Affairs and Lies MP3 <<–Listen to the podcast
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Today we’re going to be dealing with one of the important topics that you are going to find yourself faced with as you are in the process of recovering from an affair. And that problem is recognizing lies.
Lies and affairs seem to go together like peanut butter and jelly, or how night follows day. They’re there. It’s hard to find one without the other.
Now, when you’re dealing with a situation that has so many lies, there’s a difficulty that you encounter. Which is how do I recognize them? How do I know when they’re lying to me? We’re going to be talking about that today.
When it comes to lies keep in mind that lies are designed to deceive and hide. Besides deceiving and hiding they want to keep you away from the truth. Because if you knew the truth you’d make some different choices. So the person who’s lying to you, in this case the cheater, they want you to keep doing what you’ve always been doing. Don’t make any changes, don’t rock the boat. And that’s the way they want to keep it. And they will tell you lies to keep you from seeing what is actually going on.
In terms of a solution, or what to do about that, before you can eliminate the lies you’ve got to recognize them. And that’s what we’re going to be talking about today.
To try to make it easier to remember the information, an Enneagram of what we’re going to cover will spell out PIG. Much like trying to catch a greased pig, it’s quite a challenge, many times recognizing the lies and catching the liar in the midst of it can be equally as strenuous. So let’s start off.
First off, the P part. Patterns. Cheaters, like many people, are creatures of habit. They tend to follow patterns. What you’re going to want to look for in their patterns when they don’t do what they typically do, that’s going to alert you to things. This may be financial, it may be travel plans, it may be phone use, Internet, etc. When they are deviating from their usual pattern you need to be asking questions.
If you’ve got a spouse who used to openly share about finances, leave statements around, leave bank statements around, credit card statements, and all of a sudden they have them start being sent to the office or they become real secretive about it, that’s definitely a change in pattern.
If you have somebody who comes home like clockwork within about 15 minutes of a regular time every day, and all of a sudden they start showing up two hours late day after day, you may want to check into it.
If you’ve got someone who is used to leaving their phone around, no big deal, you can use it whenever you want, all of a sudden they become secretive and they put a lock on it and they’re not letting you into it, that should alert you to something.
Besides patterns you also want to look for incongruences. An incongruence is where their behavior does not line up with what they say. Liars, many times, know that you’re going to try to cue in to what they say. And many times they will work on trying to craft just the right thing to say, because your mind hears it and wants to believe it. And they know that. They’ve lived with you long enough to know how you work. And many times they will use that against you.
You have to start looking at what they do, rather than get caught up in what they say. When the two don’t line up with each other that should let you know there’ s a lie, there’s a deceit, somewhere in what’s going on. Things are not adding up.
The last one is G, gut. In terms of recognizing lies you’re going to have to learn to listen to and trust your gut.
Cheaters know how to manipulate your head, as well as your heart. They know what to say and in some cases they may be sophisticated and know what to do. This is where your gut comes in.
Some of you have probably been ignoring your gut for a long long time. And typically whenever we don’t pay attention to our gut it’s to our own demise.
Now, bear with me just for a second. How many times has your gut led you astray? If you’re like most people, not very often. If we compare that to how many times that your head or your heart, when you’ve listened to them, have led you astray, hmm. See the pattern?
When you realize that your gut has not led you astray it may wake you up to the realization you need to start trusting it.
It may help if I go ahead and explain a little bit why. Bear in mind that in our brain there’s millions upon millions of nerve cells. But that’s not the only place where there’s nerve cells. There are also nerve cells in your heart, and also in your gut. And those nerve cells and the processing of information and sensations, that’s typically what we consider thinking. Those nerve cells, many times, will pick up on things. Things that science is only beginning to understand. It will sense things, many times, before your head or your heart knows things. Because it is using nerve cells to process information as well.
Rather than use it just for digestion, start paying attention to it. It can make a difference as to whether or not you fall for a lie. Because many times things will sound good, but somehow it just doesn’t feel right. That’s what you’re looking for.
Once again, let me go ahead and review. You’re looking for patterns, when there are deviations from the patterns, that should alert you. When there are incongruences, where what they say and what they do are not lining up, that should alert you. And gut. Listen to your gut.
In this series with Affair Recovery Radio, we’re going to be presenting solutions such as these that you can apply today, right now. Even before you finish the call you can start doing these things. Practical, every day solutions.
Why don’t you go ahead and get started on that, and prepare for the next Affair Recovery Radio session where we will be dealing with another aspect of affair recovery. Until then, goodbye.
