Whether or not people consider lies as bad depends on who is lying and who is being lied to. When people are lying, look at their motive rather than their action.
Are Lies A Bad Thing <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad you’re here with me today. The topic we’re going to be dealing with today is the question “Are lies a bad thing?”
I raise that question because with many couples lying has become a way of life these days. There’s lies about a lot of things.
Although some of you know, “hey, lies are always a bad thing”, some of you haven’t necessarily come to that conclusion. And you don’t necessarily view lies as a bad thing. So we’re going to be talking about that today.
Affairs and lies go hand-in-hand, and you’re going to need to be dealing with that.
The weird thing about this is that whether or not lies are seen as bad depends on who’s doing the lying, and who is being lied to. When people are lying they look at their own motive rather than their actions.
If somebody’s lying to you and they were doing it to protect you or they were doing it because they didn’t want to hurt your feelings, they often don’t see what they did as a bad thing.
If you’re on the receiving end and you’re being lied to, you see the lie as a bad thing. But those being lied to often see the action rather than the motive. So this whole idea of action and motive are big determinants as to whether or not people see the lie as a bad thing.
There may be a good reason for lying. This does not mean I am condoning lies.
I know that there are times that that may be the best option for you. And whatever the reason, there are always consequences when you do lie.
I’m going to be talking about that today. I know I may step on some of y’all’s toes, but this is an issue that needs to be dealt with if you hope to turn your marriage around and have a solid foundation that is based more on trust and honesty, rather than one based on lies.
The solution to this whole dilemma is choosing to reduce the lies. I phrase it that way because you’re going to have to make some conscious choices. And by conscious choices it’s going to involve an act of the will. For some of you it may take practice to get this down.
1. The first thing you’ll need to realize is “There are consequences to all lies“. This is one of those things to keep in mind, because many times if you’re telling somebody a lie with good intentions you may think well, it’s for their best interest and you may not ever consider that there’s consequences.
Well, you can’t cheat the consequences. There will always be consequences. And many times, if you actually consider the consequences, it will help you with your decision making. When you look at what the final consequence will be then it becomes very clear what choices you need to make now.
2. Number two, “Lying is a progressive problem“. This is because when you start telling lies you often have to tell a lie to cover a lie. When lies go unchecked they continue getting bigger and bigger over time.
When you realize that you’re bringing something into your marriage that is a progressive problem, it’s only going to get worse the longer you don’t deal with it, you’ll realize how big a problem it is and how you do need to take care of it and take care of it now.
Not next week. Not a month from now. You need to do something about stopping the lying now. Lying from you to them, from you to the kids, from your spouse to you, all the way around it’s got to stop.
3. The person hearing the lie will not consider your motive as important as you do. I’m saying that because when you’re being lied to you see that action, and they’re not even going to consider the motive.
A lot of times cheaters, and sometimes you yourself, may hide behind your motive, thinking that I had good intentions, I meant well, I didn’t mean to hurt them, I only meant to restore order. Whatever your motive.
They’re not going to care about your motive. They just know you lied. And that’s all they’re going to focus on. This is very important.
Star, circle, underline this, with children. When the parents lie to the children, the children are going to remember the lies. They’re not going to look at the motive.
The motive may buy you some time on the front end, but on the back end they’ll remember Mom or Dad lied to me.
You’re going to need to go off on this action of reducing the lies. And I gave you three steps, three things that you can go ahead and do.
- Recognize that there are consequences to all lies.
- Realize that lying is progressive problem. It’s not going to get less over time, it’s going to get worse if you don’t do anything about it.
- The person hearing the lie will not consider your motive as important as you do.
If you put these things into place now, today, right after you get off the phone call or this podcast, the sooner the better. If you can do it right away that will help you. This is one of those issues that you do need to deal with, and deal with quickly.
In terms of are lies a bad thing, well, I consider them a bad thing. I do know that many times there are good reasons to lie, or to even hide the truth. But there are consequences, and you’re going to need to be aware of that.
This will give you some guidelines to deal with the issue, as you struggle through this issue of lies. And I wish you the best as you undo this.
Because many times when lies have crept into a marriage it takes awhile to undo, because it’s almost like it becomes a lifestyle. We’re trying to undo a lifestyle here.
If your marriage has been damaged by lies, a place to start rebuilding trust is with the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” It starts you down the road of repairing the damage done by lies.
Best Regards,
Jeff
