You felt that your life has suddenly become like a movie-complete with the drama and the emotional difficulties accompanying the aftermath of an affair. It seems like an unreal nightmare.
When the dust settles, and the two of you decide your marriage is worth saving, steps will need to be taken to rebuild the relationship. Besides committing to doing your best to preserve it, what can you do to make the love between you grow again?
Here are some tips that you can follow in rebuilding trust, and ultimately, rebuilding your marriage.
–Resolve to let go of the past. You’ve experienced the pains of digging through the events of the affair. Assuming that those issues are resolved, letting go of them is one of your early challenges. Those events are better off let go of rather than being used for making attacks on your spouse.
Emotionally beating them up one more time over something that you have already attacked them about will not take your hurt away.
Attacking them for past choices will not improve the issues that the two of you are facing now. Quit making ‘museum trips’, in terms of digging up the past.
It’s more important for you to resolve to live in the present. Rather, both of you needs to work things out to make things better.
Continuing in bringing up the past, ends up discouraging the efforts of your spouse to work out your marriage and make things better.
–Have fun with each other. Many times couples have forgotten how to have fun. When two people don’t enjoy each others company, it makes working together harder.
It also makes it harder to trust each other. With the decision to rebuild the trust, the two of you will need to share enjoyable moments.
If every recollection your spouse has is of you being upset and bringing up the past, it will only discourage them. Having fun is important in developing a sense of hope and newness.
–Do some new things with each other. Many times, there is a special openness in relationships when couples do things together for the first time.
When both of you do something that neither one of you has done before, then neither one has the edge. With it being a new experience, that neither of you has done before, it creates a primacy experience’. Such first time experiences tend to stick with us.
–Spend spiritual time with each other. In the aftermath of an affair, each of you needs healing. The relationship needs healing.
When there is a spiritual oneness, then emotional oneness is easier to accomplish. Try finding common spiritual ground. Pray together, go to a religious site together, read spiritual material together.
These things can serve to unite the two of you on a level that was not there before. You need a common goal, and such actions can provide it.
–Value each other’s secrets. Even when you are mad, do not share the secrets your spouse has shared with you. When they realize that you may be upset with them, yet you value their confidences, it provides a place to start rebuilding trust.
There has been enough damage done to the trust with the affair. Exposing their secrets will only damage the trust even further.
–Spend time with each other. It is hard rebuilding trust when you don’t spend time with each other. Couples need time for talking and just being with each other.
–Make room for your spouse. During the rebuilding, there’s often some uncertainty concerning where the relationship stands. It’s important to make your message clear and unambiguous that you want to spend time with them.
In the event you want them back, make room for them. Make space in your schedule for them and make space in the home for them as well. No one wants to feel useless or unwanted.
–Forgive and Forget. It is never easy to ask for forgiveness. The guilt and shame can easily blow you away. Pride can also get in the way. If asking forgiveness is difficult, how much more is the act of forgiving?
Yet, forgiveness is important if both of you want to rebuild your marriage.You’ll need to forgive them (the person). They will need to be held accountable for their action.
It was a terrible choice. It’s not a matter of beating them over the head with it, instead the cheating left a scar that reminds the two of you of the importance of not taking each other for granted. It reminds you that your marriage is important.
These tips are simple enough yet will require commitment from both of you. It takes two to tango, after all; and marriage is a difficult tango to dance. If you have ever danced the tango, you also know that the longer your practice it with your partner, the better you get at it.
For more help on rebuilding trust, consider the video ‘How Can I Trust You Again?” Inside, you’ll find the trust formula and ways of making sure your marriage has each of the ingredients.
Best Regards,
Jeff
