At times you may view your marriage relationship as having no future. You may even ask yourself or others “Would you stay in a relationship with no future?” The question itself expresses hopelessness and despair. The sad part is that many cheaters use this question as one of their reasons for affairs. Although they use the question as a way to push themselves away from their spouse, the question is not so much directed at their marriage as it is toward the affair relationship. The marriage has a future, while the affair relationship has none. While in their ‘cheating mode’, they do not see this. In the cheater’s mind, the world is topsy-turvy. The hopeless becomes their future, while the hopeful is what they cast aside.
People choose to stay in relationships with no future all the time. Some do all they can to remove hope from the relationship. They just do not realize the hopelessness until they are ‘in too deep’.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
3 Responses
Boy have you said a “mouthful’ . I perceive that my husband has kept all of his involvements with people are a comfortable distance ….for what reason? Fear of intimacy? Selfishness? Immaturity …? All may be the ‘reasons’ or better identified as ‘rationalizations.
It is interesting to me that young people today are seemingly ‘not interested ‘ in marriage ,…this may be for the reasons as stated in my above comments OR it may be that they have had no modeling of what a true marriage IS …and no one stepping up to supply information to them as they have grown up in a “sexualized’ society that pounds into them the idea that life is ALL ABOUT sex…
Without a father and mother who know and model godly marriage…and without a motive to desire to learn about marriage …and the societal view presently more and more that marriage is ‘old fashioned’ …a ‘doomed arrangement ‘ or a hope of something not attainable as if it in itself is a product that delivers to your door like the pizza delivery guy…these people feel ill equipped to have ‘successful marriages’ until they find their ‘soul mate” which destructive trial and error search for ‘talent ‘ becomes an endless search for ‘the one’ as soon as relational elements of REAL LIFE hit their romance !
My husband is nearly ten years younger…in that time span during the past several generations the speed with which changes in people’s views of love, sex, romance , marriage , identity and gender have changed radically and with little time to ‘catch one’s breath”!
In the past there were differences between generations that were slower and still evoked in carnal people a smirk at the elders and the old ways …Today there is a form of ‘tolerance’ for the differences between the things of one generation to the next …but it is not the honor and respect that used to be the rule …
New is the ‘thing’ and anything not OF that trend is passe and worth little to the needs of the newest generation .
This is one of the ways that the society has been effectually kept the whole culture in a state of radical transition as a move toward more and more breaking with the past …and the God who called all of mankind to Himself for HIS glory and purposes.
If newest really IS better then HOW come things are so chaotic and falling apart and fewer are clued to the great offering of God for our good…in family ..in marriage …life throughout!
The wealthies and ‘prettiest’ among us …say Hollywood are fraught with all kinds of things they hide or flaunt depending upon what is acceptable at the time or makes the most impact for those with the most to gain from more and more sinful living
Sex SELLS is not secret …what used to be shocking or forbidden is having to extend it’s boarders more and more to achieve the same shock value that drives the message deeper into the depths of effecting the minds of those who strive for the ‘answer’ to what itches.
All of what USED to be shameful and hidden has ridden the rollercoaster of going from side lined to the ‘other side of the tracks’ to being a ‘secret’ …to being tolerated …to being accepted …to being normalized and finally ‘legalized ‘ by man’s legislature
By the time the masses decide to speak up the damage has been done and very difficult to reverse.
We see it now in every last once revered aspect …legislature…executive …judicial ..all of those areas where we once held the values of morality HIGH and integrity was a treasure …all have been exploited and used in media to demoralize and cause people to think that sin is acceptable, and only bigots and old fogies or prudes care about morality that matters and does not harm
But it is interesting to observe how even as we condemn sinful exposures of public figures as we sit watching the evening news…year after year there was this condemnation agreed upon about adultery ,lying and stealing ALL THE WHILE it was being something my own husband was DOING HIMSELF !
It is astonishing how the mind of a cheater is able to do such things. If it is INTENTIONAL and with plenty of knowledge and TIME to stop and quit …it is MORE than a ‘fog’ that is in effect here …it is a deep condition of not caring …BUT GOOD at portraying what ‘caring ‘ looks like
As I take the time to look carefully at the ‘track record’ of my husband’s behavior over the past 30+ years I see that he has always had something to keep distance and some “stash” of his independent identity hidden away .
I did not see it …did not realize THAT was what he was doing ..what was going on ..in fact until D DAY I did not know he kept a checking account in his own name! HE said he always had it …but he just didn’t change it …that is 30 years of ‘forgetting ‘ or not thinking it was anything important to do …I did not realize this because I was taught that talking about money was ‘rude’ and even in ministry it was sort of easy to let him take care of this since it as HIS strong suit …handling money . As his career grew I knew I would always have our needs met but I was taught by example that it was the wife’s ‘contribution’ to the household to be a good steward …and be frugal …even self sacrificial for the future …
We started out with both of us having been involved in fellowship , running classes , and study of the word …but when he changed careers and started to advance and make more and more income the agreement to conference about anything being bought over an agreed upon amount dropped off ..for HIM …but I continued to have a conference before spending …mainly because I did not KNOW how much money he made or we had …and I felt I was provided for and to be thankful and not too much thought about money
How I got this idea I think came from some of what scripture seemed to say about not being too concentrated on money …that was simply foolish and an area where I needed more instruction and understanding
This was not wasted upon my husband who apparently was happy to be able to live as he did and hide a WHOLE LOT of what he was doing from me
Anyway …by way of his career and the growth of his responsiblities there he was able to offer great ‘reasons ‘ why he ‘needed ‘ to take his office people for drinks after work to ‘keep up office morale’ …then he had to play golf with clients. ..there went Saturday and Sundays….He then added an adulteress which became ‘more work’ to do …so he was late …or too tired to relate to me …and then DDAY and then it became not the OW but the children of the adultery that was a ‘convenient ‘ and ‘unavoidable ‘ ‘responsiblity ‘ that he could not ignore…with that he moved from our bedroom
My point of view is that his connection with the children was not our problem except for his lying about it ..for two more years while feigning ‘work ‘ on our marriage and healing .,..the thing that seems to be the pattern is that HE has thrown all kinds of walls in the path of relating to anyone ….
Even on vacations ..we only went on them when someone else either gave us or invited us to join …but even on those trips we were never alone and he planned many activities for himself ..and left me to be with strangers while he played Golf ..after all we were in ‘paradise ‘ and how could I be so unthankful to complain.
If he had wanted to connect with the children he could have had that discussion …in fact I even brought it up a few times asking him if he felt he needed to connect due to a medical issue I found out about …it seems the truth is that HE had had contact from the OW and was already involved with the child.
So he lied to me for two more years
He seems to be one of those guys who does not want a divorce or to let go of anyone ..but does not want to do FOR those relationships WHAT others in those need from him ,
He is unwilling to change.
Living upstairs suits him …he has all the ‘relating ‘ HE needs with us …and we have our bills paid…so what is the problem?
The ‘problem” is ….it is SIN ..it violates the marriage VOWS
I believe ANY act …even a ‘good ‘ act …such as being in contact with those children is a VIOLATION against GOD …HIS MARRIAGE …our FAMILY and even those children
He is taking what is meant for the marriage and giving it away and withholding because he says he cannot do more ..in other-words he WON”T do more in terms of being a HUSBAND in truth
HE KNOWS what to do ….but refuses to DO it ..because he WANTS to cause those children to become MORE dependent upon him though he cannot fulfill what they will become more and more expecting from him
This is fraud…
I realize some people commit adultery and defile their spouses in order to force THEM to make the discision to devorce…because they do not want to appear to look like the ‘bad guy’ ! I have read where ‘more women’ file for divorce than men …GEE that sounds like it’s WOMEN that are the homebreakers…but I wonder if it is not the treatment and abuse that they suffer from the way they are being bated and treated in the marriage that is the cause for that statistic? Also many statistics of divorce are due to ‘repeat’ ‘offenders’ so to speak …as we have been learning 2nd marriages and so on do not fair well/…
I wonder if that is not a confirmation that GOD is RIGHT! ….Marriages to others while the first spouse lives is adultery …not many like that statistic…but I am not able to find any other way to understand what Jesus said …I keep my mind meek to learn however …I cannot imagine any woman …or man being expected to remain in a home where violence and other severe behaviors threaten safety of the family .
Actually adultery INVITES violence …if not from within the marriage members there is the ‘unknown ‘ factor of the OP …who as the news reports sadly reveal …sometimes come unglued…and tragedy results …
ANY number of things can occur once the door opens to those who do not belong in the marriage!
Anyway …As I obey the Lord to the best of my ability to learn what I should do …I remain in HIS hand
The trust in Jesus Christ has rescued me many times over the years …looking back is one way to see how many times the hand of the LORD protected me …and even in His grace He has called for those forgiven to be wise..AND to GROW UP in their faith …and learn to avoid damages to everyone ..including our Lord’s heart….
He is not unfaithful to perform all of His will and those that put their trust in HIM will not be disappointed …if they do not faint …in due time they will reap …SOW the WORD into your mind…it is a refuse when confusion tries to overtake you.!
Er,,,I meant ‘it is a “REFUGE” not refuse!!in that last sentence
🙂