When you’re dealing with narcissism and affairs there are many unique challenges. Narcissists have an active mental life.
They often choose lovers which they either can or have introjected. That means that they have taken into themselves and their heart an image of the lover.
With extreme narcissism the lover will have many attributes similar to their own. When they interact with the lover, they’re in essence loving themselves.
What that means for you is that you will have two battlefields, the one in their head/heart and the one in the real world. Removing the physical lover from your life is only half the battle.
You’ll also have to take steps removing the introjected lover (e.g. the lover fantasy).
In order to deal with the introjected lover, it’s important knowing what they think and fantasize about. The danger is that in asking them, you’ll have to listen without reacting, no matter how weird it gets.
In listening to them, remember that the lover is operating like an extension of themselves and what they need. If you get defensive, it’ll be a long time before they open up to you again.
The imagined lover will have to be neutralized in terms of having power over the cheater.
The cheater needs to believe and feel that you can meet their needs better than the lover. They may not want to hear that you can do better than their lover, since the lover is surrounded by fantasy.
You may need to confront the cheater on what the real lover is like, so that they can separate themselves from the lover fantasy.
Fighting conflicts on two fronts will wear you down. This is where joining a support community like Restored Lifestyle can help.
There’s plenty of situations where you need another set of eyes or someone to hear you out, or a place to go for more information. The community is one of those places.
Best Regards,
Jeff
8 Responses
This post makes a lot of sense .,..However …getting a person to open up is difficult. I used to believe my husband before marriage was just a very good listener. I should have paid more attention to his lack of responses and reciprocal contributions to conversations…Later in life as I observed him in social situations he was good at ‘mirroring’ …except in conversations concerning work topics….I always thought of him as very empathetic….as well but now I am wondering if this was not just another symptom of being a form of ’empty suit”
He was a psych major in college and seems to be able to evaluate a ‘good hire’ and is good at creating ‘team’ culture in the work place. It is a strong suit . He is [ or was] a very positive and upbeat person…something that translated into more and more carelessness in areas of moral choices.
He has never used drugs…has always been what might be called a ‘social drinker’ and not usually to any excess…but when in a party atmosphere less concerned about things like my feelings or loyalty to me ….I was included in less and less of his social situations that related to his work …I was always conducting myself soberly and ladylike…but had feedback from others confirming that I was gregarious and polite and witty .
I am not sure my husband is “A” narcissist but the decline in his growing by following the Lord was papable as his social life became more and more among those who were critical and mocking of morality. As the Word says …”evil companions corrupt good morals’
I have not been able to know what he is thinking …he tells me he does not know….in retrospect he told me he ‘felt invincible’ ….Knowing how his climb up the corporate ladder was going swiftly I have to say the decline in his attitude was something I was seeing and even asking him about …but he was not open to sharing …He simply made up a separate life for himself and there was nothing much I could do about it …The hours a man in corporate fast track keeps offers him a LOT of autonomy in terms of what they are doing and where they are in truth.
He told me that he felt since I was so serious and invested in the faith and he was not interested in being so and that being a husband and father was ‘boring’ he made up his mind that we just had different lives …He said he did not think he had any right to try to make me give up my faith.
I have to say that the Bible warns that people who do not become ‘rooted ‘ and ‘grounded’ in the faith ..will fall away due to the offerings of the world or due to persecution that comes when you make your life about following Jesus Christ ….this is NOT about church it is about the daily faith building and relationship that I intentionally have kept on with through years. When I would not give this up …my husband made the decision to live his life on his own terms …no concern about what that meant to me and our children.
SO he was not ‘abusive’ by many people’s definition …but neglect and withdrawal of all kinds of what a married couple should expect to share…..and lying …stealing …of time and eventually all resources….is a rip off of the LIFE that a spouse should expect from what the proposal and vows declare.
Coming to terms with the person who you have been convinced WANTS to live the rest of their life WITH you …but finding out that they are easily convinced that OTHERS opinions of the person they married being negative because they choose to follow Christ and become morally more and more corrected …is difficult
My husband being a nice guy …generous, and sensitive ….never seemed like the kind of person who could do such a horribly damaging thing to anyone…let alone someone he claimed to love ….and especially CHILDREN ! but that is the effect his desire to be admired and affirmed by those who mattered to him …the people OUTSIDE of this marriage …..
What a terrible thing it is NOW to see him awaken to the reality of what he has chosen to live like…and now he feels there is no purpose to making any effort to ‘make up ‘ for what he has done….he is sad …down and tired all the time …
I try to give him love and take care of whatever I can …but for the longest time he has not wanted to “RECEIVE ” love from me …years ago I used to meet him at the door as many books and seminars tell wives to do …to great him and hug him and make his homecoming a joyful event….He used to pry my arms off and say ‘ You shouldn’t love me’ ….I was shocked …I would ask HOW he could say such things! …NOW I realize he had a HUGE guilty conscience.
I feel he needs help but he will not go …the last psych he went to …he said was to try to understand himself …but it did not help …he did not come clean with that guy or the one we went to …It seems as soon as anyone gets too close to the truth ..he flees …
I continue to pray and ‘be there’ .letting him know I am supportive of his effort to make some kind of impact for good for the children of the adultery since they did not deserve being born into this situation …
His guilt is still seemingly his ‘comfort’ …sadly …
Wow, where to start? Introjected, good word. I had to look that one up.
Just Me,
A good place to start is to have some idea of what you are really dealing with. When you know what you are up against, how your enemy functions (the thinking behind the affair is the enemy, not your spouse), does things and what is needed to keep the pattern going, then you can develop a plan to interrupt the cycles and dynamics.
My Dear ZAZA,
What you have described in your many comments most certainly fits the definition of abuse and that your husband has a full-blown disordered persona.
These things are not indicative of what kind of person you are at heart, so it is really OK to to say that he is disordered, is a N or whatever best describes him.
l do not especially like ‘labels’, but they do help to understand just what it is we are talking about, sort of like symptoms of physical diseases. That is totally different than saying a person is ‘worthless.’ That is a term or label one should never use!! But, to get a handle on things so it does not destroy your soul along with his, it really is OK to describe his symptoms.
Anyway…..gotta go now. Just had some random thoughts floating around. Sorry if this sounds disconnected…..Busy day!
Love to all……
Hope to post late
Jeff,
You hit this right on the head.. the fantasy (even though they see each other every weekday) is s strong….however open and strong i am… it is impossible to break though. She tells me she is going to stay with me forever. Then says she will always do what she wants. Normal loving one minute. Yelling at me for nothing. The next min yelling .. I’ve been down the long discussion of what she sees in him, what can I do to make her feel better about herself and us. Of course initially…over 2 years ago. I didn’t have as much tolerance for listening to “insane ” explanations. But now I try desperately to retain my patience. And hear it out. She only state that he accepts her for who she is… that she can be with me and he still accepts her. However he has told her that he hates every minute she is with me….
I don’t really know how to get her to open up on this. She denies.lies. knows I know she is lying. And I can’t hide the body language when she lies.. despite being calm. She won’t open up other than one line answers. Because, as she says, “why do you want to discuss that and start a fight.” Any discussion is a “fight ” even if I just listen…which IS a very difficult thing to do….. As soon as they say something WRONG… like. I just want to have fun. Or I think I really needed the affair to deal with life. Or. I just really need to do something that makes me feel good. Or.. i really think you need to accept me because he does. does.. hethat’s what he does… he doesn’t judge me. You want e
itsbeen so long,
With the dramatic changes that you describe, it sounds like something deep. When these changes occur, does she change in her appearance and mood as well? If so, you may want to write to me privately so that I can tell you some detailed information about some ways to approach it.
Yes her mood dramatically changes…she gets extremely angry….confrontational. and yells and physically comes at me until I literally run away. Usually after saying “what did I do wrong, you are the one who is cheating ” which really is not right but ends it…
How do I contact you privately ….
I sincerely appreciate the help. This has been going on for three years.
itsbeen so long,
My email is jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com .