In the continuing series on what to do to improve your marriage after the affair, the next challenge is “listening to your spouse”.
It’s easy listening to them when they tell you what you want to hear. What about when the tell you what you don’t want to hear? That’s when you really need to listen.
Yes, the times you need to listen most is when you least want to hear what they have to say.
If you hope to connect with them again, you will have to understand how they feel and how they view events. There will be a part of you that wishes to confront, argue and interrupt them.
You’ll have to put a leash on those tendencies if you want intimacy back. There is a saying, “You can be right, or be in relationship”. When you’re taking steps of rebuilding intimacy, this saying is one you need to remind yourself of.
(Note: This assumes that you and your spouse have already worked through the affair issues! If you have not established honesty and addressed the issues, you’re not ready for this step. In other words, do not pass go, do not collect anything).
Now that you’re working on putting the relationship back, you’ll need to hear them out without interruption. This may require you to remind yourself that listening to them does NOT mean that you agree with them or approve of what they are telling you.
Hearing them out is a way of showing them that you love them. They need your love, much like you need theirs. On hearing them out, consider what they are telling you. Try to understand what they are saying along with the context.
When you interrupt them, they’ll shut down and you’ll loose access to their heart for a while. At this point you want them to open their heart to you. Their recollection of things will be different than yours. You need to hear them out if you ever expect them to hear you out.
If you need to decompress after hearing them out, that is understandable. Realize that you are hearing their ‘truth’ or their version of things. At this point consider the main goal that you are after of rebuilding the intimacy in your marriage.
For more ‘how tos’ concerning improving your marital communication, the video “We need to talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” is where I show you other ways of getting them to open up and avoiding the temptation to argue.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
good advice….however in my case….it has been such a lengthy process to try to get information …along with my husband is such a nice but skilled liar it is simply difficult to talk over anything other than “what’s for dinner” and “how was your day ‘ sorts of things. He said he is ‘finished’ talking or trying to make any more progress in our marriage . He is focused upon trying to get out of the hole financially and dealing with the children of the OW…..we have a pretty ‘boarding ‘ house sort of arrangement. I miss love …he prefers if I do not offer any affection nor expect any….I miss giving love but he does not want me to extend any affection to him whatsoever.
Sad way to end a 33 year marriage…I pray for God to work in me and through me for His ways to deal with this ….guess I am growing more patience…ugh!
I am having major struggles with listening to my husband without arguing, interrupting, talking over. It is a huge problem between us and it is not only making recovery hard, it is making it nearly impossible. He had a 3 month affair with a co-worker one year ago–he left the me and our 2 girls for her when they were discovered and they were both fired. He came home 3 days later and has not had contact since then, to my knowledge. You mention in parenthesis above the need to work through the affair issues. Can you give a little clarity about what it means to work through the affair issues? What does that process entail and how can I know if we’ve done that and are ready for what you write about in the article? Do you maybe have another article that would help me understand?
Angie,
Thank you for your comments and questions. During the first six weeks, the feelings may be too raw and intense to ‘problem solve’. The venting has to be done before problem solving. I will make it a point to do some posts on this in the next few weeks.
Best Regards,
Jeff