The pain of infidelity hurts you deeply. Like the wounding of a close friend it is deep and painful. Many people describe it as a “knife in the back!” type of sensation.
Some also report the sensation accompanied by a nauseating, burning sensation deep in the pit of their stomach. One reason for this is the betrayal and lies that accompany cheating.
Although words like “cheating” and “affairs” are borrowed from the business world to mentally lessen the impact, your pain is not lessened.
No matter what you call what happened, you were betrayed, you were rejected, and you were hurt.
Added to these unwanted sensations,is the experience of disbelief. You may not want to believe what is so distasteful could happen to you. You may not want to acknowledge what happened.
This not wanting to believe it is occurring is often accompanied by a sense of the ‘unreal’ and statements like “I can”t believe this is happening! ” The stunning news of your spouse cheating often leaves you with the unpleasant unreal sense that hangs around your head and heart for what seems like forever.
It may take hours, days or even weeks before you actually accept that the cheating did happen. Not only did it happen, it happened to you.
Cheating rejects you. It rejects who you are and the role you are in.It sends the message-YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH! YOU ARE INADEQUATE!
Cheating is a total rejection. The cheater rejects the life you shared, the dreams you shared, the struggles you shared and you. The hopes that you and your spouse shared have been shattered.
With the shattering of those hopes, comes massive disappointment. Everything that you had hoped for and believed in is gone. With infidelity, you loose not only your spouse, you loose your friend, your future, your family and your dreams.
In overcoming the infidelity, one of the issues that eventually needs to be dealt with is forgiveness .
You like other spurned spouses may find it utterly distasteful and beyond your capacity to ever forgive the cheater. Choosing not to forgive torments you and your spouse, although over time, the one most hurt by holding that grudge is you. It may give you a temporary sense of power and control, but it brings with it a BIG price tag.
When you finally choose to grapple with forgiveness, there are often two questions to consider:
Can I ever forgive them? and When do I forgive them?.
First you have to choose whether or not you can forgive them. if you are one of those who told yourself, “There is no way I can ever forgive them for this!”, then you may find yourself experiencing problems in this area.
Since your mind is programmed by you, the messages you send to yourself will determine what you can do. Telling yourself that you can NOT forgive will limit what you can do.
If you are serious about forgiveness, you will need to make the choice that you are willing to forgive.
It is helpful to remember that, forgiveness is a process. It is not a one-time event. It is not something that do once and it is done forever. You forgive a little each day.
Forgiveness is not approval of what they did. It is not so much about them, it is more about you choosing not to emotionally hold onto the grudge and resentment over what happened.
It is about you choosing to let go of the hurt. Forgiveness can only be given and directed toward the person, NOT the event (more on that later).
Since forgiveness is a process, it is something that is on-going. This on-going process requires the forgiver to let go. You will need to let go of the pain, the desire for revenge, and resentments. Each day those resentments and hurts build up, you will need to let go of them.
After you choose to forgive, it will be convenient to find reasons to resent the cheater. You may find more reasons to resent them each day closer you get to forgiving them. This is part of the process of forgiveness.
The “letting go” involves releasing your emotional and spiritual baggage about the cheater. The letting go may likely involve issues you have towards your spouse, yourself and your God.
God is often blamed when you entertain thought like “How could God allow this to happen?” , “How can God expect me to forgive them?”Remember with the cheating, it is the cheater that chose to do what they did, God did not make them do it. Blaming God for what they did will only displace your emotions and make forgiveness messier than it already is.
In some cases, forgiveness may require you let go of feelings toward friends or family members that were involved in the whole affair mess. It may not be just the cheater. It could involve their family, friends, work associates, etc.
As to when you need to forgive, there is no one size fits all answer. Since everyone deals with pain differently the answer regarding when you need to forgive varies greatly as well.The simple answer is when you are tired of holding onto the pain and grudge. When you are ready to stop hurting.
My own experience is that before forgiveness can occur, you needs to have a clear idea of what you are forgiving. It is easier to let go of something if you have a clear idea of what you are letting go of. Some forgiveness never occurs, because it is never clear what you are forgiving them for.
Some questions to consider in this matter are:
What is it that you are forgiving? Is it a behavior? Is it an attitude?
What was done to you?
Are you tired of hurting?
Are you ready to let go?
Is holding on to your grudges helping or hurting you?
You may stumble in forgiving since many people do not understand what it is and how it works. It is not making excuses for the person. It is not condoning what happened. Forgiveness is not pardoning.
A pardon is a legal action. Criminals can be pardoned or released from their sentence. When you forgive, you are not legally put your stamp of approval on what they did.
Forgiveness involves emotional and spiritual concerns. You can forgive, yet still hold the other party accountable in a legal sense for their betrayal of you and your marriage. You can hold them accountable for the lies, secrets and exposing you to communicable diseases.
Another stumbling block concerns grudges. Oddly enough, some people have magical thinking regarding holding onto their grudges. It is as if you are holding onto a mental voodoo doll and use the memories of what occurred to wish ill on the offender.
You somehow believe that holding the grudge gives you power or control over the other person. With grudges you do not want to forgive now since it would involve surrendering the magic power you think you have over the offending spouse. Grudges do not work that way. Instead, grudges do just the opposite, controlling those holding onto the grudge.
Another common mistake is forgiving too soon. When you forgive before there is a clear idea of what is being forgiven, there is a risk of free-floating resentments. Forgiveness can occur without knowing all the minute details of the affair. Many times people have to forgive before they can grasp what happened from all the perspectives involved.
Forgiving too soon does not allow for the other spouse to be held accountable. When you forgive prematurely, the guilt, which often serves as a motivation to bring about changes, is suddenly dissipated. The forgiven person no longer feels a sense of remorse or need to correct things. The cheater wrongly assumes that once they have been forgiven the whole affair episode is concluded.Forgiveness does not mean the cheating episode is closed by any means. Forgiveness only stops the emotional bleeding, not repairing the trust or damage that was done.
When you forgive too soon, the issues leading to the cheating are often not dealt with. The forgiveness reduces the pain level, but does not repair the relationship.
The error is made assuming that when the pain is gone, the affair is settled. Before the relationship is healed, the damage will need to be repaired and the intimacy restored. Premature forgiveness often keeps a façade of intimacy, when the reality is that the couple does not feel close to each other, they are just terrified of being abandoned, and take steps to avoid those sensations.
10 Common excuses for not forgiving
If I forgive them they will only do it again.
They were not truly sorry
They never asked for forgiveness
I don’t like them
They did it on purpose
If I forgive, I’ll have to be nice to them
Someone has to punish them for what they did
They aren’t sorry for what they did
They are just going to do it again
I was hurt too much to forgive
When to forgive
The simple answer of “When to forgive?”, is.. when you have a clear idea of what you are letting go of, and you are tired of hurting.
The decision point needs to be with you. The priority needs to be set by you in terms of choosing to let go of the pain and emotional baggage.When you do forgive, DO NOT tell the cheater you forgave them unless they ask. Telling them that you forgive them before they ask often comes across as a put down and lets off pressure prematurely. You need the pressure in the relationship in order to drive them to make changes.
You may have put off forgiving, hoping and waiting for the cheater to ask for forgiveness. When they do ask for forgiveness, make sure that their actions and talk are in agreement. True repentance of wrong doing is needed. True repentance is showing that they repent of what they did both in word and deed. Look for changes in how they talk and how they behave.
You may desperately want to hear that they are ‘sorry’ and regret what they have done. If they are only giving you lip service, it is merely an incomplete repentance. They are doing what they think will reduce the tension in the relationship between the two of you. In cases where they are truly repentant, you will see it in what they say and what they do. There should be a difference in how they talk to you and how they treat you.
If you fall for the lip service only repentance, you are being manipulated. Cheater often know what to say and how to ‘charm’ people with their ways. They may be using those skills on you. They told the lover all kinds of lies as well. They led the lover to believe in something that was untrue as well.
It will be nice if they ask for forgiveness and show repentance of their actions in word and deed. This may or may not happen prior to the time that you choose to forgive them. If you choose not to forgive them when they ask, it does not make you a bad person. You may need some extra time to sort through everything that has happened and what you are feeling.
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
Yes I forgive …Jesus has offered forgiveness to any of us who are willing to ENTER INTO it ..
The way He has described this ‘entering in ‘ is through repentance .
Getting to the point of repenting takes being broken hearted over the realization of what SIN is and what damage it has meant to ones life…and to that of others
I have experienced that through the ongoing reading of the Bible GOD will show us the nuances of sin and we then ..having SEEN it…we can ask forgiveness in specifics that bring about much relief
The person that has repented is most likely to seek to avoid doing the same sin over again ..it is a growing and strengthening thing as we ‘walk’ along learning and applying the Word
Soon the sins that used to draw us in or deceive us become less and less attractive as we learn about not just the damage it does to others but ourselves and how we feel disappointed in having realized the sorrow we cause our Lord or the shame we may have brought to His name’
Those who love the Lord do not want to shame Him
For His name sake we seek to walk uprightly and learn more and more from the Bible about our Lord
It is personal and ongoing …growing in ‘right living ‘ according to how the Bible tells us what that looks like
How grateful I am for forgiveness…but it does not follow that we never ‘look back’ …For me I have found that over the years the Lord has ‘taken me back’ to see something and having seen it I rejoice in the growth in understanding and the forgiveness I now recognize more and more depth ..to be able to be more and more thankful as I see what I was deserving and what Jesus Christs offer has opened up to me and others
When forgiven we do not presume to go on living anyway we want to or feel like but seek to CHANGE our point of view about sin to line up with God’s …It may not mean much to us at first ..having lived in a world where ‘sorry ‘ does not always mean any kind of depth of sorrow…but when we see God’s view of what sin does to our lives…and to His desire for Good in our lives…we are then more concerned about it …and seek to learn how to avoid the things that are sinful and harmful.
Sin kills …and destroys even if we do not know what ‘sin’ is …it STILL damages lives.
Many who sin think they must ask for forgiveness but may not receive it .
We RECEIVE forgiveness when we turn and walk after the Lord ..and then we are walking IN HIS forgiveness…
We may experience doubts or accusation from within and without …but GOD’S WORD is the TRUTH ..and IT is eternal and enduring ..and it does not fail
It is HIS LOVE based upon His gracious forgiveness to ALL who are willing to obey Him and follow Him …putting on His words.
Offering forgiveness to our loved one that has hurt us may be as real as we can make it ..but they may not receive it ..because they either do not intend to change course but want to continue on in their behavior …in which case the forgiveness we give is more for our own healing .
If they continue in their sinful behavior they are going to continue feeling the condemnation which sin is bound to cause because it is one of the ways sin is ‘designed’ to turn us FROM it ..consequences are for our being brought to be aware of something wrong ..like a nerve ending when we get a cut or a wound ..it alerts us to get help …to change how we do something
May all who commit sin find the truth that will enable them to cease and be armed with the way to avoid committing further sin intentionally and learn to see situations coming and avoid walking into temptations
God told us that there is no temptation that is not common to man but God has made the WAY for us to escape it that we would be able to bare it .
He also told us some sins we should simply FLEE …sexual sin is one of those …because of a man’s design hormonally his is given much wisdom how to keep himself and his marriage safe from sexual sin .
Wisdom takes heed.
Forgiveness is often an on-going process. As each resentment comes up or we are reminded of a failure, we need to ‘let go’, and not allow there to be room for resentments to grow. I am reminded of the old saying. “When you bury the axe, you need to forget where you buried it as well”.
I am the matriarch in a multigenerational home. My eldest daughter has just been betrayed by her husband and father of her two young sons for at least the third time in 10 years (these 3 times we definitively know of). This time he, age 40, seduced and had sex with my husband’s 19 year old daughter, who was raised as a sister to my daughter. The entire situation has completely broken the family. There was such deceit and duplicity happening right under all our noses, yet there was no outward indication. He seemed the model husband, and seemed to have really changed after going to counseling after his last episode of infidelity about 5 years ago. My poor daughter was devastated when she found weeks worth of text messages and nude photographs of each other that they had exchanged, explicitly stating that they were having sex in the house after plying my daughter with enough liquor to cause her to fall into a deep sleep early after putting her children to bed. When confronted, the husband first claimed the 19 year old blackmailed him, then quickly changed his story to say he was just a poor pitiful sex addict who can’t help himself. Upon the discovery, we sent my step daughter to her mother’s home that night and my daughter threw her husband out the door. She vowed never to speak to either of them, and swore there would be no forgiveness this time. His ability to pull all this off right in our home without any outward indication was chilling to us all. It made us all wonder how many other women there may have been without us ever knowing? But within 3 days my daughter was seeing him again, spending long hours with him—saying she didn’t trust him with the children alone. And before the week was out she was seeing him on a daily basis and is already seriously considering leaving our home and moving in with the philandering husband! I have been crying my eyes out every day because these two people failed to control their lust and literally destroyed my extended family. But my daughter has barely shed a tear, or even exhibited anger other than the first night. I think she has PTSD. She is intelligent and educated, yet acting like someone from the Jerry Springer show! I don’t know what to do! My husband and I can never forgive this husband again, and he will never be allowed in our home. So if my daughter reunites with him, I will lose her and my grandchildren whom I have helped to raise since birth. My daughter is acting like an automaton. I have pleaded with her to stop seeing him for awhile and go talk to a counselor. She has an appointment but it’s weeks away. She may be living with him again. For some reason he is like Svengali to her. She took much longer to forgive him in the past then she is taking when he betrayed her with her own sister! It’s just a nightmare! How do you persuade someone not to forgive? I believe in eventually letting go of anger to move on with your life. But I don’t think its normal for her to forgive such a huge transgression so quickly. And how many times do you let the same man cheat on you before you say ENOUGH!
Mary,
Thank you for writing to me. Your situation is heartbreaking on many levels. Although in many cases it sounds nice to say “forgive them”, there are times when that is not advisable. It is not that forgiveness is not needed, but rather either the victim does not understand what forgiveness is or that the cheater exploits any forgiveness. When forgiveness is confused with toleration of the cheating, they often view the forgiveness as further permission to continue exploiting. Your daughter may need to get herself together emotionally before any forgiveness. It is hard to forgive when you really do not comprehend what you are dealing with and what forgiveness is really about. I have written some previous post about what not to forgive. You may find those helpful in your situation.
One problem is that she keeps forgiving the cheating, instead of the person. You can forgive the person, yet not let them into your life again. Forgiveness is NOT about allowing yourself to be blindly exploited again. There are times that you can let go of the pain, yet keep the person out of your life since it will be taking needless risks. With this guy acting like a sex addict, who has not respect of familial boundaries, the normal rules of decency do not apply. You can not expect someone who does not play by the rules to follow the rules.