Your spouse has probably told you that that they can’t just turn off the feelings they have for their lover. Had they never strayed in their affections, then issues like turning off their feelings would’ve never happened.
If they never turned on the feelings, then they would never have to deal with turning them off. The cheater is partially right.
Turning off the feelings isn’t easy. Like any fire, before putting out the fire, you need to cut off the fuel.
If there’s no fuel, the fire eventually burns itself out. In terms of you dealing with the lover, they will need to cut off all contact with them.
Even limited contact will keep the fires of the affair burning.
Once contact is cut off, you will have to give it time for the passion to die. They may want to stop the feelings right away.
Bear in mind quick fixes to problems contributed to the problem in the first place. Looking for quick solutions to the affair will do more to aggravate the problem rather than solve it.
You’ll have to give the relationship time to suffocate. While the passions of the affair die out, you will want to work on improving the communication and passion in your marriage.
The video “Preventing Affair Relapse” provides more in-depth information on ways of stopping the relationship with the lover. The cleaner the break, the greater the chances for your marriage.
Turning off the feelings can be done by following these steps:
1. Shut off access to the lover.
2. Give the feelings and excitement time to die down.
3. Rebuild the passion in your marriage.
Note: There may be relapses or anniversary reactions to the affair. These likely occur on anniversaries of key dates associated with the affair or occur when trigger events are set off.
Trigger events can be songs, movies, places, foods, activities or smells associated with the affair. It will take time to develop a new association with the former trigger.
New brain pathways can be developed, yet they will need to be stronger and/or more consistent with those associated with the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
He will not admit to triggers or memories….and all of life seems to be triggers for me because of the way their adultery included every aspect of our marriage in terms of events time , child birth, house buying and then some.
It seems I have been the ‘roomate’ , housekeeper, teacher while she was the ‘wife’ of his dreams…It is sad…Life is full but empty of the most core relationship that I thought mattered to him …
Zaza,
In terms of triggers, whether they admit it or not, the triggers exist. To avoid dealing with the triggers, many men section off portions of their life. They often separate the many parts and work at keeping them separate. I view this as a type of fragmentation. The more people fragment, the more ‘out of touch’ they become with themselves, their spouses and their lives. Healing comes from putting things together, not separating the portions. In many ways, what you are describing sounds like a man who has separated the lover from his wife. Although they should be synonymous, cheaters often separate them. I recall in the movie “Analyze This”, the mob boss makes a comment that the things that his lover does, he would not expect from his wife. This is an illustration of what I am talking about.
Physiologically, there are always associations related to triggers.
I have no doubt about this …even with the renewed mind we know our past ….in walking after the Lord the difference is that any past sin we have committed we become THANKFUL in recognition of just how awesome God’s mercy and forgiveness is in that we are given time to repent and turn to follow Jesus Christ.
I do see sorrow in my husband but he does not reach out to me and actually withdraws from any of my efforts to demonstrate love or forgiveness. I think it is that he is not willing to forgive himself and too proud to seek it in the Lord
In my understanding of this it is a dangerous state of mind and heart for him to be in.
It is as if he cannot go back and is unwilling to go forward. We all suffer as he does this .
He refuses to get any help or doing anything more than just get through the day . His work , which used to be a refuge and pleasure for him even in economically challenging times does not even lift his spirits.
I feel this is something of a self determined punishment. It is his statement that he is going to go to Hell and he can’t wait to die!
Saying this sounds sincere especially when he looks so defeated but it also is somewhat threatening to me and our daughters who love him and have depended upon him …not just financially but in all of the ways one’s life is intertwined in family.
It is sad that some men refuse to take part and take responsibility for the various aspects of their jurisdiction as husband and father …they miss so much and they steal from the lives of those in their care.
I find it odd that his behavior after sex is that he always would jump right up and go to the bathroom and clean up ….he said that was the way he was with the OW too . it was just what he said he was taught …to clean up so as not to get some kind of urinary tract infection…I have heard of this for women but did not hear o it for men. It certainly made it seem like he was not interested in loving but in the action….
For a man who has sought out sexual activity with so many women and cheated for the express reason that I was not able to perform when pregnant I find this very strange . Wanting to have sex but not wanting to enjoy the afterglow.
So difficult to realize this in someone who has seemed so together in so many other areas of life.