Is Monogamy Healthy for Your Marriage? <<– Listen to the podcast
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. And I’m glad you’re here with me this evening as we deal with another issue in terms of dealing with affair recovery.
Today’s topic is a question that I’ve heard in some circles, and it’s a perplexing one for some people. It doesn’t have to be, but we’re going to go ahead and deal with it today. And that is “Is monogamy healthy for your marriage?”
In many ways this question on whether or not monogamy is healthy for your marriage goes to an even deeper question that we’re going to touch on a little bit today, which is what is the purpose of marriage.
For some of you out there, marriage is about sexual gratification. For others of you, the whole question of marriage and its purpose is about having a family.
Whether or not you’re looking at sexual gratification or whether or not you’re looking at the purpose of marriage as being foundational to a family, the simple answer to the question of whether or not monogamy is healthy for it, the simple answer is “Yes!” It is healthy. It’s healthy in many ways.
I mention this because one of the questions that comes up when you’re dealing with cheaters is the question or the issue of boredom. They say “Well I was just bored”.
Or you may have entertained the question “Will I get bored if I’m just with one person for the rest of my life?” I know many times Hollywood puts forth this dangerous question in some of the movies where they have an attractive person saying in word or action, “Well gee what am I going to do if I get bored with my spouse after all these years?”
Well, let’s talk about that for a moment. Boredom is a byproduct of not engaging people, or not using their brain.
When you’re talking about marriage what does this mean?
It means that you’re not connecting with your spouse deep enough. If you’re bored, you’re not connecting with your spouse.
Boredom is one of the signs that you’re not connecting. So when the cheater is telling you gee, I did what I did because I was bored, I was looking for something.
That ought to tell you something. That tells you that they are not connecting to you on the kind of level that they need to be, if they’re finding themselves bored.
The simple answer is monogamy healthy for your marriage, the simple answer is yes. But let’s go ahead and start looking at some solutions and some of the issues about that.
First of all, when you have a marriage where you have one man, one woman relationship, this provides for a much more stable family. The relationship dynamics are more stable and consistent, as opposed to other variations of that.
It provides for more emotional stability, it provides for more relationship stability, it provides for a greater sense of security.
If you are always worried about being replaced that does not make for a very stable relationship. If your spouse is always distracted by other people, of the opposite gender, that’s not a very stable dynamic.
When you have just you and your spouse committed to one another and connecting on a deep level, that is a more stable foundation for your marriage. And that’s what you’re after.
In terms of recovery from an affair this is one of the goals that you’re after, to get that kind of stable, connected relationship. And that is only provided through monogamy.
The second point. Monogamy is healthy for your marriage because it provides a healthier environment. I talked about the stability, but in terms of your physical health, the greater the number of partners that either you or the cheater have slept with, the higher the risk of sexually transmitted diseases.
That’s just plain and simple. More partners, more risks.
And that is part of the reality that you’re going to have to face. If your partner’s going around sleeping with a lot of people there is a risk of this. That’s one of the realities of the world in which we live these days.
Third point, as to whether or not monogamy is healthy for your marriage. It provides a foundation to start connecting with someone else on a deeper level.
With marriage you’ve got to have that sense of commitment. It’s only when we feel like we are in a committed relationship, and by commitment I’m referring to how you have two people that have promised to stay with each other and they’re willing to work through the issues.
It’s only when you have that kind of relationship that you can start to take it to a deeper level.
Because if your commitment is only to the point where well, we’re going to stay together until we start fighting, or we’re going to stay together until we reach a particular type of impasse, or until we get bored with each other. That’s not the kind of commitment that will give you a solid foundation to take your relationship to a deeper level.
When you’re dealing with that kind of relationship you’re always going to feel like you’re on eggshells. The relationship is not based on commitment, but it’s based more so on your emotional status.
I’m only going to stay married with you as long as I feel a certain way. That does not provide the kind of emotional and foundational stability that you need to have that kind of connection.
That also sets the stage that if you don’t meet my emotional needs and you don’t entertain me enough then I’ll be bored. And that creates problems.
But getting back to the issue. Is monogamy healthy for a marriage? Yes, it is. Because it provides a stability, it provides a physically healthier environment, and it provides a more solid foundation to start connecting with someone else.
These are some items to help you know how to deal with this issue, in case you have one of those spouses that say well, I don’t know if monogamy is best for us, or I’ve been bored. These are some answers for you in terms of dealing with those types of dilemmas.
It’s not an easy topic, but it is one that some of you are faced with and you need to have answers. And we’re here to provide you with answers and with direction.
If you are not connecting well with your spouse or recovering from an affair, there’s help available. The downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop” provides you with guidance in reconnecting with your spouse and getting your marriage back on track.
Best Regards,
Jeff
