Being married to a narcissist poses some unique challenges. If you are married to one, you know how tough it can be. They often view each argument or discussion as a contest that they are determined to ‘win’. Even attempts at having heart to heart discussions turn into another opportunity for the narcissist to ‘win’.
The need to “win” makes it hard to discuss things. You are not in a relationship with an equal. With their actions, gestures and comments, they constantly remind you that “it’s all about me“. The very nature of the narcissist is to be #1. Any effort at having a serious talk turns into a stage that proves them right about something.
When the narcissist has an affair and you are faced with the task of talking with them about the affair, you have your hands full. Since they adore praise and attention, they will welcome you talking about them, yet in their mind, they are more concerned with attaining your praise for their achievement in the affair rather than acknowledging any wrongness about what they did, much less any awareness of its impact on you.
In their mind, the affair was an accomplishment. They found a way to make it happen and they also managed hiding it from you. They may even feel pleased with their choice of lover. To them, the affair was an accomplishment.They may pay lip service to it upsetting you, yet in the back of their mind, they are patting themselves on the back for what happened.
They are only concerned with how the affair leaves them feeling. Sure, some of them do not want to upset you, not because your feelings are primary, but because you are part of their main support system. If you are not giving them attention, be it positive or negative, then who will? Risking alienation of their support system is not something they want to do.
The tendency to twist everything to where it is about them is a reality that you have to deal with. Dealing with it means that you will have to redirect them back to the topic.
You will have to redirect them often.
You will have to ‘clarify’ what you are talking about. This includes defining terms and what your concerns are. Since they think about themselves, they will take all that you say and turn it into something about them.
They do not take hints or willingly address issues where they are not getting the attention in a good way. They may even view your attempt at confronting them as you being the ‘bad’ lover since you bring up unpleasant things, while the lover is viewed as ‘good’, since they make the cheating narcissist feel better about what they did.
Know that they will twist matters around. Know that they will view the affair as ‘an achievement’ rather than as a ‘failure’ or something wrong. If something is wrong, it will be in what others do or think, not in their choices or actions.
Keep this in mind when you talk with them, and it may keep you from loosing your cool or loosing your focus.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
One Response
This is THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH PEOPLE!! Let me give it to you straight out of The Narcacisst Mouth “IT WAS SLEAZY AND I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.”…..to my face! His wife for 30+yrs. I don’t think I’ll forget those words as long as I live. Honestly, I have looked at him and asked “do u understand who you’re talking to-Your Wife!” It was those kind of moments when I realized I truly was just a Function-NOT A PERSON. To Understand The DEPTH of Deception & Betrayal on that level was Bizzare to say the least. I had been married to-exposed myself and my children to a Pshycopath for 1/2 a lifetime. It takes forever and a day to find forgiveness for yourself 1ST. I think its all I need to find. No sense in “Forgiving a snake for being a snake” & besides he didn’t even ask for any. Just tells me there was nothing to b sorry for no remorse-he did what he wanted to do. Simple as that. I no longer seek the answers as to Why-God says “Who is the clay to ask The Potter?” He made each of us for a purpose-I just Glorify Him More thru this experience. I sincerely Pray someone will see this comment & it will help in some small way to begin and continue healing from the torture your dearest heart is having to endure. Don’t lose hope (mostly for yourself). It will be what it is supposed to be.