When you are confronted with an affair, it is likely that you run to your Bible or Holy book searching for answers. When in such a state of desperation, you cry out. You cray out in pain, you cry out in frustration and you cry out in anguish.
In searching through your Bible, you likely encounter many episodes and stories you are not familiar with, or have not heard in a long time. You may even blurt out “What does this have to adultery?”
The Bible has a lot to say about adultery and the many ways it ruins people’s lives.There are accounts of how it ruined people’s lives and families. It was not something limited to the poor, or the working class. Affairs impacted priests, kings, and heads of families. Affairs impacted military campaigns, spiritual awakenings and ministries.
Affairs and their effects are portrayed in their harsh reality. They are presented without the romance, technicolor and enhancements that modern portrayals of adultery are conveyed.
The Biblical truths provide answers and direction, whether or not you are ready for them. The truths have not been changed over time, although there have been those who have tried watering them down. The harsh consequences of adultery are a vivid contrast to the frequent endorsement of adultery in modern popular culture.
One aspect about affairs that many find hard to swallow and accept is that they bring a curse upon the land. The ‘land’ includes your home, neighborhood, city and State.This stands in start contrast to the popular idea that “Adultery is a victimless crime” that is only between the two adults. It is even excused by claiming that whatever people do behind closed doors is their “own” business and does not effect you. Hearing that it brings a curse on homes, neighborhoods and cities is not an idea heard in modern culture.
Modern minds scoff at the idea of curses, much less those brought on by affairs. The whole idea that an act between two adults can bring a larger negative impact on a community is not a familiar idea to modern thinkers. Think of the reaction in neighborhoods if they rose up against affairs. In that case, every neighbor would be concerned with how those around them were living their lives. They would want them to remain loyal to their spouses. Efforts would be made to encourage them in their marriage and family life, given that the consequences of not doing so did impact the neighborhood as a whole.
This also means neighbors would be concerned with the morality of those moving into their community. They know that strange moralities would bring consequences with them. There would no longer be the mindset of what happens behind closed doors does not impact them. It is not that they snoop behind people’s doors, but instead encourage pro-social behavior within their community.
Although modern scientific thinkers may scoff at the idea of a curse, consider the negative impact of affairs. Consider the negative energy that surround them. Consider the lies, deceit and fights that often surround affairs. If there was no curse, then there would be no negative energy, no negative consequences, no bad feelings, no resentments.
When an affair happens in your neighborhood, does it bring positive energy and encouragement to everyone? Does it enhance the community spirit of cooperation? Or, does it have some other impact? Although you may not see all the consequences, it does not mean that there are no consequences. It only means that the impact is often hidden behind secrecy and shame.
It is not that the Bible created the cause and effect aspect of affairs, instead, it exposes them. You see the cause and effect impact that affairs have. You see those effect in harsh reality. You see the consequences of infidelity and how those consequences cross generational lines. The impact of adultery is not something limited to only those consenting adults involved.
You see how adultery impacted large groups whether they were families, communities or nations. You see how infidelity twists the ability of people to objectively deal with situations. You see how it corrupted those in positions of influence. You see how it brings destruction to the lives of those involved and those around them.
Adultery is not a victimless crime. It disturbs the fabric of everything around you, including the land. I do not think that the environmental and green groups are going to catch on to the idea, but one way to save the planet is to stop affairs. One way to get green is to stop affairs. When you stop the curse, you have taken a big step to improving everything.
Think about how you felt before the affair. Consider how your surroundings felt. Now consider how you feel and how even where you live feels. Notice the difference? It is not just your imagination. Things have literally changed. Once the affair happens, there are other feelings, forces and power at work.
This concept of affairs changing everything around them is a spiritual truth. Being that it is a spiritual truth or law, it remains in operation regardless of your belief system. Even if you are into new age ideas, affairs disrupt the harmony of relationships. In place of that harmony are waves of destructive energy. If you are one that is into karma, the idea of negative energy (curse) is very real and also very destructive.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
9 Responses
Pro 30:20 Such [is] the way of an adulterous woman; she eateth, and wipeth her mouth, and saith, I have done no wickedness.
Zaza,
That is correct. The adulterous woman often believes that she has done nothing wrong. They do not see the consequences of their actions on others, the children, the family or the community. They live in their own bubble of selfishness.
Still continues to try to manipulate through the children …finally my husband told her …she is to remember that he and I are to be addressed as one….any issues that she addresses he informed her than he shares all with me …through text …she has not responded anything to that as yet…it is a LONG trial …
She left her boyfriend apparently and made this info known …I don’t think she is trying to get back with my husband but trying to get him to be more involved with parenting {though nothing is outside the possibility with her ..she is very manipulative….] He is aware of this and is keeping his guard up …learning how to deal with it …
He had one idea to have her only communicate through me but I am not so sure I want ANYTHING to do with her …she is a head case….don’t need to be in the middle of this ….
…we already are not getting enough time and work on our own family issues….so he has told her that she needs to understand that the money we send is for the care and feeding of the children and that we are NOT responsible for HER Life choices!
I was very glad he FINALLY did this ,…He should have done this after D DAY …it just took over 5 years to get to this point….it is wearing and it will be interesting to see where this goes …going forward.
Keep you posted …just because I imagine it may interest someone who is working with such things.
Thanks for your encouragement and prayers..
Zaza,
Thank you for the update. Lovers like her often use children as tools like they use everything else. Nothing is what it is supposed to be, whether relationships, marriage, children. Children and people in general are nothing more than playthings to people like her.
Well I wonder about his true resolve …I feel like he stayed in the marriage to keep him from having to deal with her ….it was ‘protection’ and now his involvement with the children is ‘protection’ from having to be authentically in our marriage.
See my post on the ‘pain’ blog you did ….marriage to someone like this is actually torture…I was just reading about a book on Amazon about men who are ‘commitmentphobic’ ….how this transformation from a guy SURE of his desire to marry could turn so wrong …I wonder.
Anyway ..it is not very helpful or hopeful to read stuff like that ..it always boils down to someone’s willingness to examine themselves as to why they choose to do these things at the expense of those they claim to ‘love’
I think God’s word tells it like it is …those who know not GOD , know not love.
Their ‘version’ is not love it is self serving and ‘evil’ ….whatever ‘ feels ‘ good and is convenient …
Hedonistic approach to life…
The people they harm are left to deal …after 31+ years of marriage is is horrifying to realize all my ‘understanding ‘ and ‘forgiving ‘ was in his eyes…’enabling ‘ !
How on earth do people like this live with themselves! …but we see more of them every day!
Zaza,
You ask an important question, which I do not have an answer to. From your comments you see that he is a hurting man. He has not made the best choices, yet you can see his hurt even over your pain. Many times these hurting people hurt all those around them. There are many reasons for this, from a cry for help, inability to communicate, avoidance of commitment to being just plain scared. It is true that he may have used you. Have you considered whether he really knew any better? There are many hurts inflicted by ignorance and immaturity.
It encourages me that you can see the hurting man before you, even through your own pain. That takes love and true compassion. Perhaps a question to consider is how can you help him with his resolve?
Well your points are certainly worth considering .
My husband got his degree from a well know and elite university in psychology. He said he thought it would be an easy major . He had a full scholarship for his sport . He went on to be a professional in this sport for a while.
He began in our marriage well intentioned and open to being informed and taught in all areas , including Bible,
When he made a career change into the corporate world things changed. He became more invested in the social aspects of management. I suspect it was an area that he was comfortable in terms of ‘team’ building but the ‘needs’ for ‘morale’ boosting took over his after work time especially during our first pregnancy which was physically difficult for me as I was ill much of the time, and bed ridden, Also at that time his mother was diagnosed with incurable cancer. It turned what might have been a bonding season of our marriage into more demanding of outward areas of our lives.
His ‘needs’ for excitement and variety also encouraged his disconnect. He disregarded my input concerns about his charm and how it was often apparent to me that women in his office might be taking his attention in a different way than he was willing to see. AND that it was hurting me to see that he disregarded my concern and how it was effecting our marriage as he invested more care for the morale of those who worked with him than our relationship and my feelings that were beginning to be hurt because of his apparent disregard.
He soon found himself ‘helping ‘ a woman who was in tears, taking her for drinks after work …and then hugging and kissing her. [After D DAY ….many years later he confessed that she was married and he was just trying to comfort her!]
I dealt with that situation when I sensed something amiss by taking our infant with me to his office and calmly asking the woman to have a private talk about their growing attraction for each other’ as I put it ….”I understand you and my husband are attracted to one another’
I asked her ” Do you believe in GOD?”
She said ‘yes’
I said ” Do you believe God loves you and wants the best for you ?”
[Mind you I did not know at that time she was married…if she had a ring I did not notice it …I was intent upon dealing head on with this and in a loving christlike way ]
I told her ‘ God does not violate his own will. Marriage is one of God’s creations, It is for one man and one woman for life’ “No one who is married is going to be the ‘best” person for you .’
I also told her that every marriage has challenging times and as long as there are distractions and ‘options’ being offered that a husband and wife will have a difficult time working things out . I said as long as my husband had her around it was going to be difficult to deal with whatever we needed to deal with .
All this time my new baby was in arms.
I am amazed when I think of this conversation.
I asked her if she would like me to pray with her…and we prayed.
Then my husband returned from his appointment . There we sat in the foyer of his office..I said ‘Here we are your three favorite women!”
I can’t believe I said that …it was so painful!
He was shocked!
Later I brought the suit I wore as my ‘going away’ outfit to give this woman as a gift ! I figured that working in an office as receptionist she could use it …!
Two weeks later she called me at home and asked for forgiveness and then told me she was quitting and leaving town.
I also was so trying to send my husband a message at that time without ‘outing ‘ him I had a belly dancer sent to his office! I figured , You want women who are over the top sexy …HERE …and at the same time …it was humorous …But he was angry and humiliated…HE SHOULD have been .
I did not impact his appeal in his office…I was somewhat sending a message too …I felt it acknowledged his ‘appetite’ for the edgy image he wanted to have ….Why shouldn’t he get some of the discomfort from his lack of care for me ! His office staff did not blink an eye …that sort of thing is nothing to them.
They have high views of themselves in the industry he is in . And he also has had a taste for fantasy lives…and risky activities but not actually doing a lot of what he dreamed .
He had aspirations to grow up to be an athlete and he did well
He like the idea of being a cowboy and when the opportunity and funds became available he bought a ranch and dressed up like one …had a party and then did nothing more to develop or care for it.
He liked the image of the big spender and put on lavish parties …over the top …thinking he was expressing his appreciation for his office workers…he received little appreciation for it …and many criticisms! He was hurt …He not only spent what the company gave him but tens of thousands of our household funds which I did not know at the time.
He loved having the image of the successful man and a mistress seemed to be the next icon of that …prior to that he tried to engage other women a few times…usually after a game or some kind of office cocktails ….none of them agreed to go any further than a kissing session.
He usually did these things while I was pregnant. At least those that he was willing to admit to .
He created his own ‘needs’ as he rejected me over our faith. He grew weaker in it ..and soon discarded it ….This while I was pregnant with our first. From the first infidelity I wrote above he tole me he was
“bored’ …’did not know if we were really married’ …’did not know what love is ‘ …and that he was ‘not the man I needed him to be’
I did not pressure for him to go for help ..and did not think of going to counseling …I was exhausted learning how to be a mom …and taking care of the new baby …and with his mom being ill I did not want to come down too heavy on him
I now see that there was a huge need for him to get this addressed. I was afraid that he would leave me and asked him to make his mind up then as to what I could expect. He said he would never divorce me but at the same time I sensed that if I did not want to be abandoned I had to allow him the freedom to have his fun …not extra marital …but activities without nagging , whining , or containing him
This convergence upon our marriage of his challenges of emotional strain …his mom died a month later ….the new baby and not knowing how all of this effects a woman hormonally …and his selfish need for having his own time , his privacy and his fun …all led to him becoming more private, more distant , more busy [ the need to earn because of having a child] and less concerned about what his behavior did in effect upon me and our family.
I continued to feed on the Word and try to live by it . I tried to example thankfulness, contentment, unselfish giving toward him getting to do whatever he needed to unwind…He did not care to learn about any of the things involving his responsibilities as a husband or father.
He did not respect me no matter how I tried to engage him with respect and honor . He did not plan ahead for time with me …and did not include me in anything where he did not have to .
I often prayed “Lord HOW do I respect a man who has no respect for YOU?’ I struggled with this and what it led to was my trying to find that ‘moment’ when he would be approachable as many ministries teach women …I spoke in a respectful way …appealing to him ….informing him of the great things that parenting offered and warned him of the ways my own dad missed out on what family could have offered had he not been so busy with work and golf. I reminded him of how quickly children grow up and that he did not want to look back and be sorry for all that he missed.
He did not hear me…by the time I was asking him to get more involved in family …he was already involved with his mistress…
The many moves …and leaving me behind to deal with all of what was involved in selling the house, homeschooling , elder parent issues and moving …took it’s toll.
He was ‘free’ as I took on all that he laid upon me, When a transfer happens the wife is usually left with these tasks…the Corporation is FIRST and family brings up the rear,
It was ‘normal’ and ‘necessary ‘ for me to do this …as my mom told me ‘you need to respect your husband’s work ‘ ….’ don’t call him at the office’
Basically I learned from my own family of origin …that the family supports the career …THIS is backwards to what GOD’s order is …but I did not learn this at home OR in ministry !
I ‘respected’ the life of my husband to the point that he HAD a LIFE while we had to scramble to keep up.
If our home needed anything or I needed help …he would say ‘ Hire someone’ as he stepped through the door on his way to work ….[or his mistress]
Our last child was all but completely abandoned ..as even on his way out on a Saturday I suggested he take her with him as he had done with our other children and he snarled at me as a teenager would who ‘had plans’ …..when his parents would ask him to do something that would interfere.
He was going out ….now I know he was on his way to his adulteresses and taking our young daughter would have hampered his plans.
NOW he regrets all of this….he remembers these things …as NOW he is trying to take some responsibility with the children he had with adultery ….AND he CANNOT father them properly .
HE NOW sees not only the harm he has done to me and our children …but the very losses I warned him about back in the beginning of his adultery.
The cost NOW is that though he cannot properly father the children of adultery ….and he now sees the OW as the user and manipulator she is …he is not WILLING to invest in our marriage work that should take priority .
Changing habits that are so detrimental to the self and to others is not all that easy …probably why GOD tells parents to train up their children in the way that they should go …because learning later in life and making the changes necessary to avoid the pitfalls is hard work …
Coming from behind as many are …such as myself ..I did not have what I would have identified as an abusive or neglectful family life…I believed it was normal but NOW as I have been learning about life and family from the Bible ….I find that ALL of what we thought was ‘normal’ and ‘good ‘ has a need for ‘adjustment’ and to make life changes takes work
I trained as a professional musician …I appreciated the more serious training and coaching ..I did not crave flattery or appreciation ..I liked the coaches that were tough on me …and not only suggested things to refine my art and skill…but were direct and honest.
Flattery did not help me improve. When I came to seek after GOD and truth I feel this is the better attitude.
But ..failing to desire improvement …people who are pretty much ‘approved ‘ by other people …and who think they are perfect just the way they are …are not only unteachable …they are untrainable..
My husband was a professional athlete but he did not seem to translate the VALUE of information in terms of character training ….I was not his ‘guru’ and did not hope to be….but since his PERSONALITY was so admired and enjoyed …he apparently thought his character was beyond reproach
There is a good point …Character and Personality are NOT the same thing.
People can float through life on personality and fail completely when it comes to the ways good , strong character are required. I guess that is one of the things about personality disorder that comes into play.
A personality that is charming but lacking in moral concern is prone to use others and to damage others as they plow through life …using and deceiving others for whatever they want out of them
The OW is like this …although she is not all that ‘bubbly’ …but rather bland in personality ..she has a way of creating drama and crisis…using these to manipulate my husband …to get him to give her more money …or to feel responsible for her demands ….her ‘state’ ….
She was in therapy and had been for YEARS before she approached my husband that evening while he ate alone in the restaurant ….during a transfer where we were left behind …She was 28…..She agreed to have a sexual relationship without any hope of him divorcing and marrying her
At 28 a woman KNOWS if she wants children …and marriage …she agreed to the ‘terms ‘ …and got an additional ‘plus’ with her entering into adultery …a swanky job with a high salary …money he made but was not permitted to keep for himself but he COULD offer it to his business partner!
She made off like a bandit in all ways ….after six years of being his mistress she started to try to get children..She even ‘researched’ how to be a ‘single mom’ as you know….It was all a ploy….a con….
I believe they call this the ‘LONG CON’ …she knew from the beginning what kind of man he was …He was ‘proofed’ as a man who cared about his responsibilities for his children …if not emotionally …financially …HE was also a man who cared about his IMAGE …so he would be easy to con and to extort from …and SHE was RIGHT!
She now enjoys …an income with no taxes to pay …and no necessity to work ….only it is dwindling rapidly as we have a much lower income now and lost all of his differed comp in the last big downward econ blowup. His company went belly up.
She is now continuing to try to entangle him further …We give her plenty of monthly support but the kids complain there is never food in the house….I think she has created this crisis to get him to give them more money which HE DID …he gave each child an ‘allowance’ which is to be for their FOOD …and SHE TAKES it …and they must pay her back out of the money he gives them….for FOOD …if they go out she even gets them to buy HER food.
She HAS plenty of income …house, nice new car …
Now she has tossed her boyfriend aside and has told my husband she no longer has that man to help her out with the kids during her part time job!
FINALLY my husband came out and told her ..My WIFE and I are responsible to support the kids …for food and clothing …housing …but we are not responsible for YOUR life CHOICES!
I almost fell over >>>>HIGH TIME he told her this …should have told her back right after D DAY but he did not want to ‘kick her to the curb’ …after all they were a ‘couple’ for 14 years….I was patient ..understanding …but I tell you it was SO HURTFUL that he would not allow me to hear the break up over the phone ..
He NOW sees what a mistake it was …to not give her a direct indication that SHE would need to get a real job to support herself and whatever else for the rest of her life…that WE were NOT her support…but he did not do it ..I told him it would have been best for HER to have this information and for us to tell her that her support was going to diminish ..but he would not hear me
NOW he sees what I meant …she never got out to find a job of any real substance..though she could have …and once made six figures. ..now her excuse is that she has been out of the job market too long and is too old! …..she is approaching her late 40’s …..but on D DAY she would have been so much better off to realize she HAD to get a job that would supply her taste in all thing “fine’.
Instead she got a part-time job and found a man who she supposed she could get to take on the rest of the job…He is a rather well known and accomplished local artist….HE soon got a good view of her…and I suspect it was HE who left her.
Dealing with people like this is tiring and a waste of time since she is not seeming to take any responsibility for her own life and choices any time soon.
Her parents and family have little to do with her…and friends don’t stick around as they soon get wind of her manipulating ways….
I feel for the kids …but it seems they too are taking on the various character traits of their parents…lying …manipulating ..what else could you expect.
OUR children have been homeschooled and bible trained…not churched…but at home …from their own study and relationship with the LORD …I am so THANKFUL for this being the case …Still it is sad how much of what a true marriage and family they have missed out on because their father refused to HEAR the wisdom of the Lord and follow what he had learned as well of all that GOD offered him had he been willing to continue and to learn from the LORD .
HE loved the praises of men …and women more than GOD ..and did not appreciate any of the blessings of GOD .
Now he despairs…but I hope in what I trust the LORD has offered me in terms of not just eternity but as I continue to learn to apply the WORD to all things…to see the wisdom of GOD in examining the various people .. their ways ..the outcomes…all of it IS IN THE WORD.
Different clothing …different music….different activities…but IT IS ALL THE SAME …THE WORLD is off the mark…it offers temporary experiences ….the WISDOM of GOD is the only compass we have to navigate and SEE what is truth …often painful .but if we are willing to LEARN from GOD ..HE is most enthusiastic to teach us ….
My husband is seeing all of what he though was ‘only me’ in the things I told him from my having seen how GOD has defined all things….NOW he sees it was true…but STILL rejects the WORK it takes ..even the tiny baby steps…
The sin of adultery DARKENS the mind…all sin does …but ADULTERY has so many facets of how it damages people it is simply the ONLY sin compared to the damage of MURDER ….to the soul and that of others.
It damages society at large…
Romans states
Rom 1:28 And even as THEY DID NOT LIKE TO RETAIN GOD IN THEIR KNOWLEDGE,
God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;
Jer 6:27 ¶ I have set thee [for] a tower [and] a fortress among my people, that thou mayest know and try their way.
Jer 6:28 They [are] all grievous revolters, walking with slanders: [they are] brass and iron; they [are] all corrupters.
Jer 6:29 The bellows are burned, the lead is consumed of the fire; the founder melteth in vain: for the wicked are not plucked away.
Jer 6:30 Reprobate silver shall [men] call them, because the LORD hath rejected them.
To be ‘reprobate’ is to be DEVOID of wisdom ..unable to make sound judgments….and it leads to being on the OUTSIDE of the kingdom….PEOPLE reject GOD …they oust themselves from the kingdom !
Hsa 4:6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: BECAUSE THOU HAST REJECTED KNOWLEDGE , I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.
People are ‘judged ‘ by their OWN CHOICES!
Mat 7:2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
People ‘judge’ all the time ….many ‘judge’ that God’s word is not worth their time or obedience.
It is not GOD who judges or chooses people by ‘respect of persons’ …everyone has the same invitation ..same opportunity …same 24 hours in a day ….to SEEK HIM …to RECEIVE his word with meekness….PRIDE SELF approval …keep many away from this process….love of the world. ..and hatred of being told anything …
Psa 10:4 The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, WILL NOT SEEK God:
God not in all his thoughts.
1Jo 2:16 For all that [is] in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.
Just knowledge of the Word does not turn people away from sin ….the love for the world …and lusts corrode love for GOD if one does not nurture it with the ‘daily bread ‘ of the WORD ….and love GOD enough to obey Him
Mat 12:50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.
So much for the ‘brotherhood of man’
Humanism and relativistic thinking has provided the platform for situations ethics….the bane of civilization!
Zaza,
Wow! That is certainly a lot to deal with. After reading through it, I needed a second cup of coffee and some time to let my feelings settle. There are many things in your story that I could respond to.
One key point that sticks out is that studying psychology and going to counseling sometimes have a dangerous outcome. That dangerous outcome is that the person is inclined to ‘rationalize’ and excuse their deviant behavior. It is dangerous to assume that going to counseling or studying psychology automatically means that you get healthy. It can help, and the same degree that it can help, it can be detrimental. Few venturing that direction consider the potential dangers of psychology and often naively consider it low-risk to no-risk. That is NOT the case. There is definitely a risk and much like the warning sign “Swim at your own risk”, entering a study of the mind and thinking also has a risk.
Yes I realize this …thank you for the confirmation.
For one thing …whenever we invite ANY outside individual or individuals to speak into our lives we have to consider their worldviews as well as their own proclivities don’t we .
My husband may have a degree in psychology …but he does not seem to be willing to self evaluate.
He also has had a LOT of corporate training for management which in my thinking brought about a HUGE paradigm change right about the same time as we were expecting our first child and his mom’s diagnoses.
I feel he had this training for ‘MANAGING ” which made the most of his abilty to MANIPULATE others with the skills he already had in being charming …and ’empathetic’ or to appear so but it also gave him a rationalization to practice this powerful talent.
He is a great manager for the Corp and is very skilled in hiring …identifying how to put a team together
He seems comfortable in a ‘team’ as it does not go much deeper than superficial relationship , even the whore he was with …agreed to the distances that were there for a while …but being a woman she began to attach and want more …she is the one who gave him a book about being in love with a narcissist….
Now even approaching this personality disorder or addressing his passive agressivity ..which he even admitted to in a letter he once wrote her…does no good.
Once he has been ‘outed’ by anyone he labels them as an ‘enemy’
I think as I have been speaking what the Word has had to say about this whole lengthy lying and cheating and stealing from me and our family …he has DECIDED that he will punish by not engaging as a husband …claiming it is not going to do any good and that the damage to ME is just too bad to expect any healing !
He is still being ‘nice’ and behaves as an acquaintance….he just brought home gifts for our girls and those children …he fails to see or maybe sees but refuses to enter into an authentic marriage relationship ..complete with offering insiights to his views…
He blames me for all of the disconnect and not being a better mind reader.
The way the Word exposes his lies and defines how his ways appear from that point of view have caused him to reject God and the WORD more …and me for sure.
I don’t see how going to a counselor will help as we have been to one together and he went secretly to one but claimed it was because he was having difficulty with the way the company he worked for and the economy was going and his need to talk over how to help his employees!
He simply has a great difficulty taking a look at himself and owning his stuff in a way that would cause him to ask himself what he can do to make some good adjustments in how he thinks.
He runs from conversations that take any kind of turn toward self examination.
He casts ‘blame’ in terms of what MY response or reactions to his behavior are the ‘problem’
He has been given many little ways he could help me through this …but it seems like with KNOWLEDGE provided it gives him MORE ways to demonstrate rejection …As if with that knowledge he has a new supply of what I need and what would help our marriage and he then can refuse to do any of it and say it is impossible ….
NONE of what I have asked is impossible as he has demonstrated very well his ability to apply those things in all of his other relationships.
AND in our earliest years he was proactive and very good at doing the little things that built love.
He wants sex and ‘love’ on his terms only and only to the point he gets what he wants from the other person.
I am not sure what to do about it ….if I say nothing and make my own life despite being ‘married’ is is no marriage and it does not make us a couple …it would be just as it was as he was in adultery.
His involvement with the children of adultery leaves me with nothing of a ‘couplehood’ accept to make decisions about what he can do with them …or buy them …
This is to some degree good but it should not be a ‘replacement’ for the effort , time and energy that should be put into OUR relationship.
I feel like my life …and our daughters is just a platform for his ‘grand ‘ life….He pays the bills and we are his ‘people’ in the warehouse of his homebase.
I am older now .once in good physical shape and health. I am not sick ..and still look pretty good but I feel GUTTED…though I love the Lord and am contiuning to know that my relationship with the Lord is the strength and the wisdom of my life…and is the purpose of it….I am now feeling drained …tired….I stay up very late so I can be tired enough to sleep . My aches and pains have returned on my left side…for many years I sought help from all kinds of specialists and no one could figure it out.
Funny ..upon D DAY the pain ceased ….until now …five years later …all on one side….at points near joints but only soft tissue ..one doc said it fibromyalgia….who knows…I think it is directly linked to this stress of being unloved …no affectionate touches …being pretty much told I am not worthy of his putting energy into our relationship …and even more …he is willing to accept that this kind of demonstration is hurting our daughters and says he ‘gives up ‘ there is no ‘fixing it’
I also see that his choices of WHERE and WHO he willing to apply care are all people who have superficial contact with him …including the children of the adultery,…>He says he hopes he dies before they get old enough to really know about him …
This is so sad …and he simply WILL NOT do anything about it …
Sorry for the venting …I feel so trapped….I do not believe in divorce…and I am not interested in getting into any relationship with a new man even if I felt it was OK ….
OH …BOO HOO ! ….I am just having a pity party now …sorry….but it is not without justification ..but it is also not helpful in any constructive way either…..sigh.