I Just Want My Marriage To Be The Way It Used To Be

 

 

 

 

 

 

The statement “I just want my marriage to be the way it used to be” has destroyed many marriages. Although you may have made that statement in a moment of frustration or desperation, the results can still be more destructive than constructive.

The reality is that when an affair happens, everything changes. You can’t go back. Wanting what once existed is no longer a realistic option.

Sure, you can hold onto the fantasies that you had about your marriage in previous times. By holding onto the fantasies, you will always find disappointment with the ‘real thing’.

Real relationships never measure up to the fantasies. Real people and real relationships are messy. They are more intense, more rewarding and more painful. There are joys and disappointments. There are moments of excitement and times of boredom. That’s real life.

Going back to the ‘way it was’ also involves going back into a stage of denial that existed previously. Now that the Pandora’s Box of the affair is opened, you can not undo what has happened.

Clinging to the past only makes the present harder to forgive and move past. You’ll have to decide whether or not you want a relationship with your spouse.

That includes their cheating and all that goes with it. They can’t give you what no longer exists. (If it were possible to do that, I would have my wife give me back my blue 1968 Chevrolet Corvette convertible that I sold long ago.)

It is fun to replay the dream of what was. When an affair happens, you have to face the reality of “what is”.

You have to consider if you want to move past what happened. You do have a choice over how much it impacts your marriage. You do have a choice over when the hurt from the affair stops.

Wanting the marriage to go back in time only prolongs the pain. I recently talked about some of the cheater’s fantasies. The dream of going back is often the resolute spouse’s fantasy. Each spouse’s fantasies has dangerous consequences.

Instead, the two of you can rediscover each other, including the flaws and imperfections. The affair likely revealed weaknesses that you were either unaware of or ignored.

Together the two of you can accomplish many things, including healing your marriage. In the Affair Recovery Workshop, I address how you can establish a new foundation, since the previous one of trust is damaged.

What happened changed both of you. Now is the time that each of you need the other. This time though, both of your eyes will be more wide open. You’ll also see each other more realistically, which includes seeing each others needs. Now the two of you can come up with better ways of meeting those needs than by means of an affair.

Best Regards,

Jeff

 

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