Just because your cheating spouse is going to therapy doesn’t mean things will automatically get better. It may not bring improvement at all.
In some cases, you may find things worsen rather than improve. You may wonder “How can this be?“.
The reason is, going to therapy doesn’t equate with doing the right thing. Many people go to therapists in order to remove the guilt they are feeling or for them to validate what they are doing.
Since many therapists are often caught up in postmodern thought, they’re accepting of everyone and emphasize being liked rather than doing what’s needed for saving your marriage.
What this means for you is that you need to find out if your spouse is working on doing right versus finding a way to remove guilt. Some therapists subscribe to the school of letting the client decide what is right or wrong for them.
Allowing a cheater to choose what’s right for themselves is asking for trouble. They have already rationalized the affair.
It’s not beyond them to talk others into their way of looking at things. They’re not wanting to deal with their guilt. They want ways of avoiding their guilt.
Guilt puts pressure on people to change what they are doing. Reducing the guilt removes their motivation to make things right.
All the validation and affirmations can be powerful tools in turning lives around or in giving the cheater a green light to keep doing what they’re doing without the burden of guilt slowing them down.
In such cases, of when given the green light, they are seeking new relationships, new ways of expressing themselves or exploring new outlets for their sexuality. When you hear talk like this, you’re being hornswaggled into a postmodern mess rather than the cheater getting help on improving their relationship with you, learning how to communicate better or finding better ways of working together.
When an affair happens to you and your marriage, you don’t need someone ‘helping’ whose only definition of doing the right thing is ‘whatever is right for you’. When you tell a cheater such statements, they will take it as a ‘get out of jail free card’ and go merrily about their way.
You need a therapist who cares about your marriage, who cares about finding ways to make things work. That may require them to confront parts of your lives and thinking that make you feel uncomfortable.
In all likelihood those areas were not working and needed to be confronted or challenged in the first place.
I am not against all therapists or coaches. There are many very good ones out there. It is incumbent on you to find someone who will steer you right, even if they’re not covered by your insurance.
You may need to read the articles or books they have written in order to find out their values and world view. Too many times as consumers, you may find yourself settling on who is on your plan rather than who will help you the most.
You also need to be involved to make sure that the therapy is not just about about removing guilt.
In my download “Affair Recovery Workshop“, you’re not going to get guilt reduction. Instead, you’ll find direction concerning what needs doing in order to help your marriage recover.
When things have gotten messed up, you need directions for rebuilding, not self-affirmations and reducing guilt. Accountability brings many more responsible changes than guilt reduction.
Best Regards,
Jeff
