As you’re aware, some cheaters try avoiding responsibilities. My recent post on “Taking Your Licks” addressed this topic.
There are many ways they avoid responsibility. Before going over some of the games they play, you need to be aware that the only way they can avoid responsibility is that you’re willing to take on the responsibility.
They know this. Stopping their avoidance begins with you. It’s critical you stop assuming responsibility for what they should be doing. They’re your spouse, NOT your child.
I realize the discomfort that comes from watching them hurt and struggle. They need those struggles in order to start assuming responsibility.
They need to assume responsibility for their actions in terms of their actions, attitude, spending and relationships. That means that you may need to allow them to ‘fall on their face’ or look bad in front of others.
Not that you intentionally do things making them look bad, you just refuse taking on responsibilities which aren’t yours. You’re allowing natural consequences to happen.
It is imperative that you quit taking on responsibility for them before you try to getting them to take on responsibilities. If you don’t stop taking things on, they will merely go through the emotions and find another way to pass on the responsibilities to you.
This may come in the form of communicable disease, financial problems, children born out of wedlock or some other fruit from their irresponsibility.
Cheaters avoid responsibility on many levels. They do so mentally, emotionally, spiritually and relationally. Mentally this happens with them blaming others for their choices.
When they’re blaming others or variables beyond their control, they’re not taking on responsibility. They’re mentally sloughing off any accountability for what they did.
Emotionally, this is done through denying any kind of cause and effect in the area of emotions. They take the view that “what people feel is what they feel”.
They don’t see the cause and effect regarding emotions.In their mind, emotions are isolated occurrences with little to no connection with their behaviors.
They either minimize or deny that their actions have any impact on emotions that people experience.
Although they are doing things to attain the emotional favors of the lover, they’re taking on the opposite role when it comes to their spouses. By bouncing back and forth from extreme to extreme, they avoid developing any kind of realism when it comes to emotional responsibility.
Spiritually, they blame devils, spirits, booze, drugs or other things for what they did. Much like with emotional avoidance, they at times take the other extreme position, telling you that “God said they could cheat” or “commanded them to cheat“.
Either way, they’re avoiding responsibility. In this dimension, the only difference is which spiritual being or force they say empowered them to do what they did.
Somehow they think that when a spiritual force is behind it, they don’t have to assume responsibility, nor feel any guilt or remorse related to the affair.
Relationally, a favorite of many cheaters is teaming up with the lover against you. A few may team up with you against the lover, although that’s not as common. Both dynamics are forms of triangulation.
Either type of teaming up still avoids responsibility for the whole affair situation. They’re still not owning up to their choices, their actions, along with the impact of those actions on those around them.
Changing the dynamics of your marriage to where the cheater takes on responsibility is important. Although it’s important, it’s NOT the first thing you do.
Forcing the cheater to assume responsibility before completing the other steps in affair recovery produces disastrous results. There are things you need in place regarding the relationship before you start confronting them on responsibility.
In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop“, I address recovery in the sequence that makes a difference. You’ll know what steps are needed in the correct order that produces the changes needed in your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
