Affairs present challenges. With serial affairs, those challenges are multiplied. The phrase “They’ll only do it again!” is often heard as spouses express frustration. Serial affairs are a symptom of other problems.
Handling Serial Affairs <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you’re here with me this evening. I want to thank you for tuning into the podcast this evening and I encourage you, if you find it helpful please leave feedback here on the iTunes site or wherever you’re listening.
The topic we’re going to be dealing with today is “Handling serial affairs“.
Affairs present many challenges. When you’ve got a serial affair situation those challenges are often multiplied, along with the pain.
By a ‘serial affair’, this is where a person goes through a whole series of affairs. One right after another. That’s one type where it’s more sequential, and then you can also have the concurrent where they have several affairs going on at one time. I consider both types of serial affairs.
If you’re in a situation where you’re having to deal with a serial affair, you probably said or heard the phrase “They’ll only do it again“. And you probably have said that quite a few times.
Many times when you say it, that’s your sense of frustration, because “Why bother, they’re only going to do it again!” At that point you’re frustrated.
When you make a statement like that it’s like there’s a part of you that is actually surrendering and saying “Why bother fighting it?” “It’s only going to happen again and I’m tired of this.”
In most cases, when you’re dealing with a serial affair, the serial affair is a symptom of other problems. Although the playboy mentality is very popular in modern culture, as many cheaters speak affectionately about this type of mentality, the reality is that serial affairs leave shattered lives all around.
The fantasies that a lot of people have, are “I can have lover after lover after lover because I am such a wonderful lover”. The reality is each of those people has broken lives. And they’re shattered in numerous emotional pieces all over the place.
It’s not only the lovers. It’s their families.
They may also have spouses. They may also have children. I can assure you they have parents as well.
It’s not just a matter of shattered emotional pieces, in many cases, you also have health issues, sexually transmitted diseases among other issues. In some cases, you’ll have the added heartache of serial families where you have a few kids with this lover, a few more with the next, a few more with the next, or maybe just one after another.
I know one dynamic is where you have a woman that literally presents each lover with a separate child, almost like a token present. That type of dynamic.
When you have those types of serial families it often becomes a vortex of dysfunctional behaviors. It’s a whirlpool of all kinds of problems.
I know we deal with affairs here. With serial affairs, it’s almost like instead of a multistory building you’re dealing with multistory affairs. You’re dealing with a lot of dynamics, a lot of lives, all at the same time. That’s what makes it a lot more complex.
In terms of dealing with serial affairs, take a look at the solution. Because the solution and this is just an introduction to serial affairs because a person could write a whole book on them and I don’t have time to go ahead and layout a whole book for you, so we’re just going to be scratching the surface.
I know that there are some of you out there that are dealing with the situation and you’re desperate for answers. I want to go ahead and at least point you in the right direction.
The solution is “Know what you’re dealing with”. Since serial affairs are a symptom of many problems you want to find out what kind of serial affair did you have going on.
When you know what kind of problem you have going on then you come up with a better solution. You’ll know whether you’re dealing with some kind of mental health issue.
You’ll know whether or not you’re dealing with sexual addiction. You’ll know whether or not you’re dealing with somebody who has totally lost it or has some kind of commitment issues, intimacy issues. Someone who’s a man-hater or a woman-hater.
As I said, there are many possible issues, and you want to find out what type that you’re dealing with before you take a one-size-fits-all type of solution. Because those are not going to work here.
In finding out what you’re dealing with I’ve got three things to do.
- Find their conscience. I know that may sound kind of silly, but this is important. Bear with me. You want to find out whether or not they know that they’re having affairs.
Because some people, and some of the ones that I have worked with, it’s as if they go into this strange altered state and they’re not aware of all the affairs that they’re having. You want to start off with this type of question: “Does the person know that they’re having an affair?”
Some other questions to consider. Do they view the affair as something that’s wrong? Not all cheaters view what they are doing as doing wrong.
They say well, what’s wrong with what I’m doing? They actually, in many cases, do not see it as wrong or do not feel like they’ve done anything wrong. You want to find out if you’re dealing with that type of person.
You also want to find out does it bother them. Because they may verbally acknowledge to you “Yeah, it’s wrong, but it doesn’t bother me”.
Or “Yeah it’s wrong, but I’m not ready to do anything about it right now”. These type of responses, although they’re flippant and they may set you off, they’ll give you clues as to what the thinking of the cheater is and what kind of serial affair person that you’re dealing with.
That’s the first part, find their conscience.
2. Look for patterns. By patterns, patterns in the type of lovers, patterns in the sequence of events, any kind of repetitive behavior, where they have the affair. Stuff like this.
When there are patterns, the person is often stuck in that pattern trying to meet a particular need. If you can identify what the pattern is, and then make sense out of it, it can help you know what you’re dealing with.
If every person that they are having an affair with has dark hair and resembles one of their parents, or maybe one of their uncles or aunts or something, this could give you a clue as to some deeper issues going on there. Because it’s not unheard of that a person who has been sexually abused, that they will purposely go out and try to find someone similar to the abuser as a way to try to fix themselves.
That’s why you want to go ahead and look at these patterns. Serial affairs can indicate many things going on. You don’t just want to assume well, they hate me, that’s why they’re having serial affairs. No. That may not be the case at all. There may be some serious issues going on.
3. Do something different. When you know that there are patterns you want to do something different to interrupt or short-circuit the patterns. Since many times when you’re dealing with people having serial affairs, they’re on autopilot when you force them to have to make changes or alter their patterns, there is the possibility that they could snap out of it or you have an opportunity to get through to the real them.
As long as they’re on autopilot they’re not going to change what they’re doing.
When they have to make changes, when an individual goes through that process of mentally shifting gears, you’ve got an opportunity to access the real them.
These are some interventions that can start you, in terms of doing something about serial affairs. I realize it’s a very frustrating situation and it calls for a different type of solution.
These are things that you could put into place now to start making sense out of the situation that you’re dealing with. For someone who’s dealing with a wayward spouse that’s not a serial affair, they’re going to require some different solutions.
When you’ve got a serial situation you’ve got to handle it differently. That’s why I’ve presented a different type of solution.
Once again, this was an introduction to get you started. There are many more things going on beyond this, but this is a place to start.
Whatever kind of affair you are dealing with, it’s not going to heal itself. The scars may fade, but the hurts need action in order to heal. You can take action by ordering the “Affair Recovery Workshop”.
In the workshop, you’ll discover ways of confronting, opening up the conversation, and improving intimacy. These are tools you need for future relationships and relationships that have a future.
Best Regards,
Jeff
