There are some spouses who take the attitude of “What they don’t know won’t hurt them”. These people play their cards close to their chest. They keep secrets from their spouses thinking that all is well. They only let their spouses know portions of their past. In some cases, they are ashamed of some of the things that they did in their lives. They think that had you known those things that you may not have ‘loved’ them or married them. Unfortunately, after they marry, they often keep up the same patterns. When such patterns are continued, they become irritants to the marriage. The meaning associated with them is no longer about shame, after a few years the secrets become associated with distrust. Like old leftovers, these old secrets start to stink and take up emotional space in your relationship.
The question then arises, as to what is the best time to share such secrets? There is never a ‘great’ time. There are more bad times than good times to share such things. If those things do not matter to you, let your spouse know it. They will view you telling them that as a relief. If they do bother you, let your spouse know that keeping those things ‘secret’ bothers you. Removing the secrets will help improve the intimacy. The recovery community often points out that “You’re as sick as your secrets”. As a group, they are correct in this area. They understand the power of secrets and how they can hurt you. One area of secrets that can continue hurting is that of affairs and health issues directly related to affairs. When your spouse sleeps with you, they become exposed to all the things you have been exposed to. If you have been exposed to some of the many kinds of nastiness out there, you need to let your spouse know. If your spouse has been exposed to such things, you also want to know that. Sudden surprises like being diagnosed with a STD that you had no idea where it came from is quite embarrassing and could be life threatening.
Such secrets can hurt you and even kill you. Secrets can also kill the trust in a relationship.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
