Blaming can deceive you. After you find someone to blame for the affair, you mind presumes closure. Your mind also presumes that blaming somehow explains what happened. Blaming also short circuits your search for answers and explanations. The assumption is that now that you have someone to blame, you no longer need to be doing any serious search for answers. This is how blame tricks you. Blame does not explain things, it does not close things, nor does it end the search for answers.
You will have to go through the blaming stage. You can not cheat that part of recovery. Although you have to go through the blaming, you do not have to be deceived by it. Blaming is just another stage in a long process. It is not the end of that process.
When you blame, you identify the person or object that you consider ‘at fault’ for the affair. Besides having identified who or what is at fault, you are also placing condemnation on the object of your blame. So it is not just finding the target and painting it. You are also taking a shot at that target. Blame also has a long association with sin. When you blame, you put the ‘sin’ of the affair on the object of your blame. Like the proverbial scape goat, all the sin is heaped on that ‘person’ or thing. Blame, guilt and sin are often running buddies. They have an inter-relationship that often creates condemnation and confusion. They often feed off of each other keeping the blaming going, generating more guilt and all the while, taking you and the object of your blame deeper into sin. Like quicksand, it is best to avoid getting too deep into the mess.
Once you have completed your blaming. You are in a new mess. You have what you think is an ‘explanation’ for the affair, yet you are no closer to getting your marriage fixed. The blame took care of what already happened, but it is not changing things nor is it making things better. This is where you have to choose whether to dwell in the past, living an existence filled with re-runs of the affair, or make some changes in your relationship which include repairing what needs to be fixed, and creating a new future.
Blaming does not mean that the person you blamed will accept your blame. They may in turn blame someone else. The someone else may also blame others as well. It creates a game of emotional and relational ‘hot potato’. Each party passes the blame onto others, avoiding the condemnation that often comes with blame. Everyone avoids responsibility for their actions, yet everyone feels relieved since they found someone else to blame for the affair.
Maybe it is time that you get off the merry-go-round of blame and start making much needed changes in yourself and your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
