
Lynette,
Thank you for reading the blog and contacting me. The question you pose, “How do you know when to give up?” often requires a personal answer arrived at after soul searching. It sounds like you have tried many things and that he often only responds when you are frustrated and angry. Even then, it seems that he only puts forth enough effort to pacify you without making a personal commitment. In some ways, it sounds like he is trying to bail on the relationship. I suspect he is also seeking validation in terms of when to leave by passively seeking an out by frustrating you to the nth degree. I am puzzled as to why he has not given up and left yet. There may be a part of him, that like yourself continues struggling with the situation.
I do not think that there is a ‘silver bullet” answer that will let you know with a clear conscience and without any doubt that it is time to give up. You may want to ask your husband and see what his response is.
Some people give up when they get tired, some when they have done all that they can think of, some when there is no hope of the relationship changing, and some when it becomes clear that the cheater has left the relationship-physically, emotionally and spiritually.
A counselor told me that after taking my husband back after leaving 6 times that for my family…my boys…there needed to be integrity in our home, and I knew that I had to stop. That we could no longer live in the whirlwind of lies and the bizarre world he had created. When I stepped out of the tornado, though he kept spinning within it, we began to gain sound footing again. I stopped trying to grab for the man I hoped he would be and deal with the man he WAS.
Andi,
There are some cheaters who are so used to dealing with crises that they create them wherever they go. When such persons are not in crisis, they view life as dull and boring. The only time they feel ‘normal’
is when they have a crisis going on. Your metaphor of the tornado is an accurate description of these kind of dynamics. It also sounds like the tornado stopped when you told yourself the truth, and worked with who he was and not what you were chasing.
Jeff, thank you for your thoughtful reply. It is good to get a new (and male) perspective. In the past several years, I have asked my husband many times what he wants, and where he stands, and the only answer I get is “I can’t believe that you would think…” as he flips it back on me. He cannot even reply to me when I ask him if he really wants a divorce — he says “I can’t believe you think we could possibly make this work”.
I know I deserve better than being with someone who is so angry that he has no regard or respect for me, and my kids, as Andi mentions, need to live in a home with integrity.
But it is so sad. I am so sad. I want so badly a different outcome. I guess it’s the wondering when to give up hoping for a different outcome, and focusing on healing and moving on that is the biggest challenge. I don’t think he will ever be definitive enough with me — because in many ways I think he is afraid of making a life without me. I am not really afraid of making a life without him — I can take care of myself and my kids — but I believed in our marriage, and in us, and it is so hard to let go.