Since the thinking and reasoning of the narcissist is so self-centered, you may have trouble making sense out of it. With non-narcissistic cheaters, you are able to attack the lover without them taking it overly personally. With a narcissist, any attack or disparagement of the lover or aspect of their lover is taken personally.
They’re unable to separate themselves from their lovers. It is not a matter of the two of them teaming up against you, it is a matter that the narcissist views the lover as an extension of themselves.
You may even hear them use terms like ‘we’ and ‘us’ when referring to the lover, rather than refer to the lover as a separate person. The use of such terms is not a ‘slip of the tongue’ or for convenience with a narcissist.
They actually view the relationship as a fusion of the lover and them. They do not see where they end and the lover begins. For this reason, if you attack the lover, they take it as an attack on them.
What this means is that you will need to listen to them when they talk about the affair. Listen for single personal pronouns (I, me, mine). When they use them are they referring to themselves or the relationship with the lover. When they are actively talking about the affair, listen for the words conveying ‘fusion’ or a joining of them and the lover.
If you listen carefully, you may pick up on the fusion and suddenly realize that what is going on is ‘weird’ in the sense of them talking like there is someone else in the room who is not there. This is part of the ‘weirdness’ of narcissism. It is possible that after living with them for a while, you have grown accustomed to these idiosyncrasies.
Recording interactions and listening to them later may wake you up to a few things.
Bear in mind that the narcissist loves validation. If it feels like they are ‘on stage’ acting and are at the same time playing the lead role and being the audience, you are not loosing your mind.
That’s common with narcissists. They may even play the role of the audience and attribute it to the lover, who praises all that they do. When you come along, you’re treated as the ‘critic’ who doesn’t know what you’re talking about.
You do not recognize the genius and the wonder of who the cheater is, when in reality you know more about them than anyone else does. Welcome to the world of dealing with a narcissist.
Best Regards,
Jeff
One Response
LIVED THIS-MORE THAN ONCE!! 1St time was Mind Boggling & shear Hell-the OW stalked us for 6mths. And YES-YOU (the spouse) R THE ENEMY!! Thank You Jeff for Clearly Explaining THAT Enmeshment (they r not seperate)!! They call The Cluster B Group–THE DARK TRIAD for GOOD REASON. There is an Evil persona that exist! I Fought for my family. 1st for all of “Us”. When it became apparent we were’nt “Us”. I packed everything he owned in Trash Bags while he was at work. When he came home I picked up the phone-told him to dial his AP have her come pick him up so He, She, Her husband & kids could work it out & live happily ever after!! THAT PUT THE BRAKES ON & Finally got his attention (for awhile). But Narcissist DO NOT CHANGE. I never knew there was MUCH more until Many yrs later. I went against my gut instinct-The 2nd HELL-WELL-THAT got MY ATTENTION! I learned, I work at Recovering Everyday. I am so Grateful (even thru the darkest pain) that I have a sense of Clarity & Knowledge that will serve the Rest of My Life.