Dealing with the Snake Pit <<– Listen to the podcast
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I want to welcome you to another session. Today’s topic is what I call dealing with the snake den.
You may wonder what are you talking about with the snake den? Well, what I’m referring to in using the term snake pit is there may be friends or family members who do all the lying for the cheater. I use the metaphor of a snake pit because when you’re dealing with lying on a large scale, that involves family, that involves a bunch of friends, a bunch of people covering for them, it’s very similar to dealing with a whole den of vipers.
We have talked in a couple of the previous sessions about the problems with lies and confronting liars. When this is on a large scale it calls for some different ways of handling it, and that’s what we’re going to be talking about today because you’ve got a compound problem.
You’ve got not only this poison or this toxin of lies, but it’s compounded by having to deal with that poison with a pack mentality. When you get that many people together it gets like you’re dealing with a pack of wolves. Just this group mentality.
When they’re functioning like a wold pack that is a tough situation to have to deal with.
In terms of dealing with that I’m going to use the anagram here that I call raising the bar, because the solution is going to be BAR, and I’ll explain that here in just a moment.
First off, boundaries. This is the B part. You’re going to need to set boundaries to protect yourself from them. When you’re dealing with a group you may have to make it a point to limit the amount of time that you have with them, put limits on what gets discussed, various types of boundaries like that.
As you head into holiday season, holidays are a time that these packs tend to like to ambush people. You need to be on guard of that. That’s definitely a high risk time. And many times with cheaters these groups will come and they’ll support the cheater and view you as the bad guy. When you deal with them, rather than charge into them, set boundaries. If you try to take on the pack without any kind of boundaries you’re doomed. That’s why you want to go ahead and avoid that type of scenario. Set boundaries.
You’re not being an SOB or bitch or whatever they want to call you, for setting the boundaries. You are protecting yourself, you’re protecting your family. And you’re going to have to be okay because they may resort to name-calling. They may resort to provocative statements, and we’ll deal with that with the second part here. But you’re going to have to set the boundaries.
You can set boundaries on things such as time, where you meet them, what gets discussed. There’s various other ways to set boundaries and you have to be comfortable setting boundaries. If you’re not comfortable now’s the time to go ahead and start getting some practice.
Second point, or second part of the solution, is to avoid provocation. I like to use the image of trying to remove a hook. If you’ve ever gone out fishing you know that there are some fish that know how to get the hook out of their mouth. Many times when you’re dealing with this pack mentality they will say things, either provocative things or put questions or statements in such a way that they hook you.
When you’ve been in those situations and they give you the hook and have this look, ha ha got you know, that type of stuff. Once you have been in that situation a couple times you will recognize the sound that they make. You will recognize the look on the face when they know that they’ve got you.
For this reason you want to, first of all, Avoid provocation. If you can’t avoid it start learning how to unhook yourself. Because they are going to try to hook you. This may mean that you’re going to have to turn down gifts and favors that these people do you. Because although it seems innocent, these things have hooks.
There’s going to be some type of payback or they’re going to use it for any kind of leverage. I know that you may be in financial straits, even though you’re in financial straits it’s not worth the hooks. These things have a way of coming back and haunting you. Avoid that.
The R part, after the avoiding provocation, you’re going to want to resist the temptation to gossip and to pay back.
This pack mentality thrives on conflict. They thrive on the negative energy. When you step into a room that has them there you will feel the energy, and it’s not going to be a good kind of energy that puts a smile on your face. The kind of smile that’s on their face is fresh meat. That’s not what you want.
Although you may be tempted to talk bad about these people and to gossip them and to get on Facebook or Twitter and say all kinds of bad things about them, don’t do that. Don’t get into the payback because they thrive on that. Because once there is a reason for them to attack you they’ll attack you even more.
At this point, besides unhooking yourself, you want to keep as low a profile with the pack as possible because if you’re not fun to pick on they’re going to move on to some other prey that will give them a little more entertainment.
If you’ve ever watched wild animals this will give you some idea of the kind of mindset that you’re dealing with here. Like a cat with a mouse. It plays with it until it gets bored, and then it moves on to something else. And likewise if they play with you and they try to hook you, and you’re not being fun, they’ll move on. Because they’re wanting the excitement of the hunt. They want the excitement of the fight. Because that’s what they live for.
So when you’re dealing with the snake pit it requires a different set of skills than when you’re dealing with an individual liar. In this case, once again, raise the BAR by setting Boundaries, Avoiding provocation, and Resisting the temptation to gossip and to get into payback. [Boundaries, Avoid provocation, Resist temptation]
This will keep you from getting hooked. It will keep you from getting hurt in a lot of these types of situations, because these people, especially when affairs come along, they don’t play fair.
They don’t play nice. And you need to realize that and to avoid these situations. They may have been your friends. Yet once they get involved and get hooked up with a lot of other folks that are in a similar mindset, you’re dealing with a group or a pack mentality and that is not something that you want to go up against.
I encourage you to avoid it and steer clear.
That ought to do it for today’s session. These are things that you can start doing right now. The one that you can start doing right away is figuring out how to get the hook out of your mouth and avoid those things and to stop you gossiping and payback.
On a related note, if you are looking for helpful ways of improving your relationships, consider the video, “How Can I Trust You Again?“. It’s filled with practical how to’s on what you can do in rebuilding trust.
Best Regards,
Jeff
